Christmas!!

[Mentalmum91]

Ok so I know its early but the thought of what me and DP will be doing over Christmas is already stressing me out!

In short I have 2 children from a previous relationship and 1 with DP. Last year he chose to spend Christmas away from me and the children to spend it with his extended family. Yes, he chose to spend the day with his parents, nephews and sister and rather than me, my older children and our DD. This resulted in me literally crying all of christmas day at my parents house when the kids weren't looking. He is aware of this. He believes that Christmas with his parents is important because they are getting older (they're not even 60 yet). Had I gone to his extended family my parents would have been alone. They have no other family in this country. My children from ex partner go to his on boxing day as well so Christmas day itself is massive to me because it's the only day we can have with the 5 of us together and the only day they would see their grandparents over Christmas (my parents). We have spent all other family holidays with DPs family as well as visiting every week. We are even going on holiday with them this year for a week. Normally he will decide with his extended family what he is doing and then discuss with me when decisions have already been made or worse make the decision with them in front of me when I feel I cant speak up or have an opinion. I have obviously raised this as a huge issue in the past. I raised christmas last night and he has said we will figure it out this week. I know that means he will discuss plans with his sister and get back to me afterwards.

Either way I have already decided I will be spending Christmas with my parents and my children and trying to make the most of it and not allow myself to get upset like last year. but is it normal for DP to not want to spend it with us? I was beyond devastated last year and know I will be this year too. Probably wanting not to visit his family on Christmas day itself this year is also stubbornness too. I recently overheard a conversation with his father about me which was not particularly nice. I didnt let on to DP how much it hurt me but I am aware the man has no respect for me or the 5 of us as a family.

Is there a compromise I'm not seeing?? Our parents live too far apart for us to squeeze both in really without spending a significant amount of time in the car and I dont want to do that since it's the time when I have all if the children together. Our house also is far too small for inviting everyone to us although this would be my preference if it was possible. I am happy to spend boxing day with his family since 2 of my children wont be there anyway so it's not important to me, but I dont think that will be enough to please him and his family. I think he wants to keep his extended family happy as they are generally very demanding and can huff/ talk behind his back if they dont get what they want. I understand this puts him in a difficult position as he feels he is stuck in the middle.

This ended up being quite the rant :/ Apologies and thanks for reading! Does anyone spend Christmas away from DPs and are happy with it??? Am I being selfish wanting DP to spend Christmas with me and the children?

Tbh you seem as stubborn as him you wont spend it away from his parents why should he? In this case you should compromise and alternate christmas so you spend one christmas with his family the following year you're family and see the alternative family on boxing.

No it’s not normal.

Prechildren DH and I used to go to your own parents. MIL thought this would continue after we had our first child . But you know DH both likes this children and pulls his weight in looking after them so that was not an option. Sounds like he just wants to not do any parenting and leave it up to you.

Have you asked him what he will do when his child asks why he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with him/her?

Why don't you all go out for Christmas lunch?

Or suggest to DP that you all have lunch together at home then go and see your parents separately.

Or have a 'family' Christmas on Christmas Eve then go to your respective parents on Christmas Day.

You have a bigger problem than christmas, although christmas its job in highlighting your relationship issues.

Your dh does not appear to have respect for you, and his family takes precedence over both you and his own child is not good op. You must know that this would not be acceptable to most other people. Whether you are being rail roaded or spoken about unkindly, none of this is 'normal' nor acceptable to most.

The crux of the matter appears his unwillingness to put you first. I am afraid I personally could not be second best to my in laws within my marriage, nor would I ever think it was acceptable for my dh not to spend christmas with his own child/children.

If you are willing to overlook the real problems in your relationship the best solution would be to squeeze everyone into your home with some creativity, and have both families over. You can paper over the cracks, but at some point you are going to have to address why his family are more important than you.

I think I am totally as stubborn as he is! I think because I was so hurt last year I am more unwilling than I should be to go to his family. Also my older children would much prefer to spend the day with their grandparents than his parents- since they arent their family iykwim? I do quite like the idea of alternating christmas but find it difficult that the one day I have all of my children I would have to spend it uncomfortable rather than enjoying it with them. Its definitely something I will put out there though.

His family is very habitual and would never agree to go out for Christmas lunch. Its come to them or nothing.

He thinks that his daughter is too young to know now so cant ask. I think it's awful though trying to be a blended family and him showing my older children that he is less interested in them than his nephews though. 🤷‍♀️ he thinks my parents helped with the children so it doesnt/didnt matter that he wasnt here to help.

After you're update op you know you need to comprise, how are you going to be a blended family if you wont attend christmas with the inlaws

OP ..you cannot have it both ways with the best will in the world.You are adamant you wont leave your parents so why should he? The only solution I can see is if both of you go nowhere for Xmas day and stay at home together...this will piss off every relative you have but you get christmas together....I think its fair you both split up if you cannot compromise.You with your family him with his.I dont think its about being horrid to you I think he is trying to please them like you try to please yours.Both of you should be at home in my opinion ,There are loads of families split over the festive season,,mine included but my husband will be working and we have no choice in the matter...A sensible conversation about what could be best for everyone in your family is needed,calmly and without judgement.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Autumn2203, I think your assessment is on point with my own feelings about it really. I would like to be put first. Similar issues have actually caused separation in the past as I feel our family (the 5 of us) should take priority without question. He disagrees. He has made many sacrifices for us though since said separation which have been difficult for him but for the better of our family. These have caused things to be said about me by his extended family, and as far as I am aware he has spoken up for me and for those sacrifices. I dont want to get into details for fear of being recognised on here but there has been a definite step forward in recognising me and the children as a priority.

It is entirely possible I'm getting prematurely upset about this without waiting for him to decide what he is doing this year. Maybe he will want to spend Christmas day with us and we can all spend boxing day with his family. I guess we shall see. I am glad I am not crazy though for thinking that it is unreasonable to be apart on Christmas day! I would genuinely love if we could all spend Christmas together but we just physically wouldnt fit lol. I do love his family they have always been very welcoming to me and the children, I think they just put unnecessary pressure on him to always be with them.

Sally I would actually be very happy to spend the day with just us 5 at home, and did suggest that before. My parents would not object in any way. My parents wouldnt actually object to any of it. But he doesnt want to do that either as he doesnt feel it would be like christmas with just us.

I think it's appalling that he discusses this with his wider family and then presents it to you as a fait accomplis. That says he has no respect for you and your wishes. I couldn't stay with a man who had such disregard for my views or feelings.

Chaos, I have compromised on pretty much every other holiday to be with the in laws so far. Is it compromise if it is always one sided though? I have had to decline seeing my siblings who live across the world for the first time we have all been together in over 5 years for a simple birthday on his side. I am doing so because it makes him and his family happy and mine are understanding of it, however much it sucks for us. Sometimes it would be nice to have the same done for me.

I'm interested to know why the older children always spend Christmas Day with you and Boxing Day with their dad?

Surely if the older children were to alternate years with their father this would free up every other Christmas Day for your DH's family and thus it's fair for everyone.

I think though that if you are ALWAYS choosing to have your older children on Christmas Day (I know I would given the choice, so no judgement there) AND ALWAYS wanting to spend the day with your parents, AND you don't feel you have the space at home to invite DH's family over, then your DH is always going to lose out and that seems unfair. What, is he never going to spend Christmas Day at his family's house ever again?

I'm getting stressed out too. We went for Sunday lunch with my family yesterday and they were putting pressure on us to agree to something for Christmas Day, Boxing Day AND NYE! It's complicated because - like you - both my partner and I like to spend the day with our families. He also has a son, who spends every other Christmas with him. It should be his turn this year, but because of a complication he is going to be with his mother.

Last year, I went to my parents' and he went to his - I then met him at his parents' in the evening, as our day never carries on quite as long as theirs! That suited me fine. We have no kids together though. If we did, we wouldn't be spending it separately. We would alternate years. He has already suggested that we do this, but neither of us want to miss out - him on his elderly parents and me on my elderly grandparents.

It doesn't really matter what you do, so long as you're both happy. It sounds like you're not, so you need to talk about it. Perhaps the actual day at one house and then eve/boxing at the other? Or eve at your parents', boxing at his, and then the actual day on your own in your own home?

It has just always been agreed that the kids stay with me on Christmas day. To be honest their dad doesnt care (usually have to request he sees them) so I am lucky I get to have them.

In regards to always having Christmas with my family, we have just purchased a much bigger house with space to do Christmas for everyone, (If they want to come) but we wont be moved in before this Christmas so its literally just this year we need to decide.

My partner stays home Christmas with me and our 2 DC and I always invite my dad over because my mom passed away and he would be on his own. If my partner caused a fuss over this or chose to spend Christmas away from me and his kids I would show him the door and tell him to live with his dear family. I invite the in laws over on Boxing Day for dinner so they still see us over Christmas but I do think your husband should spend Christmas with you and your children where ever you decide to spend it. I like to be at my own home so the kids can enjoy there new toys, Christmas films etc

Thanks sunshine, I see posts go up every year about this so it does seem that it is an issue for many families! We split up every year like yourselves when it was just us, with me going to his family on boxing day but I had naively assumed once we had DD we would stay together. I love the idea of xmas eve at one house, boxing day at the other and xmas day at home. It seems like the best way to see everyone without being rushed and without hurting anyone feelings. I had suggested this previously but he just didnt think it would feel like Christmas. I am lucky in that my parents put no pressure on us to see them and would rather we are happy as a couple before pleasing them. This has meant though that Dps family have always taken priority on holidays.

Do a three way rotation- his parents, your parents, at your own home.

Thanks theorigionaltms! I am very lucky we have all of our parents, I'm sorry that your mum passed away, I am sure it's a difficult time of year for you and your dad and great that your partner supports it without question. I think my dream Christmas would be at home with the kids just getting to enjoy their presents. I will hopefully discuss it with him tonight and see what he wants to do. Hes the best in literally every other way to show in him the door lol.

And vary Xmas eve/Boxing day accordingly.

not normal at all...
Before we got married we spent Christmas with our own parents, after we alternate.
Although this year I did check that DH's sister was going to her mum's - MIL is widowed and if she'd have been left alone my mum would have invited her to theirs.

Volemos, I think that will be my number one suggestion if he will go for it. I think going from this thread its probably unreasonable for me to expect him to come to my family (even though I go to his family for every other holiday!!!) And I love the idea of just getting to spend it at home.

Either way I have already decided I will be spending Christmas with my parents and my children and trying to make the most of it and not allow myself to get upset like last year.

So you can’t really be annoyed with him if he has already decided what he is going to do without discussing with you.

I agree about either all going for a meal out or else make a proper compromise - one year with one family, one with the other, the next all eating out somewhere for lunch etc. Otherwise, it’s not surprising as it sounds like you aren’t happy with what he wants to do and he isn’t happy with what you want so I don’t see why either of your feelings trumps the other’s.

OP you are as stubborn as he is, you talk of a blended family and then say my older kids wouldn’t want to be at his parents because they are not their family..
You can’t have it both ways, I would alternate Christmas 3 ways, yours house, your parents and then your in-laws. That way all of you are happy.
Also it would be nice for your older kids to spend Christmas at their Dads house and maybe see their Grandparents on his side.

Thanks, see previous comment. Have already said I will suggest about christmas 3 ways. The kids have a second Christmas at their dads on boxing day with grandparents on his side, he and his family are happy with that arrangement as granda on that side works Christmas day most years anyway and so none of them have ever asked to have them Christmas day. Hence I didnt ask about opinions in that as it isn't an issue for anyone involved. Was asking for opinions on christmas day with DP.

I have spent every Christmas in my own home since I had children and will continue to do so until they leave the nest. When they leave I fully expect to spend Christmas alone with DH as my Mum does with her DP, this is normal for our family and there’s nothing wrong with it at all.