To have sent message

[Finallygotthere]

I have just messaged (mistakenly?) My ex husband.
We split after he threatened my 16yo DS and behaved appallingly in general on holiday in June.
My FIL passed away 2 weeks after our split.
It is FIL birthday today and after having NC with ex H I messaged just to say I knew it would be a difficult day and I was sorry for what the family will be going through. Even though they were all complete CF's to me and my DC after the split.
ANYWAY he's just said that he's been given 2 - 3 years after having some lung tests carried out. (Unless he stops smoking)
Is this emotional guilt tripping or should I be concerned?
Honestly now kicking myself for messaging in first place

I wouldn’t be saying anything along the line of “sorry to hear that” because I wouldn’t be. “How worrying for you” is far more accurate

Telling him to give up smoking is ridiculous, even the most idiotic of people know that smoking will kill you eventually, so why waste your own breath telling him something he already knows?

So the best option is nothing. He’s said what he’s said for a reason; to get attention for himself and hook you in, even if momentarily. Any kind of response is a win to this sad specimen.

Aside from the fact that - actually- the world will be a better place with one less abusive male in it.

So the only response is no response

Thank you all.. I am a bit if a soft touch!!
I definetly couldn't ignore it and have taken all the advice given, messaging that I'm sorry to hear that and I wished good luck in giving up smoking (which he did for 3 years when we were together, albeit using a vape).. and have now blocked all ways he could contact me.

I wouldn’t be saying anything along the line of “sorry to hear that” because I wouldn’t be. “How worrying for you” is far more accurate

Same here. Who cares? It’s probably just bollocks to guilt trip you anyway.

Do you have DC with him?

Well done. Nice reply then very sensible to block.

You were unwise to contact him. You have no children together so absolutely no need for any contact. Remember this is the man who was physically and verbally abusive to you and your son. The 'diagnosis' is a load of codswallop.

Bit of a change in thread but all the advice has been so good thought I'd ask about this. Also now that we have separated I really have no one to ask.

DS 2 and I leave for work about 8.15/20 which means DS 3 (12 in march) is home alone for 30 to 40 minutes before going to school. I know no place is completely without issues but we live in a 'safe' area with neighbours who know us well and school is 5 minute walk away. But am u being reckless leaving him?

No, he is secondary age. Secondary children should be able to get themselves up and out for school.

He'll be absolutely fine

Fine to leave him alone.
Are you going to send XH a multipack of fags with a 'crack on' message?

Guilt tripping. Although it can be good to be on Bette terms so I would send a message saying how sorry you are. BUT keep your distance.

I had a relation with COPD which he likely has. They were told 3 years if they didn’t stop smoking. But of course relation did stop smoking and still okay 20 years later. Well not totally okay - has to manage breathing inhalers etc and cannot exercise or walk fast but independent.

Beware the blue lights OP, the dash to hospital, the vital urgent care. For one of the narcs in my life this has happened twice already this year alone: and obviously it's been my fault. Both times through the strength I have gained from a lot of therapy, I've barely responded (historically I would have dropped everything and rushed to their bedside to mop their brow), and instead said "glad you're in the right place / being looked after."

It is hard but your ex threatened your DC. Unforgivable. Don't get drawn back in - take a breath and google the grey rock method. I'm still learning to practise what I preach - and it doesn't come easy for us empaths. Good luck.

12 is the perfect age for children to be given some independence. That time in the morning is a safe time of day, more or less anywhere.

He just needs to keep quiet about having the house to himself.

On the other issue, I'd have diabetes and vascular problems if I'd carried on eating. That wasn't a, situation that needed sympathy, i just needed to get my shit together.

He had been diagnosed with terminal drama. Leave him to it.

Terminal drama

I agree you are being lured back in, don't go there. Wish him well with and don't mention it again or ask how he is doing, or any kind of engagement going forward. It isn't your problem anymore.

Ignoring him might inflame things, a simple one line wishing him well with his health will suffice. It was a mistake to message him in the first place, as you have already said, lesson learnt now and move on. Don't give it another thought. You split up for a very good reason op.

Yep, that was a mistake.

This man threatened your son. Do not contact him again other than if legally required, or regarding your chidren.

'There is no disease that stopping smoking will cure if he would otherwise die. He either has a terminal lung disease, or he doesn't. Don't engage.'

I think with COPD it could improve/lengthen the prognosis though, or maybe stop it being as likely to be fatal, IDK.

A friend has a lung condition (COPD -emphysema) and it is the flare ups that are most likely to kill. Giving up smoking might decrease the amount of flare ups, and so the risk of a bad outcome. I'm sure it'd also lead to less progression of the disease.

My GP told me that I have the early stages of COPD due to smoking, guess what? Iv given up smoking, Iv smoked for 40 years so it wasnt easy. He has a choice, don't get sucked back in.

Thanks all so much. X

My dd is 11 and at secondary school. Sometimes she's on her own for 30/40 mins after school