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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been ghosted by my sister..

35 replies

Crazyladee · 03/11/2019 11:32

I just don't know what to do. I'm really upset and could do with some advice.
Basically I'm normally really close to my sister. We are in our 40s and live round the corner from each other. Our parents live close by too. I would describe us as a really small but close knit family.

We used to get together at least once a week to go for coffee/wine/gym etc. She gets on well with my DH and we get on with her DP too.
The last time I saw my sister was early September where we all met up for drinks. I brought up plans for New Year's Eve as we normally spend NYE together. She became a bit vague and said that she wasn't sure what they were doing yet and mentioned something about they might be going away, but will let me know. I was a bit disappointed at this and later mentioned this to DH. DH gently told me that from where he was sitting, it was obvious that she doesn't want to spend NYE with us and accept it. That night, scrolling through my phone it occurred to me that lately I had instigated all the meet ups, coffees together and meals out.
So I decided to do a little experiment and not contact her and let her contact me for a change.
That was early September. I had no contact from her til early October when it was my birthday. She texted me to arrange to come over with my present and card. An hour before she had arranged to come over, she rang me and explained something had come up and she had to cancel coming over. Her reason was justified at the time, so I told her not to worry. She ended the call saying she will rearrange another time with me.
We always usually make an effort on each others birthdays and always do presents and cards so I'm upset that a month later, I've still not heard anything from her, and my birthday has been and gone. But honestly it's not really all about my birthday.
I'm due to have fairly major surgery next week and to put it bluntly I'm shitting myself. She knew I was on the waiting list for the surgery, but two weeks ago I found out my date. I know she knows when I'm having the surgery done as my DM has told her, but I can't help but feel so hurt that she has not been in touch with me.
I have no idea how to play this now, but my experiment has shown me that she means more to me than I mean to her.
What if anything should I do? Please be gentle I can't seem to post in relationships without losing my entire post so its ended up in AIBU!

OP posts:
DannyWallace · 03/11/2019 11:36

Hi OP
Sorry to hear about this, and I’m sorry to hear you’re worrying about your surgery. I hope it all goes well Flowers.

That does sound so strange about your sister. I think I would have to ask her. Even a text...

“Hey sister. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, I was just wondering if something has happened, or have I done something to upset you? I would love to see you again soon”

Original poster
Crazyladee · 03/11/2019 11:37

So sorry I did put paragraphs in my OP but it's not posted it that way!

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 03/11/2019 11:39

Has your mum not had anything to say.

geekone · 03/11/2019 11:48

Thing is, it’s not an experiment you have been playing a game. It might just be that she loves meeting up but is not an organiser and has other things in her mind so doesn’t always remember to contact you. Maybe she feels you no longer want to meet and talk with her as you have not messages in a while. Maybe she is as worried about you?

I think you can either decide you are the communicator in your relationship and have a relationship with your sister or you can stop and then have a lesser relationship.

Maybe she wants to do her own thing at NY but you are domineering and she feels awkward telling you.

Sportsnight · 03/11/2019 11:56

I agree with geek one. You may have really thrown her by suddenly cutting contact, if you’re usually the person who starts it. It’s a bit of a mean “experiment”, and what does it matter who initiates contact if you both enjoy seeing each other in the moment. I think you might have unwittingly made things worse. You could try to make the first move?

Instatwat · 03/11/2019 12:01

Why would you arrange an “experiment” rather that just sending her a message to ask if everything is ok? That’s not what close family do, and would really piss me off if I was your sister.

Dollymixture22 · 03/11/2019 12:02

If his was my sister I would have asked by now. She might have thought you were in a huff with her about New Years, and you might both be being stubborn.

Or there might be something else going on here that you need to know about.

Go round to her house. Say you rally miss her and you really need her at the moment, ask what is going on.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 03/11/2019 12:07

I totally get why you did what you did. I've done the same thing in the past with my mum (who is great in many ways but I noticed I just didn't seem to be that important to her compared my sister). I stopped txting/calling etc and after she said she would call the following day to speak to my children after school and never did. It took a week for her to txt me and after a couple of messages she asked if I could lend her some money so yeah that made me feel like shit.

It shouldn't have to be you making the effort all the time regardless of what she is used to.

BeanBag7 · 03/11/2019 12:11

She probably thinks you are ghosting her if you usually contact her a lot and arrange meet ups and have suddenly stopped.

marriedwithhounds · 03/11/2019 12:15

Best way forward is to text her, I think. Avoid being critical of her actions even though you feel hurt - go with something like 'is everything okay? I haven't heard from you in a while. Bricking it about my surgery and would really appreciate your support as I love you so much x'

Fantababy · 03/11/2019 12:16

It's always me who contacts my sister as she's not an organiser, plus I have kids and she doesn't so I tend to be the one who is less available! I don't think that suggests an imbalance in our relationship. I think if your sister was ghosting you she'd not have been meeting up with you on all those precious occasions.

AgnesGrundy · 03/11/2019 12:17

She's possibly lazy not ghosting you - have you always done all the running/ organising/ contacting? She may just be used to that. The not wanting to spend Nye together might be a completely separate one off with a different reason - do you usually drink together and would not drinking be a big deal? Could she be pregnant and not want to say? Or perhaps she has just had a better offer - bit mean but depends whether it's a one off.

Sometimes people are just passive rather than spiteful.

WantToBeMum · 03/11/2019 12:24

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. In large part this is me in my family. I am the instigator and organiser of all contact and time spent together, not because my family don't want to speak to or see me but because they are rubbish at starting it.
In the past I've tried the same as you, stopped beginning all contact and gone a couple of months before giving in, only to be met with them saying "why have you been ignoring us" Hmm It hurts because I wonder that when something is wrong in my life they would not notice. But since I enjoy them, I just accept that it all starts with me. I would drop your experiment and not even mention it to your family, but just accept that you are better at this than them Smile
That said... from reading your post I wonder whether something is going on in your sister's life that she hasn't told you about. If she got you a birthday gift and only lives around the corner it would take 5mins to drop it over sometime over the past month. So I just wonder if her mind is preoccupied with something else.
Since you have your operation coming up could you use this as an instigator to make contact again? Say you are worried about the operation and would really love to go for coffee/lunch/etc before the op, or say something like that you are worried about it and she always make you feel better so could you spend some time together before the op, etc. Then when you are together you could ask if how she is, how she 'really' is, tell her you've missed spending time with her.
Good luck with the op next week, I hope it goes well and you have a speedy recovery.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 03/11/2019 12:31

But surely the ball is in her court and she should initiate contact seeing as she's completely missed my birthday? When she texted me a month ago, my birthday present and card was in the back of her car waiting to be dropped off. Shouldn't she be the one to get back in touch?

My DM doesn't know this is going on as I don't want her involved and don't want to upset her as it would.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 03/11/2019 12:37

get on the phone and speak to her like a proper person, hiding behind text is rubbish in this case, say you miss her and would like to meet up, if she's hums and haws ask if you've upset her in some way.
just talk with her.

stayfit · 03/11/2019 12:37

Is she worried for you? Some people have a weird way of dealing with things and tend to not speak or go into a shell. Do you know if this could be the case? I would ask her in your situation simply to know what's going on in her mind.

stayfit · 03/11/2019 12:37

Good luck with your surgery and hope it goes well

Original poster
Crazyladee · 03/11/2019 12:39

Yes I'm always the one to arrange stuff with her but I'm not necessarily expecting her to contact me with a view to arranging anything but a text that would take seconds just to check in with me knowing she's left it too late now to bother giving me my birthday gift but to acknowledge my operation. Why should I ask for the support I need? Why can't she get in touch and offer it?
Very unlikely she's pregnant or anything else going on as I get the recent news off my unsuspecting DM.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 03/11/2019 12:42

But surely the ball is in her court and she should initiate contact... Shouldn't she be the one to get back in touch?

Depends on what’s more important to you; fixing your relationship with your sister or her ‘taking her turn’ to contact you. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you need to start acting like a grown up and stop pissing about with silly experiments and whose turn it is to call.

Tistheseason17 · 03/11/2019 12:44

This reminds me of another thread where OP was told their DP was not a mind reader.

A relationship is 2 way and if for many years it has been one accepted way then why would your DSis expect it to be any different?

If you want it to be different you need to TELL her how you would like it - and be gentle as it is you who is moving the goal posts.

I don't think you are wrong in wanting her to be be on more of an equal footing in the relationship input - but just be careful in how you go about it. You are in your 40s so it has been the current way for a loooong time. Good luck as you could lose her completely.

AgnesGrundy · 03/11/2019 12:47

It's not that you "should" do anything or that she's in the right, it's just that you're not hurting anyone but yourself by avoiding making contact by the sound of it. She's either lazy or busy or not bothered or distracted or upset about something.

Probably none of that's your fault, but stewing over it doesn't help you. If you want to see her call her - if you stand on principle and don't call her because she should call you, you might be in the right but what good will that do you?

It sounds as though you miss her. If you don't, then leave it to her. If you do, call her.

Icecreamsoda99 · 03/11/2019 12:54

Like a previous poster, I wonder if your surgery has frighted her too, and her rather selfish way of dealing with it is to keep her distance. I'd give her a call or send a non confrontational text to say you've noticed that things have seemed a bit off, is she okay, and that you love and care about her, I know she should be supporting you but maybe she doesn't have the capacity to deal with it.

marriedwithhounds · 03/11/2019 13:05

From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like you'd feel happy taking a soft approach. In which case, you ought to text or call her and say that you are feeling very hurt and upset that she values you so little. Be straight and direct with her and see what she says.

dottiedodah · 03/11/2019 13:13

I see your point here ,but really do you want to fall out with her altogether? A quick text ,to let her know whats happening about you and your op will be an icebreaker .The facts are ,this sort of a situation can be what leads up to people not speaking to one another more than a big row!

Original poster
Crazyladee · 03/11/2019 15:28

Thanks for the replies.

I suppose the stubborn old me is saying stop being a mug and let her make the effort to get in touch for once, but I get the comments about cutting off my nose to spite my face. And to the poster telling me to grow up, I don't agree that it is childish to take a step back, and see what happens. I'm just saddened that the outcome wasn't what I wanted.

Lots to think about..

OP posts:
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