Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think that how I reacted was not 'crazy'?

44 replies

TheArtfulBodger · 04/11/2019 09:36

Currently trying to work through issues with DH of 25 years due to our marriage being in a bad way for a long time and I want us to shit or get off the pot so to speak!

There was an incident around a year into our relationship where he had recently refused to move in with me but stayed round mine every night obviously for on tap sex, and he'd planned to come to mine one night to take me to a party which would be attended by his friends and family. I didn't know where the venue was, and nor did he until the night, so he was going to come to mine so we could arrive together as there was going to be a lot of people I hadn't met before there and he's from a different culture, different language, so it was a bit intimidating for me.

Anyhoo, I spent a lot of time and effort getting ready so I was looking extra special. I was very slim and attractive back then but he didn't turn up to pick me up!

This was before mobiles were invented BTW but there was a phone in the hallway of the house I had a studio flat in and I sat there for ages waiting for him to ring but he didn't. I rang his home and his family said he'd gone to the party but I had no way of contacting him there.

He turned up to mine at around 1 am. I had smoked a far bit as I was shocked he'd stood me up and had thought he'd ditched me. I had a small studio so the room was a bit smoky and I'd walked to an all night garage to buy more cigarettes which I'd told him I'd done. I was quite tearful.

He insisted he'd rang several times but I hadn't picked up and excused the not picking me up as' losing track of time' when was bullshit.

I obviously forgave him but he has used this incident of me chain smoking and being upset as evidence of me being crazy and has recently said he should have known my how my personality was from that one incident .

So IHBU?

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 04/11/2019 09:38

To be honest the fact that the two of you are arguing over something that happened 24 years ago is more of an issue than what happened 24 years ago!

NorthEndGal · 04/11/2019 09:40

Wait, you have been married 25 years, but are arguing over shit that happened back when you were dating?
If you are serious, leave. That is a sure as fuck sign you dont like each other any more.

fedup21 · 04/11/2019 09:40

I would say, him not bothering to turn up and collect you for a night out was indicative of him being a twat.

But besides all this-why are you pontificating over an event from 25 years ago? What’s happened since?

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 09:40

This was something from 24 years ago? That's really odd to be arguing about it now.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/11/2019 09:42

I think you’re losing sight of how ridiculous this is

BuffaloCauliflower · 04/11/2019 09:43

I’m surprised you can even remember this happening. I can’t remember arguments with DH from a year ago.

Original poster

TheArtfulBodger · 04/11/2019 09:43

Excuse bad grammar and crap spelling!

Quite upset this morning as he told me yesterday how his best friend's sister in law was after him some years ago, and he had discussed with this friend leaving me because I was such a nag and had put on weight but he couldn't because of the DC. I had no idea!

OP posts:

Aderyn19 · 04/11/2019 09:44

I'm not sure why you married someone who clearly had no respect or consideration for you. If he couldn't be a good boyfriend, marriage wasn't going to magically improve him!
If a 25 year old argument is still going on and causing resentment then I think you probably are best to go your separate ways. I don't like men calling women crazy when they object to being treated shabbily.

Aderyn19 · 04/11/2019 09:45

Just read your update. He's a dickhead. Ltb!

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 04/11/2019 09:52

he should have known my how my personality was from that one incident

I think it's more that you should have known how his personality was from that one incident, actually.

It sounds to me like you're not so much working your way through marital problems as hugging old grievances to yourself tbh. Understandable, but time to move on, I think.

Original poster

TheArtfulBodger · 04/11/2019 09:53

He is basically making out how much he has suffered due to me being 'crazy'. He has often quoted this incident. That's why it has come up.

He has no awareness of how his actions have contributed to turning me crazy!

For an example, he took a job working nights when he knew I had a phobia of being alone at night. He didn't need to take it. I begged him not to. I had 5 years of sleep deprivation as I couldn't sleep when he was at work (due to childhood abuse). Massively affected my MH as I'd recently had a stillbirth and was pregnant with twins when he took that job. I had to give up my job as he wouldn't stay at home with the babies despite my job being better paid, better hours, no weekends, more prospects etc, we couldn't afford childcare, and keep baby/toddler twins quiet while he slept in the day. Led to massive resentment.

OP posts:

pepsirolla · 04/11/2019 09:56

You are not crazy but I think you need to take a serious look at your life. Do you still want to be arguing about this in another 24 years? Are you really happy or would you be better off free from this cycle of petty name calling and belittling arguments? Draw up two lists, one of the good things he does and reasons to stay with him and the other of the bad. I think you know which list will be the longest. Then choose your life. Good luck

Georug · 04/11/2019 09:56

I just feel sad for you that you’ve spent 25 years with this person. I think if there’s any way that you can leave then you should, you deserve to be happy.

dontcallmeduck · 04/11/2019 09:58

I think you need to get off that pot and get some counselling to realise what a relationship should be like.

He should not be bringing this up, this example simply shows how completely disrespectful he was of you. Totally not crazy behaviour on your part. He also should not have taken the nights job if he didn’t have to.

AmIThough · 04/11/2019 10:00

I think that was a bit of a weird reaction to him not picking you up but the fact it's still an issue so long later is really bizarre (and the fact it was even an issue at the time!)

I think there are much bigger problems at play than you chain smoking 20-something years ago and this is the only stick he has to beat you with because the rest is on him.

Butterymuffin · 04/11/2019 10:04

Leave him. The fixation on one incident 25 years ago defining your personality tells you all you need to know about him.

DonKeyshot · 04/11/2019 10:17

It only takes one to file for divorce so why are you insistent that you both have to shit or get off the pot?

As it doesn't sound as this has been a match made in heaven I suggest that you get off the pot and look to make your next 25 years more fulfilling than the past quarter of a century.

GabsAlot · 04/11/2019 10:18

I think he sounds crazy and a dickhead-doesnt seem like theres any love there

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/11/2019 10:21

Crikey! Read that back OP! Then pack up your emotional woes and divorce the selfish twat!

I bet your kids don't understand why you are still with him! They won't have been blind to all of that!

So yes, get off your own pot. Act in your own best interests!

SuzieSunshine · 04/11/2019 10:25

Why does he keep bringing up an incident 25 years ago? Surely you must have shown your 'craziness' more recently than that. He sounds like a prize bastard imo and you'd be so much happier leaving him.

Witchinaditch · 04/11/2019 10:27

It was 24 years ago? What?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2019 10:28

Time to get off the pot imo. What an asshole

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/11/2019 10:34

It's over, OP. All that's left is the shouting (and it sounds like that's been going on for far far too long).

All this 'he should have' and 'you shouldn't have'...it must be exhausting. I hope you've now got over your being alone at night phobia (what did you do about that before you met him?) and can get rid of him with a happy heart.

You'll both be better off apart.

Kaddm · 04/11/2019 10:38

I'd think that arguing over something from decades ago is him trying to invent reasons to leave you. I'd think also that he has someone else in mind. Regardless, he just sounds like a total cunt and I'd leave anyway.

His best friend's sister in law being after him? Well she must be a prize catch if she actively chases married men with kids.

pippistrelle · 04/11/2019 10:55

I feel for you, OP. Sounds like he's re-writing the past. And that's not a good way to move forward to a better future. Start writing your own script.

Flip

1 2