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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that how I reacted was not 'crazy'?

44 replies

TheArtfulBodger · 04/11/2019 09:36

Currently trying to work through issues with DH of 25 years due to our marriage being in a bad way for a long time and I want us to shit or get off the pot so to speak!

There was an incident around a year into our relationship where he had recently refused to move in with me but stayed round mine every night obviously for on tap sex, and he'd planned to come to mine one night to take me to a party which would be attended by his friends and family. I didn't know where the venue was, and nor did he until the night, so he was going to come to mine so we could arrive together as there was going to be a lot of people I hadn't met before there and he's from a different culture, different language, so it was a bit intimidating for me.

Anyhoo, I spent a lot of time and effort getting ready so I was looking extra special. I was very slim and attractive back then but he didn't turn up to pick me up!

This was before mobiles were invented BTW but there was a phone in the hallway of the house I had a studio flat in and I sat there for ages waiting for him to ring but he didn't. I rang his home and his family said he'd gone to the party but I had no way of contacting him there.

He turned up to mine at around 1 am. I had smoked a far bit as I was shocked he'd stood me up and had thought he'd ditched me. I had a small studio so the room was a bit smoky and I'd walked to an all night garage to buy more cigarettes which I'd told him I'd done. I was quite tearful.

He insisted he'd rang several times but I hadn't picked up and excused the not picking me up as' losing track of time' when was bullshit.

I obviously forgave him but he has used this incident of me chain smoking and being upset as evidence of me being crazy and has recently said he should have known my how my personality was from that one incident .

So IHBU?

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 04/11/2019 10:57

You don't need his permission or his cooperation to divorce him. Go and talk to a decent solicitor.

PlasticPatty · 04/11/2019 11:03

What's your financial position? Are you married in UK law (if you are in the UK) and do you have joint interest in property, or will you be starting again from scratch? Can you just walk away?

It does sound as if the relationship is over, and you don't come across as 'crazy' in your posts. Time to put your energies into your new life, without him, I'd say.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 04/11/2019 11:03

Divorce him and get your life back. You aren't happy, you resent him, your work has suffered because of him, and he calls you crazy and a nag. What's the point in staying married to him? Who benefits?

PurpleFrames · 04/11/2019 11:07

I totally agree with @BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs this is a ridiculous situation and don't leave a life of misery just because it's been a long marriage..

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 04/11/2019 11:07

Oh Op, just divorce him. Start nodding and saying '"hmm'" every time he says ANYTHING.

He is never going to take responsibility for his actions. He's never going to understand your point of view on things. Just disengage and tell yourself that it DOESN'T matter what he thinks. I know it feels now, that it matters, but it really doesn't. You just need to put enough distance between the two of you and you'll start seeing.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2019 11:09

I'd think that arguing over something from decades ago is him trying to invent reasons to leave you.

Yeah I mean if the only example of your "craziness" he can think of is you smoking too many cigarettes 24 years ago, I would be thinking the same, he's looking for ways to back up this idea of you he's created

Original poster

TheArtfulBodger · 04/11/2019 11:09

He won't leave due to DC. I sense he wants me to force him out so he can make me out to be the crazy one and he has had to put up with me. He has told me that I'll fuck up the DC and it'll be my fault as he has done nothing wrong.

Any other man would have left me years ago apparently . He's a Saint for staying.

After out convo yesterday (no shouting!) I am pretty sure my suspicions are correct that he has played away over the years (to make his hard life bearable in his mind) and he's got away with it as I've been too busy focusing on 4 DC (1 with SN) and struggling with my MH, due to childhood abuse, the loss of our 2nd child, being cast out by my family due to confronting my mother about the abuse.

My MH/self esteem has definitely been improving now I'm taking more care of myself, going to gym, losing weight, DC older, but I recently accepted it has been made worse by DH's lack of feeling for me and I deserve more.

I recently got paid a compliment by a couple we met while on holiday in his country. They told him what a beautiful wife he had. He immediately said 'well she's put weight on since I met her, you should have seen her then if you think she's beautiful now', The wife then asked me why I was with him.

I do love him though. It was love at first sight for me. I don't want to split but I can't cope with knowing he doesn't feel that way about me. It's very lonely. I have to initiate any contact. I need to resolve this for my MH. I want him to tell me he loves me but he won't. I think I deserve to feel loved which is a massive leap in building my self esteem.

I have to put DC first though? I read a thread on here the other day about a posters H leaving and how her 9 year old was so devastated. Youngest DC is 9. I'm sure he'd get with someone else straightaway. Not sure I could deal with that either.

I have thought about having an affair myself .

OP posts:

plominoagain · 04/11/2019 11:12

Jesus , sod that for a game of soldiers . I’d be on an instant diet if I were you . One where you lose 13 stone of asshole in a day . Life’s too short to be in this misery , and after 25 years , I think you’ve earned some happiness and lack of stress . Don’t you ?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 04/11/2019 11:21

I feel so sad for you reading your first post and the updates OP. You're right, you do deserve to be loved, and it would do wonders for your self esteem. I don't think you're going to get that solution from staying with this man though. He sounds thoroughly repulsive and is abusive. Your DC are going to grow up thinking it is normal for a man to treat his wife this way. Don't waste the rest of your life waiting for him to throw you scraps of affection that may not be forthcoming. Wipe your arse and get off that pot and flush him out of your life!

Pepperoniextracheese · 04/11/2019 11:22

I feel so sad for you that you've put up with this arsehole for so many years. Please don't stay with him, the kids will adapt. Don't let them grow up thinking the way he treats you is normal.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 04/11/2019 11:24

Leaving him is putting your DC first.

It will fuck up your children an awful lot more watching their father continually gaslight their mother than it will being raised by a single mum. He's just trying to guilt you so he doesn't have to face the 'shame' of you leaving him.

If you stay together, how will they learn about boundaries? About what relationships should look like? About how to treat other people? Do you want your children to think it's normal for one half of a couple to feel the way you do? To repeat the cycle and find themselves with a partner that speaks to them in they way your husband speaks to you? Or worse, to end up treating their partner like he treats you because that's what they think is normal? You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy mum. They're being robbed of that right now because their dad is treating their mum like dirt.

He doesn't love you, he's made that clear. But you are deserving of love and need to love yourself, and it doesn't sound like you ever will with him.

SunshineAngel · 04/11/2019 11:27

What the fuck? You're having an argument over something that happened a quarter of a century ago. For goodness sake! I wouldn't accept someone bringing something up that happened one year ago, never mind 24!

EmeraldShamrock · 04/11/2019 11:27

Feck it OP.
He is a dickhead. He is bringing up the past using it as a stick to beat you.
He wants out or not either way he is ensuring you suffer.
Horrible abusive behaviour when a person shows you who they really are open your eyes and ears don't excuse him.

PlasticPatty · 04/11/2019 11:33

Don't have an affair until you're shut of the dh. Why make yourself the villain in the scenario?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2019 11:45

I bet when you leave him and start to get your confidence back OP, you will realise that what you felt for him wasn't actually love at all, it was dependance and fear from years of manipulation that eats away at your self esteem. The poor you post about him the worse he sounds. What's bad for your DC is seeing this relationship and thinking that's how relationships are.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2019 11:46