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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opposites do not attract

51 replies

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 21:17

I don't think they do.
Aibu?
I met DH when I was barely 16, it was the perfect romance but within a few months I was pregnant.. My fault I know.
I do not, and neither does he, believe we would of stayed together if not for the pregnancy.
We both love each other now but then, on reflection we where still kids.
It's been 13 years now. He has suffered terribly with his mental health. Many suicide attempts and a hospitalisation.
I am approaching 30 years old now and feel as though we have almost completely grown apart, which I don't think he can fully see.
He does not like doing anything at all with me that involves seeing other people. Which means the only activities we have as a family are nature walks or fishing.. Which is hardly appealing to DD, a preteen girly girl and her little sister.
I empathise with his depression but it is hard. I left home at 16 to be with him, I have had no life except worrying about him and how the dynamics at home will be depending on his mood.
I am not perfect in any way but in the past he has literally punched holes in walls and doors, slept with my friend, masturbated to pics of another friend (years ago). He sometimes gets fed up with me talking and says.. Is this relevant? He wants to know immediately if something is wrong with me but when he is in a mood, which is 80% of our lives, he says he does not want to talk.
He admits he gets annoyed at me for no reason at all, he can't help it.
He is so lovely to other people when he sees them.. I'm supposed to take it as a compliment that he only shows who he really is to me but it is tiring.
I do love him but I don't believe opposites attract as I would love someone to just give me a cuddle right now and tell me that everything is okay but DH will say 'you need to stop caring about other people' and not help in how I feel at all, my mind does not work like that.
I just want some proper human contact.. He doesn't like me going out because he is paranoid so I have stopped. I have work colleagues, but I never share anything personal with them.
I just feel lost.

OP posts:

Goawayquickly · 02/11/2019 21:44

He sounds vile. Truly, he’s moody, been violent (punching walls is violent) he’s boring, you pussyfoot around his moods and god knows what the kids must think. He’s a terrible father, nothing you’ve written could persuade me otherwise.

You’re a young woman, leave him and go live your life and show your children this isn’t how life and relationships should be.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 02/11/2019 22:01

Agree with the above poster. He sounds vile. Mental health problems are not an excuse to be violent to you, cheat on you, disrespect you.
Leave. You are young still. Don’t waste anymore of your life on him.

CantstopsayingFFS · 02/11/2019 22:01

Don't let his mental illness cloud your judgement of him and your relationship. He's destructive and you need to get out of this relationship or get some serious counselling. You are not right for each other. Not so much because you're opposites but because he has no respect for you. He's been unfaithful and he doesn't trust YOU? You are still young and deserve a better life for you and your kids. He sounds horrible OP he really does. There are many people that are suffering depression but that's no excuse to be an arsehole. You care for him because you've been with him for so long and he's the father of your children but you can't spend your life bowing to his needs when he has absolutely no regard for you. Please seek help and find a way to get out of this relationship. You have more power than you think you do. It will be hard now but worth it in the end. Don't feel guilty.

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 22:03

Thank you for your reply x
My daughter is the reason I have actually posted tonight, I always thought I kept things away from the kids all of the time... However, dh who has been clearly depressed lately, put on his coat earlier and I asked him where he was going and be replied 'out' I then asked him where are you going and he replied 'outiside' and shut the door.. That is when DD said 'mum, dad's been very rude to you today'.
Honestly my heart sank, to me, he wasn't rude, he was much nicer than his worse moods and DD said that.
I don't feel like he has been 'bad' to me at all lately so I think it would be hard to leave him and naively I hope he will come around x

OP posts:

NightsOfCabiria · 02/11/2019 22:07

Please try to get away from him OP.

This is nothing to do with opposites attracting or not (of course they can in the short term but you’re much more likely to find long term happiness with someone similar).

He adds nothing to your life. He detracts from it, making it darker, more stressful and isolating for you and your daughters.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/11/2019 22:09

People who treat you badly don't 'come around'. They know what you'll tolerate and continue to treat you poorly, safe in the knowledge you'll accept it.

You don't have to spend your time with someone who doesn't love and cherish you, not even for your DD's sake. Set the bar higher for yourself and for her; show her that relationships are considerate, kind and loving. Show her that you don't even need to be in a relationship; that you value yourself so highly that you'll go it alone rather than be spoken to like this.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/11/2019 22:10

Opposites could compliment each other.
Not in your situation, you can't save him.
Leave if it is possible OP.

NightsOfCabiria · 02/11/2019 22:14

Please dont let your daughters grow up witnessing him as a model for a partner/relationship.

Do you have family/friends? If not, speak to women's Aid and make yourself aware of your options.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 22:24

Thanks again for your replies

My DD's are such good kids, I know a lot of mums say that but honestly they are angels.
DH said to me this morning he was worried that eldest DD would be one of 'those girls' because of how she posed for a pic with me for Halloween .. She is a preteen and didn't want scary, she dressed as the Cheshire cat. Hardly proactive. I did her makeup and she looked cute..
My kids must know somewhat of his behaviour, because as soon as he leaves the house they ask me for time on YouTube etc as dh has restricted them to a short time daily so they want it so much more.

OP posts:

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 22:26

Provocative I meant to say there 🙈

OP posts:

Whatsnewpussyhat · 02/11/2019 22:30

Is there a reason why you don't leave him? You are allowed to you know.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 22:33

He is emotionally abusive and controlling. He may have a personality disorder or something. He's also rude and unfaithful.

This is no life for you and your DCs- they sense the atmosphere. Please consider leaving.

Silencedwitness · 02/11/2019 22:37

You know you don’t have to stay. Having depression doesn’t mean you can be an arsehole. He sounds controlling and quite honestly nasty. You and your dds deserve much better. One thing to think about is if you stay with their dad how it could possibly influence their relationships. You’re worth so much more.

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 22:39

@whatsnewpussyhat
I suppose I want him to wake up tomorrow and say.. Hey let's go out for a trip..
Or.. Good morning I love you..
Or I want to wake up and for him to be in a good mood, which he really is sometimes and I get so happy about it. It is short lived though, the cats meaowing can make him rage again almost instantly.
He has threatened suicide in the past when I have wanted to leave and now he says he will sleep in a tent.. Neither of which I want to feel responsible for.

OP posts:

Tunnocks34 · 02/11/2019 22:44

Let him sleep in his tent.

I think your post is less about living with someone whose your opposite, and more about living with someone whose an abusive arsehole.

I appreciate it’s hard to leave when he has been your life since you were so young, but you deserve better and so do your children.

k1233 · 02/11/2019 22:52

Punching holes in walls would have done it for me. He isn't a three year old incapable of controlling his emotions and behaviour.

You're so young. Do you want the next 50 years of your life to be like this? He won't change.

Deadringer · 02/11/2019 22:54

Opposites attract, likeness endures. But that's not the issue here. He is a horrible man and you deserve better. Please find a way to separate from him, for the sake of your girls as much as for you.

Goawayquickly · 02/11/2019 22:56

You can't give up your life and your kids lives to him. Hes an adult who makes his own decisions and is wrecking yours and your children's lives. He is not your responsibility, he won't change.

He will damage your children, that is certain.

Ionlymakegirls · 02/11/2019 22:56

This is domestic abuse. Plain and simple, and he has conditioned you to think his MH is to blame.

Please get out of this 'relationship' and know you are worth so much more. Contact friends family or womens aid for support.

One day it won't be the door he punches.......

FaithInfinity · 02/11/2019 23:04

I would highly recommend doing the Freedom Programme. It will open your eyes to how he is manipulating you. You say you’d feel guilty if he moved into a tent? Why? It’s his choice! Presumably he does have alternatives.

Think of it this way...your DD said he had been very rude to you tonight. You thought that it wasn’t too bad compared to how bad he can be. How low is your yardstick if that’s the case? Don’t you deserve better than this for the rest of your life? Imagine life at home without him there. How do you feel? Happy? Relaxed? Is it like that when he is home?

Hohofortherobbers · 02/11/2019 23:08

I have never said this before. LTB. This is not living. You have been in this relationship since you were a child, you don't realise how better life can be. Please LTB

Buyitinbamboo · 02/11/2019 23:23

OP this isn't about you being opposites. It's about him being a violent, cheating prick. PP is right, one day it won't be the wall he punches. You need to leave.

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 23:27

Thank you again, I will look into the freedom programme.

Being only in my twenties I have had this wild dream where dh will scoop me up on the dance floor and carry me home..
He is like 80 in the head now he won't even ask me if I'm okay or do I need a lift anywhere...

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 02/11/2019 23:31

I'm sorry but your relationship seems finished. Run its course.

morporkia · 02/11/2019 23:35

Oh PS I really do feel for you. Please try to get some perspective on your life. Your DH is emotionally abusing you and your DDs are witnessing this. How long is it going to be before he starts the same emotional blackmailing shit on them. He may be suicidal, or he may be using the threat of it as a control mechanism. Either way it’s not a healthy environment for you or the girls.
Please read this and really think hard about his behaviour and if anything resonates with you.
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

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