Been ghosted by my sister..

[Crazyladee]

I just don't know what to do. I'm really upset and could do with some advice.
Basically I'm normally really close to my sister. We are in our 40s and live round the corner from each other. Our parents live close by too. I would describe us as a really small but close knit family.

We used to get together at least once a week to go for coffee/wine/gym etc. She gets on well with my DH and we get on with her DP too.
The last time I saw my sister was early September where we all met up for drinks. I brought up plans for New Year's Eve as we normally spend NYE together. She became a bit vague and said that she wasn't sure what they were doing yet and mentioned something about they might be going away, but will let me know. I was a bit disappointed at this and later mentioned this to DH. DH gently told me that from where he was sitting, it was obvious that she doesn't want to spend NYE with us and accept it. That night, scrolling through my phone it occurred to me that lately I had instigated all the meet ups, coffees together and meals out.
So I decided to do a little experiment and not contact her and let her contact me for a change.
That was early September. I had no contact from her til early October when it was my birthday. She texted me to arrange to come over with my present and card. An hour before she had arranged to come over, she rang me and explained something had come up and she had to cancel coming over. Her reason was justified at the time, so I told her not to worry. She ended the call saying she will rearrange another time with me.
We always usually make an effort on each others birthdays and always do presents and cards so I'm upset that a month later, I've still not heard anything from her, and my birthday has been and gone. But honestly it's not really all about my birthday.
I'm due to have fairly major surgery next week and to put it bluntly I'm shitting myself. She knew I was on the waiting list for the surgery, but two weeks ago I found out my date. I know she knows when I'm having the surgery done as my DM has told her, but I can't help but feel so hurt that she has not been in touch with me.
I have no idea how to play this now, but my experiment has shown me that she means more to me than I mean to her.
What if anything should I do? Please be gentle I can't seem to post in relationships without losing my entire post so its ended up in AIBU!

I would just text her and ask if she is free for coffee this week?

I agree with you that you should step back a little. Something is obviously up with her and you can't be expected to read her mind. Is this something she does when something has bothered her? Has she form for behaving like that?

If you usually instigate contact and if she still hasn't given you your birthday present (do you think that actually exists?) then I'd leave it - surely she will contact you when you are in hospital?

I hope there's nothing to worry about, either health-wise or regarding your sister.

What's her partner like? Could he be causing her problems?

I would phone. Texts are always tricky to get right and the tone of voice is often misunderstood.

If it were my DS I would phone her up this evening and say bluntly, 'What's going on? You were going to bring my birthday present round a month ago and still haven't bothered. I'm having surgery next week and I'm really hurt and upset about the way you've just droppped me since about September. I thought we were close. Is there a reason for this behaviour, cos I'm racking my brains to wonder what I've done to you'.

I wouldn't tiptoe round it - I'd make it clear I wanted an explanation. If she says 'Oh I've just been busy,' I would say, 'Well that's not really good enough. You've made me feel shit'.

Send your sister a message e.g

Hi sis, sorry not been in contact sooner, been a bit busy with my hospital surgery date coming up soon, so I've been trying to prepare for that....what day are you free so we can meet (at my place/your place/ cafe in town) for a coffee and catch up"

If you get the cold shoulder and no meet up after that, you may need to ask your mum if she knows what is going on, of she doesn't then you may have to ask her if everything is ok with her or if you have done/said anything to offend her...if this is out of he ordinary behaviour for her then something has triggered it...

What is her husband like? Could he be isolating her away from her family, can't go to New year's and can't meet for your birthday and slowly cutting contact...because abusive partners can seem like the best person ever to the outside world (so noone would suspect they are an abuser) but behind close doors it's a different matter and they isolate their victims from their family...could that be happening?

OP I wondered and I may be way off the mark here but if you are as close as you say both couples then for your husband to say something like its obvious they dont want to spend time with you ,would suggest to me that it may be worth asking him if he knows anything..as the odd behaviour seems to stem from that night.Could he know perhaps more than you do about the situation? just a thought.But if I were you I would pick up the phone and call ...it could be a daft misunderstanding easily solved.Hope your surgery goes well and you get this sorted..go on be brave its your sister and life is way too short for things like this especially when you were so close....go on be the bigger person pick up the bloody phone!!!

Op did you message your sister?

Could she have problems she doesn't want to share with you ...maybe marital? It can be hard to be with people who know us very well if there are problems we don't want to share. Or could she be depressed. When people are depressed the can be more likely to be reactive to other people's suggestions for arrangements rather than proactive themselves.

Maybe her husband doesn't want to do New Year with you and she doesn't want to tell you. That could make her reluctant to see you?

You are not as close a family as you thought if you were unable to simply tell your sister how you felt instead of testing her.
If you have been arranging weekly meetup and suddenly stopped she may think you are angry with her.
TALK TO ONE ANOTHER. Stop making one another guess. Easier said than don in a family where it is your job to read the signs instead of communicating with words.