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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent message

46 replies

Finallygotthere · 03/11/2019 23:04

I have just messaged (mistakenly?) My ex husband.
We split after he threatened my 16yo DS and behaved appallingly in general on holiday in June.
My FIL passed away 2 weeks after our split.
It is FIL birthday today and after having NC with ex H I messaged just to say I knew it would be a difficult day and I was sorry for what the family will be going through. Even though they were all complete CF's to me and my DC after the split.
ANYWAY he's just said that he's been given 2 - 3 years after having some lung tests carried out. (Unless he stops smoking)
Is this emotional guilt tripping or should I be concerned?
Honestly now kicking myself for messaging in first place

OP posts:
satanstoenailsandwich · 03/11/2019 23:06

He threatened your child. DO NOT get sucked back in. He's trying to manipulate you because he likes your sympathy. Reply saying I'm sorry to hear that. Then ignore and if you can't ignore, block and delete.

WillLokireturn · 04/11/2019 04:46

Emotional guilt trip
Just from his story/ logic he won't have 2-3 years, as of course he'll give up smoking, if he was genuinely given that news.

Ask him what he was diagnosed with? my experience is that you'd have to be pretty much towards end stage COPD to be given that short a prognosis; Asthma doesnt work like that; lung cancer, well he 'd have said cancer chemo and radio...

Mintjulia · 04/11/2019 04:53

Guilt tripping definitely. If he was really frightened he would stop smoking as he has been advised. Plenty of others do.

Ignore him.

ShippingNews · 04/11/2019 05:00

In reality, his doctor has told him " give up smoking or you'll be dead in a couple of years ". Don't get sucked in - he isn't in good health but I'm sure you knew that before. Stop contacting him - just move on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2019 05:16

No don’t get sucked in. He will get you playing nursey next. You made a very valid choice. Ignore the message.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 05:44

I was once throughly ripped apart on a thread for suggesting to an op whose ex (who had history of being dramatic and attention seeking) that she may want to find out of it's true. Apparantly, it never happens.

Except it does. OP, dont get sucked in. He could be lying. He could be telling the truth. Buy her threatened your son. He is your ex. You split for good reasons. He isnt your concern anymore.

user1480880826 · 04/11/2019 06:04

He’s trying to suck you back in. Don’t fall for it.

It also sounds like he’s talking garbage. If he had cancer and 2-3 years left to live he would be getting treatment. He wouldn’t simply be told to stop smoking and the problem will go alway. If he’s been told he risks getting very ill and dying in the next few years if he doesn’t stop smoking then what’s he actually got to worry about? He can simply stop smoking and the risk goes away.

RoseToes · 04/11/2019 06:08

Don’t get sucked back in

DonKeyshot · 04/11/2019 06:22

O Jeez. Get the violins out. He's feeding you a line and hoping you'll bite.

Text back saying 'Sorry to hear that. Suggest you stop smoking now and look forward to a long life'.

Is he your exh in law or are divorce proceedings pending/yet to start?

Goldenchildsmum · 04/11/2019 06:26

Good lord. What an arsehole

LuckyKitty13 · 04/11/2019 06:27

Just do not reply, I'd block his number too.

FridalovesDiego · 04/11/2019 06:28

It’s really nice of you to send that message, but to be honest I would stop right now and not even respond to his message.

Beautiful3 · 04/11/2019 06:34

No. Just ignore and block. Dont go there.

user1493413286 · 04/11/2019 06:40

It’s a guilt trip; if it’s true then he knows that he just needs to give up smoking and that’s his job.

Loveislandaddict · 04/11/2019 07:00

It was nice of you to send the message - nothing wrong in that.

However, he has the option of living longer, ie, by giving up smoking. Maybe send a neutral ‘sorry to hear th3 news reply’, then leave it at that.

AmIThough · 04/11/2019 07:02

You were nice to message him.
His 'diagnosis' is bollocks - it just doesn't work like that.

Beveren · 04/11/2019 07:08

I think I'd send details of how to stop smoking courses and ignore thereafter.

ChrisPrattsFace · 04/11/2019 07:13

‘I’m sorry to hear that, stop smoking sooner rather than later’
Done. Finished. Don’t reply again!

AdoreTheBeach · 04/11/2019 07:20

Op, you’re obviously a caring person for thinking of him/his family in relation to his father. Therefore I don’t think just ignoring this text is something you’d comfortably be able to do and not feel guilty.

However, he could may well be trying to manipulate you. So answer. Write back and say how sorry you are to hear that he is ill. You’re wishing him every success at giving up smoking and for a speedy recovery. Thereafter, you don’t have to reply or block the number for a few weeks just in case he messages back.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 04/11/2019 07:24

“I’m sorry to hear that, I hope that gives you the encouragement and incentive to stop smoking, good luck”

81Byerley · 04/11/2019 07:27

I agree with @MaybeitsMaybelline .

MyOtherProfile · 04/11/2019 07:29

Yes what Maybe and donkey said.

MzHz · 04/11/2019 07:30

I wouldn’t even reply.

Chances are it’s bollocks and you’ve said what you wanted to say.

Go back to NC

SD1978 · 04/11/2019 07:32

There is no disease that stopping smoking will cure if he would otherwise die. He either has a terminal lung disease, or he doesn't. Don't engage.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/11/2019 07:33

It's probably bollocks, but even if it was true, what could you do about it, would it change the outcome of your relationship, could/would you help. The answer is a big fat NO. You've said what you wanted to say. There's nothing more to say. Block again. You could send 'I'm sorry to hear that' and then block if you really fell the need. But nothing more