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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told the truth? (Long sorry)

36 replies

narcdad45 · 03/11/2019 18:48

Name changed but long time poster.

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly this year. She lived with my dad but they have been divorced since I was 2 (I'm now early 40's).

I believe my dad is a narcissist, he abused my mum, my brother and me physically, emotionally and financially for years. When I moved out around 20 years ago our relationship was "ok" but that's a whole other thread!

So my AIBU is..... when we went to register mums death, the registrar asked mums marital status. Dad said married I said divorced which is the truth.

Dad asked if I "wanted to do this to him" but I said it's the truth and it's a legal document. Registrar stated it has to be what is factually correct which is divorced.

A few months have passed and my dad has told my mums niece (who I am very close to) that he has another son and my brother and I will get a shock when it comes to his will.

This is his "punishment" as he feels I've done him wrong but was I BU?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 03/11/2019 18:53

You weren't being unreasonable. At all.

I'm so sorry that your DF has been so awful to you for your whole life, and that your poor mum has died having lived with his abuse.

I'd distance yourself from him as much as possible. Don't let the contents of his will be another method of abusing you. Assume there will be nothing in it for you and try to be happy.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum. I hope you and your DB are comforting each other Thanks

plunkplunkfizz · 03/11/2019 18:56

Totally reasonable thing for you to do.

RedSheep73 · 03/11/2019 19:00

What else could you have done? and why was it so important to him anyway? sounds like he is the type that will contrive to get offended somehow whatever you do!

strawberry2017 · 03/11/2019 19:02

You told the truth.
You did what you were asked to do.
If there is another son then don't give your dad the satisfaction of reacting the way he's expecting you too.

Leeds2 · 03/11/2019 19:03

Let him crack on. You did the right thing. And I am not sure why it actually matters to him.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/11/2019 19:05

OP did your mum leave a will?

If not, your dad's situation might be terribly precarious - as they were divorced all her assets pass to her next of kin (ie you) rather than to him; this might explain his anger and declaration about his own plans

Yambabe · 03/11/2019 19:05

Did your mum leave a will?

If married at time of death your dad would be her next of kin and in line to inherit anything she owned if she didn't.

If there is no will and they are legally divorced he isn't entitled to any of her assets, everything should go to you and your sibling(s).

Might that be why he didn't want the truth on the death certificate?

Ferretyone · 03/11/2019 19:07

@Yambabe

Spot on 100% Flowers

LordNibbler · 03/11/2019 19:12

You weren't being U at all. Probably the best thing to do now that your mum has gone is to walk away from your father and never look back. Men like him never change and you don't need him or to put up with his shit any longer.

bridgetreilly · 03/11/2019 19:23

You did the right thing. And don't let him hold any future inheritance over you to make you feel guilty/do what he wants. Make it very clear that you don't expect anything from him, and then get on with your life.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 19:49

Sorry for your loss OP.
Your dad is being silly on deceitful. Don’t know which. You absolutely did the right thing. I hope you get something in her will. Hopefully half the house.

Original poster
narcdad45 · 03/11/2019 20:00

Thank you for all replies, I have been doubting my sanity!

Mum did not leave a will, the deeds to the house were in both their names, I've since found out he changed the deed into his name 2 months after mum died.

He systematically breaks people down, money and power are his goals. I think I will need counselling as so much hurt is coming to the surface.

OP posts:
Elieza · 03/11/2019 20:10

Has he changed the deeds legally? Or has he somehow pretended they were still married or forged her signature on something? I think something smells fishy here. I’d be checking that out. Sorry OP.

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2019 20:15

@narcdad45

Mum did not leave a will, the deeds to the house were in both their names, I've since found out he changed the deed into his name 2 months after mum died.

I don’t think what he did there is legal given they were in fact divorced. I think you should seek legal advice. You were her next of kin, not him, so he’s just stolen 50% of the house from you. Please see a solicitor.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 03/11/2019 20:18

He can go fuck himself. In the meantime, his other son can do all running around and looking after him when the time comes, i would not be moving a finger for this vile man. He can shove his will up his arse.
He only has the power you give him, best is to stick to the truth and distance from him. Tell him you’re neither interested nor need his will (or him) in your life.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/11/2019 20:20

You definitely need to get legal advice op - if the house was jointly owned and they were divorced then without a will your mums half of the house belongs to you and your sibling!

mrsm43s · 03/11/2019 20:24

If they were joint tenants, then the house would pass automatically to your dad regardless of marital status. If they were tenants in common, her portion of the house should pass to her next of kin, so marital status would be relevant.

Original poster
narcdad45 · 03/11/2019 20:25

@Cherrysoup I didn't realise that, he changed the deeds after mum died so I will definitely get legal advise!

I did see a solicitor who said they were changed, thinking back my dad did say we could do probate now, probably as he'd already changed the deeds!

OP posts:
Original poster
narcdad45 · 03/11/2019 20:34

@mrsm43s it was joint tenants, however mum found a document he left out stating it was tenants in common, she even took it to a solicitor, I think it was forged so mum would believe she had rights.

He is the master manipulator.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/11/2019 20:42

You definitely need legal advice OP.

You did the right thing and I hope you manage to get it sorted.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/11/2019 20:42

The fact that you are doubting yourself in what was such a clear cut legal situation and not realising the deed changing is wrong st the age of 40 shows how intrenched his abuse is. But you are sane/ wise enough to recognise you will need counselling to get through what will no doubt be an ugly process

clutchingon · 03/11/2019 21:21

Op I had to register my mums death with my dad and refer to my mum as single for the registrar. They were together 43 years but never married. I think my dad found that hard but it is factually correct and my dad was accepting of that. Your dad is a twat. By the way if your mum didn't leave a will her assets come straight to you and your siblings.

clutchingon · 03/11/2019 21:25

Op do you still have the tenants in common document? Maybe speak to the solicitor your mum saw and ask for a copy of their file. Would your mum have known the difference?

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2019 21:31

@narcdad4 I think you need to move super fast, OP, your dad has no right to have done that, he’s doing you out of your inheritance. He has fraudulently changed the deeds-how the hell has he managed that? Did he get copies of the death certificate and did your mum keep her surname the same as your dad’s? That’s how he will have done it, sneaky and definitely fraud! You need proof of divorce, is it public record anywhere?

clutchingon · 03/11/2019 21:40

You can apply to the court for a copy of the divorce certificate. Dad has done nothing wrong if they held as joint tenants though. Was the property registered? There would have been a restriction on the title if it was tenants in common.

Also, I think only the legal ownership goes on the
Land reg docs. If you were the beneficiary of half of the property then you and your brother should have a restriction that should be registered. I don't think (but happy to be corrected) that you inherit half the legal title. It's to protect your dad so that you can't for example force sale.

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