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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm a shit mother

55 replies

Organicmamahope · 03/11/2019 21:28

I just lost my temper at bedtime with my 4 year old. He wasn't doing anything wrong really except refusing to go to bed, clean teeth. Use the bathroom etc. Usual toddler stuff. I was just exhausted after a very long day. Afterwards he said he didn't like me and was scared of me. I just can't do this parenting stuff anymore. I am a shit shit mother. I give everything and it's still not enough.

OP posts:

Jarw · 03/11/2019 22:31

Don't beat yourself up too much. We all have our off days. I sometimes lose my temper with my 2 year old and regret it almost instantly afterwards. I've only ever smacked his hand away a few times due to him pinching us even though I've said no 100 times previously and that was last resort but I do lose my temper occasionally and shout at him for being naughty or not listening to me.

Muddlingalongalone · 03/11/2019 22:40

It must be full moon or something. I lost it with my 5 year old tonight. By 9:30 I just sat in front of the door & cried.
Bless her it was her birthday party earlier so she was probably just over sugared & over tired but the screaming because I didn't do it right when I let her turn off the light was too much for me.

Pixxie7 · 03/11/2019 22:42

You sound perfectly normal to me. We all act out of character at times.

FreeStar · 03/11/2019 22:44

It's normal for mother's to shout on occasion and perfectly acceptable when a child is misbehaving. And I wouldn't refer to a four year old as a toddler. At four he's old enough to be naughty and old enough to understand expectations like brushing teeth, and getting ready for bed and doing as he's told. I wouldn't apologise either if he deserved a telling off!

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 03/11/2019 22:47

Muddlingalongalone, I think sugar does have a big part to play. Mine have been sneaking their trick or treat bounty all day and have been hyper as a result.

OP posts:

ladyflower23 · 03/11/2019 22:57

I agree that a 4 year old is not a toddler and will understand that he should get ready for bed as you ask him to. You know you should have handled it differently so you are not a shit mother. Just someone who was pushed past her limits today. You're not a robot so don't beat yourself up over shouting at a child. They can be infuriating and we've all done it!

SidSparrow · 03/11/2019 23:03

Ah must be the day for it. This was me earlier with DD going to bed. I was shattered (I'm in 3rd trimester), 19 month old was totally acting up. It can be cute, but when I'm tired... it's frustrating. The end point for me was the kicking game when I'm changing her, this drives me bananas since my stern voice and face seems to make her find it funnier. I bellowed out my DHs name in to come take over, whilst I went and sat in a different room a bit shaken, feeling guilty and full of worry for the year ahead. How will I cope with 2? How will I cope being tired with a full on toddler and a baby?! Etc etc. And then, a bit of breathing space, then a few cuddles later, and it's fine.

We are human, sometimes we react, but it's how we deal with it. I second the suggestion of the book The Book You Wish your Parents had read. My father too was very tempremental, very moody and downright unapproachable. The key is communication, keep that healthy and you'll be fine.

Casmama · 03/11/2019 23:04

Every parent has the occasion when their child says they don't like them, try not to take it to heart.
I agree with others who say he isn't a toddler and is just about the age that he is learning how to push buttons.
Don't beat yourself up -we all have days we shout too much - tomorrow is another day and we get a chance to start over

Gooseygoosey12345 · 03/11/2019 23:07

There must be something in the water today. I shouted at my toddler earlier at dinner time, he was being really difficult and was probably over tired and I hadn't stopped all day and I just wanted to sit down and eat. It's not an excuse but we're all human and sometimes it's just too much. But we can all recognise it and do better next time, it doesn't make you (or me, or anyone else) a shit mum at all. It's not an awful thing to teach them that everybody has bad days and can lose their temper (not violently, obviously) but that if we apologise and try not to do it again we can be forgiven. I really don't think it does any good to show children that we're perfect and give them some impossible perfect role model that they're expected to emulate as they get older.

Hecateh · 03/11/2019 23:11

Would you have dared tell your dad that you were scared of him.

I suspect not - as in general you have to feel fairly safe to say you are scared.

If you say you are scared to an abusive person they would welcome that and maybe even say 'You are supposed to be' or something similar

Dieu · 03/11/2019 23:13

You're not a shit mum. It's just that kids are a pain in the tits sometimes. Kinda goes with the territory.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/11/2019 23:14

You will not find a parent anywhere who never shouts at their children! Honestly we all do it, we get tired and and just blow our top! The guilt has come from your relationship with your dad, not your relationship with your son so you need to separate the two! Don't worry, you'll all have moved on from it by morning x

PumpkinP · 03/11/2019 23:15

4 year old is definitely not a toddler, they are in school at that age

Misty9 · 03/11/2019 23:29

You're not alone. I lost it with my 8yo yesterday and they've gone back to their dad's a day early. At their request

I recommend checking out the website www.ahaparenting.com it's a bit American but the ideas are based on sound theory and I've found it really helpful. Especially the part which focuses on us as parents looking after ourselves first

Tomorrow is another day

St0pTryingT0MakeFetchHappen · 04/11/2019 07:52

Could have written this post. My 4 year old is being defiant for the sake of it all the time. I'm looking at extending nursery hours as he is driving me batshit

pooboobsleeprepeat · 04/11/2019 08:33

A shit mum wouldn’t care or being writing this post. Everyone loses their shit sometimes, what you do afterwards is what matters.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/11/2019 16:22

You're not a shit mum because you're posting on here.

I can have quite a short fuse and I find 123 Magic really helps me more than the children. Look it up online, but basically you clearly and calmly state (3 times) what you what the child to do and what the consequence will be. When you get to the third time, you do the consequence. It really stops be losing my temper because I have a very clear request, very clear consequence. You just have to be very careful what your consequence is because you have to do it if you get that far. Ours is usually time out on the step or going to bed without me/DH reading a story (if close to bedtime).

It really helps me keep a clear head and stay calm because there's a definite plan to follow.

Good luck, 4yo can be a tricky age.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2019 16:25

I give everything and it's still not enough
Just a little tip here.
It will never be enough.
These are kids and they will push and push and push their boundaries.
It does NOT make you a shit mother.
If you really don't want to shout at all (another tip, it will happen again) then just hands in the air and walk away from the situation.

Brefugee · 04/11/2019 16:27

Aw, only the good parents worry that they're bad parents.

I hated the little children years so much. At times when they pulled this stunt I just used to put them in their bed (carried, like a parcel under my arm if necessary) and leave the room and close the door. And after the 3rd time they came out I used to leave them to it and go in my room and shut the door and lean on it.

It didn't help anyone outside of the fact that it enabled me to not go completely apeshit, and cry where they couldn't see me. Once I went out of my room to find them asleep on the landing with a quilt over them and their teddies. Little buggers.

Spanglyprincess1 · 04/11/2019 16:36

I sobbed for 20 min after sling library n trying to force 15mth ds to cooperate with trying slings... Que biting, hitting and geral gitness. Everyone else's child was being perfect and he screamed in a high pitched tone until he got a snack to shut him up. Back in car, smiles and happy singing on way home.
Honestly don't worry, if he was scared he wouldn't tell you. He's fine, just cuddle and tell him you love him

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 04/11/2019 17:45

Thank you for all these posts reassuring me I am not a monster and am doing ok. I have found the resources suggested really useful and have bought the book on Amazon which I will try and read tonight. I am also trying to identify my triggers and avoid me being overly tired or hungry or stressed. I am rubbish at lone parenting and do much better if I have support of some kind.

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Woollycardi · 04/11/2019 18:00

Oh bless you, all this stuff is really bloody hard. I agree with the poster who said that she wouldn't have told you you were scary if she didn't feel comfortable enough with you to do that. So as shit as it might feel to hear, you can rest assured that you're not as scary to her as you might think you are.

Screwtheclockchange · 04/11/2019 18:07

Glad you're feeling a bit better, OP. I agree with everyone else that we all handle situations in a non-ideal way sometimes - it's how you behave afterwards (and do better next time) that counts!

Oh, and for what it's worth, my three year-old went through an extended phase of saying "you're scary, mummy. You shouted at me!" every time she didn't get her own way, no matter how calm and gentle I was with my voice and body language. You know if you got it wrong this time but you'll get a lot of "I don't like you, mummy, you're mean" even when you're doing it right.

GuessWhoColeen · 04/11/2019 18:15

I really go over the edge if I am tired, if DC are tired as well, its like a firework.

Can you put him to bed earlier?

I mean that in a nice way. So its not rushed and you are not desperate to get him in bed (I get desperate)

That way you hopefully wont feel as stressed with it all .

I do this 90% of the time & it is quite civilised.

The other 10% is a shitstorm.

You are not shit!

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 09/11/2019 20:30

Oh dear I've lost the plot with them again
At bedtime. I can't go on like this. Feel desperate . Perhaps I should send them away to live with their dad. I can't cope anymore and I'm starting to hate them.

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