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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this is it

48 replies

pepperminttea7 · 03/11/2019 03:40

DP is out with friends and staying out of the house for 24 hours. I have responsibility of our dog and invited friends over.

DP has been out of contact completely. This has been an issue with us after some websites I found made me really rethink my trust in him. He agreed and realised he needed to do as I needed by reassuring etc
However at 10pm tonight he stopped making sense, he was out of contact for 2 hours completely.

I then ended up having a horrific time with a friend who's struggling with mental health. We are both sat here in tears and he's is just acting like I'm a burden over text.

We have just put in to buy a house for £500,000 together. I'm only 25.

Aibu to say either you show me your support or that's it I'm done?

OP posts:

Bluewavescrashing · 03/11/2019 03:44

Do you know the friends he is with? Does he go out often?

Widowodiw · 03/11/2019 03:48

He’s out with friends, probably has one two many to drink he’s not going to keep in touch realistically. From what you said you suspects he’s cheated at some point- is that correct? In which case I see why you want him to keep in touch- however you also need to learn to trust him again and I’m not sure this is the right way to do that.

Original poster

pepperminttea7 · 03/11/2019 03:55

He's out with friends I know.
He stopped making sense in texts from 10pm and is trying to act like I'm the crazy one.

I've had an awful experience with a friend tonight I just didn't expect. He said he ignored me on purpose tonight. I'm so mad and so upset and I just can't trust him. He's meant to see the football (a team he doesn't support) with his friends tomorrow. I've said that if he goes he is showing a lack of commitment to me by going out, if he wants to prove he is trustworthy he will come home to support me.

He is texting like he doesn't care and is happily saying his friends are ready for me to call etc which is messed up. Sounds like he's on drugs which is my no go.

OP posts:

Mintlegs · 03/11/2019 03:58

What were the websites?

Original poster

pepperminttea7 · 03/11/2019 03:59

Websites were anonymous chat rooms, never got to the bottom of why he used it

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 03/11/2019 04:05

I’ll be honest, you sound controlling.

If I go out with my friends I don’t stay in touch constantly and, unless there’s an emergency of some kind, I’d not expect him to help me with friend stuff until he’s home.

The chat rooms is different - I don’t really know what you mean by them. Are they adult in nature or for sex work? Or just online chatting which some people like?

If you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him but based solely on the information you’ve given you sound like hard work and I think YABU.

Limpshade · 03/11/2019 04:13

Let me get this right...

You are annoyed because he's out for the night and he's gone more than two hours without contacting you?

You are upset because you are texting him about a problem your friend is having while he's out trying to have fun, and he's not giving your texts due attention?

If that's the jist of it then you need to get a grip. If you don't trust him, break up with him. Don't make both of your lives a misery.

Mintlegs · 03/11/2019 04:15

I would let him go with his friends. Back off, and be less full on. Arrange your own things and interests. If he has more fun with them with no arguing he will choose them over you. That does not mean you should it up with unreasonable behaviour though. If there is no trust, walk away x

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 04:29

So you agreed he’d go out and watch a match the next day for a team he doesn’t support. Now that he’s not been in contact at least every 2 hours when he’s out with his friend and text in the correct way, you’ve decided to ban him from watching the match and tell him it’s over or you’re not buying the place. Not sure which.

I think you need to chill. Idk if you’re ready to buy a place together. He’s your partner, not your child. If he was in sex chat rooms, that’s different but still doesn’t excuse your behaviour or expectation he keeps in contact throughout the night.

Your friend, who came over has issues. Those are yours to contend with. If you feel out of your depth with your friend, that is not your partners responsibility. He’s telling you loud and clear he doesn’t care if you call because he’s doing nothing wrong.

It is extremely inconsiderate to expect a partner enjoying themselves to get involved in an issue your friend is having. He’s your partner, not your therapist. He doesn’t need your permission to go out. Of course he needs to be considerate.

Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, I think you are in danger of driving him away. Your attitude sounds controlling.

Mrsmememe · 03/11/2019 04:29

You sound an absolute bunny boiler.

Original poster

pepperminttea7 · 03/11/2019 04:35

Yes chat rooms for sex.

He is on his phone speaking to other people but choosing to ignore me despite knowing the emotional trauma he put me through with his deceit. He said he'd make it up to me. Then I just felt sick and alone and he's promised he will make an effort. The first road block to make an effort he doesn't.

He said he was ina club without signal despite receiving all messages (WhatsApp- so its easy to know) he just said he didn't care to respond. He's then progressively lied. I can't buy a house with him, I can't trust him or rely on him. We already own together but had sold to upsize but I feel like there's too many lies and the remorse is so minimal and fake

OP posts:

Mintlegs · 03/11/2019 04:43

If he was in active sex chat rooms, I would have great difficulty carrying on with the relationship. This is why you are possibly behaving somewhat controlling. If he feels you are smothering/trying to control him, he will back off and you will drive him away. It does not sound like a healthy/happy relationship. Work on your own self esteem. Is he really worth it?

DonKeyshot · 03/11/2019 04:49

What is 'the responsibility of our dog' and what does that have to do with your current situation?

When you say that he's been using 'chat rooms for sex' are you saying that he's been using them to find women to have sex with, or has he been using sex chat lines which come at a cost?

You clearly don't trust him and, assuming that you have good reason not to do so, you're correct in surmising that you can't commit to buying another house with him.

At 25 I would suggest you take what equity you have in the property you've just sold and dump him - regard your discovery as enabling you to dodge a bullet as men like him rarely change their ways and you'll drive yourself mad if you carry on like this.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/11/2019 04:52

"Sex chat rooms"? Do you mean webcam? Pretty sure sex chat rooms haven't really been a thing for at least 10 years.

I think you absolutely need to put the brakes on the house buy.

Perhaps a short course of mediation/relationship counselling might help, but ultimately I think you're probably on different pages, if you're at the point of breaking up because he's not contacted you for 2hrs.

Nanmumandmidwife · 03/11/2019 04:52

TBH I think it is time to end this this relationship & defo do not buy a house together. If you don’t trust him enough to be out of contact for 2 hours you are 100% done.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 04:52

Ok I see it was sex chat rooms. That’s horrible and I imagine it really dented your self esteem.

I think you’ve both gone about the retaining trust in the wrong way and as a result you’ve put yourself in a really awkward position. He’s going to watch the match, you know this. You agreed you were ok with this. It was unfair of you to expect him to do otherwise.

You are right fighting and a lot of what I said still applies. You cannot give him a life sentence for something he did, which was suspicious. And you also cannot buy a house with a man you don’t trust.

He did something wrong. That doesn’t mean he has to be at your beck and call constantly when he’s clearly just out with a mate. If you can’t get over what he did, then yes, call it a day. You’re only 25 and shouldn’t be tied to someone you have a such difficult relationship with.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 03/11/2019 05:19

You’re 25 and can afford a half a million pound house?

Why are you with this man, please explain.

Curtainly · 03/11/2019 05:26

I think you sound like you'd both be better off without eachother. Do you have friends or family who can come around today?

MyOtherProfile · 03/11/2019 05:30

You don't trust him and he's not that interested in you. You're too young to be in a committed relationship that is this difficult. It won't get any easier. Time to move on.

Anotherlongdrive · 03/11/2019 05:34

You need to split.

He absolutely should have been in 'chat rooms'

However, you cant act like this either. He is out. It was prearranged. You think he needs to provide emotional support to you, wholevyou provide it to someone else.

Why would you even want the support of someone who has been drinking all day. You cant expect someone to be in touch constantly.

You need to understand that whilst a partner needs to be supportive, there are times you its just not going to happen. After a days drinking, is going to be one of those times.

If I was out with my friends and dp was acting like you I would finish it. Because it comes across as you making excuses and wanting to punish him.

I am not really sure what the chat room stuff is about. He shouldnt be sexting other women, if that's what it is. But it's not an excuse to have this level of control.

overnightangel · 03/11/2019 05:36

Awaits drip feed ...

Blondebakingmumma · 03/11/2019 05:44

I think you need therapy if you can’t go for two hours without communication from you partner. I don’t blame him for ignoring you

Anotherlongdrive · 03/11/2019 06:03

And advance search shows that it wasnt a chat room.

He got an email from a dating site that he joined before he knew her. The photos are all very old and he showed her it straight away.

Unless in ybe last 3 days she has also found him contact women for sex, he hasnt actually done anything wrong.

That thread shows the level of control and anxiety the ops has.

OP, I mean this kindly, this is not healthy and you need to get some help. For your own sake.

yearinyearout · 03/11/2019 06:10

These are two issues really. If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be together.
If he's out drinking with his mates, it's not up to him to be texting you advice and support for your friend, and you shouldn't be issuing ultimatums.
Doesn't sound like your relationship is very healthy at all.

Groovee · 03/11/2019 06:14

Do you trust him? Because it doesn't sound like you do.

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