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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this is it

48 replies

pepperminttea7 · 03/11/2019 03:40

DP is out with friends and staying out of the house for 24 hours. I have responsibility of our dog and invited friends over.

DP has been out of contact completely. This has been an issue with us after some websites I found made me really rethink my trust in him. He agreed and realised he needed to do as I needed by reassuring etc
However at 10pm tonight he stopped making sense, he was out of contact for 2 hours completely.

I then ended up having a horrific time with a friend who's struggling with mental health. We are both sat here in tears and he's is just acting like I'm a burden over text.

We have just put in to buy a house for £500,000 together. I'm only 25.

Aibu to say either you show me your support or that's it I'm done?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 06:21

Anotherlongdrive
Thanks for the heads up. That thread is only a couple of days old.

In that case, op, my first post applies.

I actually find it disturbing that you are equating his getting an email from a dating site, which he used 6 years ago when you were 19 and not on the scene to his being on sex chat rooms.

You said in your last thread you have access to his financials. So you actually know he isn’t paying for any kind of service be it some kind of sex chat room or otherwise.

You also said you know you have issues with anxiety. You really need therapy otherwise you’re going to drive anyone you meet away. No, don’t buy the house. Work on yourself. You don’t have the emotional stability right now to tie yourself down like this.

TheBadCop · 03/11/2019 06:27

you sound extremely controlling op. why would he have to stay in touch with you when he goes out? just give him some space.

And what has the dog to do with it all??? do you mean he should not go out as he has responsibility for a pet and should look after the dog?

Heismyopendoor · 03/11/2019 06:29

When Me or my DH go out we aren’t contacting each other. We are out. You sound very very needy and controlling.

You also don’t sound happy. I think you need to leave him and get some help for yourself.

BuildBuildings · 03/11/2019 06:29

If my partner was out and I had a difficult experience and needed support I'd be upset (and surprised) if he ignored me. I think if I was really upset he'd come home. However we don't have issues with trust. So we know that when the other says I need you we take it at face value.
I don't think you sound redic as pp's have said.
It sounds like he just wants to do his thing and can't understand why the trust is gone and you need to check in. He doesn't sound like he wants to so the work to overcome the trust issues. So I think you need understand that the future will be very like the present. Can you live with that?

Anotherlongdrive · 03/11/2019 06:30

@Mummyoflittledragon I know it's not the done thing, to AS. But I often think that ops sometimes use wording to make people think they are reasonable. Which I get, we all have our own versions of our lives.

But I think AS is important, sometimes, not to be a bitch. Because I think if posters feed into the ops view that they are the wronged party, or that she is right not to trust him. It doesnt help the OP. Just reinforces their view that they are right, when they arent.

It's not helpful for anyones mental health. OP really needs to get some help and I hope she does.

user1480880826 · 03/11/2019 06:32

You clearly have trust issues either caused by or exacerbated by the chat rooms that you’ve caught him using.

I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect constant contact with your partner while they’re meant to be out having fun. Of course he was getting annoyed with you.

Your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s in a good place and buying a house together sounds like a very bad idea. I would suggest having some time apart before making any major financial commitments together. I’d be very surprised if he’s in a mad rush to buy a £500k house with you to be honest.

Goldenchildsmum · 03/11/2019 06:39

Don't buy the house

If you don't trust him leave him

However when he's out with his mates for a day/evening I don't think he should have to contact you

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/11/2019 06:46

@Mummyoflittledragon
So the OP had a recent thread in here which it states the supposed sex room chats are 6 years old......

In which case OP you sound like a complete bunny boiler......leave the poor bloke alone to enjoy his night out - no wonder he has gone off grid if you haven't given him a minutes peace all evening......your friends issues are not his especially when he's out. You sound very very immature

chamenanged · 03/11/2019 06:51

Struggling to join the dots on the dog and the value of your new house in this story OP!

spanglydangly · 03/11/2019 06:57

He's out, he wants to relax, he's not hot to deal with your friend they're your friend so you deal
With them.

You sound really high maintenance and dreadfully needy!

spanglydangly · 03/11/2019 06:58

*got

spanglydangly · 03/11/2019 07:01

I then ended up having a horrific time with a friend who's struggling with mental health. We are both sat here in tears and he's is just acting like I'm a burden over text.

You're being a burden, why should he have his head in a relationship hone texting you and ignoring his mates?

Responsibility for the dog? Like walking it, feeding it, letting it in the garden, it's hardly difficult!

StealthPolarBear · 03/11/2019 07:07

You're right. Do not buy a house with him. It's time to end it.

UniversalAunt · 03/11/2019 07:11

Barely 25 yo & taking on your first significant financial responsibility of £500,000 with someone you are unsure about.

Sounds a bit full on for my palate.

Irrespective of how he is behaving, it seems to me that you are not entirely comfortable & trusting of him. I suggest you put a hold on taking a huge financial commitment & have a chat with a counsellor to talk this through.

If you forge ahead with some doubts already in place & your relationship bellys up, you could have a significant financial liability on your hands. Just urging a bit of caution.

DianaT1969 · 03/11/2019 07:16

You are lumping everything together. You need to learn to stop doing that for your own sake and future, nothing to do with him.
1 - you invited friends over and one is having a crisis. Deal with that yourself. She's your friend, your guest, nothing to do with your boyfriend and there's no reason he should be 'supporting' you with that drama. The fact that you expect him to drop his night out, or stay glued to his phone to support' you is very controlling and high maintenance.

You don't trust him after the chat room thing. Fair enough, so time to call an end to this relationship? Only you know if you want to do that.
Houses. Don't purchase another house, take your equity and keep it safe until you are ready to buy yourself in the future. Continue to date him if you want to, but no house-buying together.
The next man you date - cut back on texting full stop. Texting for you right now is a way to exert control and for him to prove his compliance/devotion. You shouldn't need him to check in constantly and you shouldn't have to when you are with friends either.
The dog. Not sure what that means? But it's an example of your tendency to lump everything together. Swap the word dog for children and that's your post for 5 years time.

itsgettingweird · 03/11/2019 07:17

As harsh as it sounds you are not happy together and can't trust him.

Do not buy a house together.

Go to ur separate ways and find someone you trust.

But don't expect any partner to constantly be texting you when they are out and to be your 24/7 crutch.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/11/2019 07:18

Struggling to join the dots on the dog and the value of your new house in this story OP!

Must admit, it did read like a Daily Mail article, where they always quote the value of a property.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 07:18

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted
From what op wrote, my understanding it was an online dating email.

@Anotherlongdrive
I know what you’re saying. People do advanced search sometimes and with good reason. This is what you did and I then read for myself. Like you, I didn’t do it so that op gets shat on.

I totally agree with what your reasoning. Op isn’t being honest with herself. Or us. She’s got problems and unless she faces up to them, she’s not going to be happy in her life. She’s only 25 and sometimes people need to be faced with the truth become you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Had you not advance searched the op, this thread would end in a very different direction and I also think that would not be good for ops mental health. I also really don’t think there’s a massive drip feed that he was on sex chat rooms.

I hope op comes back and will take the comments on board.

CornishCreation · 03/11/2019 07:34

You can't stop him being young, they'll come a time when he doesn't go out all the time and will take preference to sitting at home in the warm but for now he's a young man out enjoying himself. You won't change that.
Let him have his youth, enjoy your friends too and as for trusting him, he will or he won't regardless of weather you worry all night but if you choose to forgive you need to forget.
Forgiveness and then constant accusations and suspicion will only drive him away.

Fastandfree · 03/11/2019 07:48

You're being controlling, he just wanted to have fun with his friends. It's my pet hate on a night out seeing people engrossed in their phones. Sounds like itd be better for him not to buy a house with you, you're both young

DistanceCall · 03/11/2019 08:44

This is not working, OP. You sound very clingy, and he sounds like he really doesn't want to be in this relationship.

End it. This isn't going to end well, and I think you know it already.

cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 08:48

I then ended up having a horrific time with a friend who's struggling with mental health

what do you mean? It was just an evening - you were not yourself in a an ongoing difficult situation but your friend had a crisis. what could your DP have possibly done about it whilst being out?

Please, let him go. And get help before you enter another relationship. otherwise this will only repeat itself.

DianaT1969 · 03/11/2019 21:19

OP isn't coming back. Perhaps the dog will check in though.

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