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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opposites do not attract

51 replies

PSILoveWine · 02/11/2019 21:17

I don't think they do.
Aibu?
I met DH when I was barely 16, it was the perfect romance but within a few months I was pregnant.. My fault I know.
I do not, and neither does he, believe we would of stayed together if not for the pregnancy.
We both love each other now but then, on reflection we where still kids.
It's been 13 years now. He has suffered terribly with his mental health. Many suicide attempts and a hospitalisation.
I am approaching 30 years old now and feel as though we have almost completely grown apart, which I don't think he can fully see.
He does not like doing anything at all with me that involves seeing other people. Which means the only activities we have as a family are nature walks or fishing.. Which is hardly appealing to DD, a preteen girly girl and her little sister.
I empathise with his depression but it is hard. I left home at 16 to be with him, I have had no life except worrying about him and how the dynamics at home will be depending on his mood.
I am not perfect in any way but in the past he has literally punched holes in walls and doors, slept with my friend, masturbated to pics of another friend (years ago). He sometimes gets fed up with me talking and says.. Is this relevant? He wants to know immediately if something is wrong with me but when he is in a mood, which is 80% of our lives, he says he does not want to talk.
He admits he gets annoyed at me for no reason at all, he can't help it.
He is so lovely to other people when he sees them.. I'm supposed to take it as a compliment that he only shows who he really is to me but it is tiring.
I do love him but I don't believe opposites attract as I would love someone to just give me a cuddle right now and tell me that everything is okay but DH will say 'you need to stop caring about other people' and not help in how I feel at all, my mind does not work like that.
I just want some proper human contact.. He doesn't like me going out because he is paranoid so I have stopped. I have work colleagues, but I never share anything personal with them.
I just feel lost.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 23:36

What on earth does 'you hope he'll come around' mean? It doesn't sound like he has a nice personality to return to. Do you mean you hope he'll wake up one day, having had a total personality transplant?

PixieDustt · 02/11/2019 23:48

Leave OP. He's a vile man.

He's paranoid?! CF knows what he has done/doing and worried you might do the same?
So he's done wrong yet he controls you to stay in and have no contact because that benefits him?

He's actually disgusting.

flirtygirl · 03/11/2019 00:02

Opposites do attract but that has nothing to do with your marriage.

Your husband sounds abusive and it sounds like it will escalate.

Please contact women's aid op and look into the freedom programme.
Read the book, "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Queenest · 03/11/2019 00:10

It may be normal to you but honestly it isn’t normal behaviour and you deserve better. As a pp said please do consider leaving him OP. Your daughters will thank you. And you will have a new life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2019 00:10

Just curiosity, how old was he when you met?

blueshoes · 03/11/2019 00:11

Your thread title should be 'abusive men are not attractive".

You and your dds deserve so much better. What does he bring to the table? I suspect you will all be better off without him. It will be like throwing off a dead weight.

You are so young. Please don't waste another minute with him.

Leave him to his threats. That is his choice, not your responsibility.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/11/2019 00:14

Tbh @PSILoveWine your DP sounds as though he has a personality disorder ( i am a mental health professional) .

I dont think things will get any easier for you with him - you are 30 and could well have another 40 years left with him.

Please think about whether this is what you want

lexiepuppy · 03/11/2019 00:22

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

This man is a personality disordered abuser.

You need to get your girls and yourself away from him.

Look at your background are you from an abusive past?

Break the pattern so your girls don't think that this is normal.

Set some boundaries, do not try to fix him.

Love your girls and yourself more.

Fiveletters · 03/11/2019 00:26

If you can, take your girls, start afresh and show them that they deserve more.

I know that in reality this is much harder than me writing it down. Would you be happy if this was the life your DDs ended up in?

LemonPrism · 03/11/2019 00:42

I think similar people with opposite interests attract.

DP and I have the same values and communication style but completely different talents, interests, upbringing etc

IdblowJonSnow · 03/11/2019 00:48

He is abusive and I'm afraid his depression is by the by.
If you wanted to subject yourself to this fair enough, but ffs, it just isn't on for your kids to be around this twat.
Please let him go. He wont kill himself, that's a ploy to keep you in your place.
Sorry to be blunt, I don't want to be mean but its heartbreaking to think of young girls growing up with this.

nicenewdusters · 03/11/2019 01:09

This is the "script" that your daughters will be incorporating into their lives. It's hugely damaging and will affect every aspect of their future

"He is so lovely to other people when he sees them." It's not a compliment that he only shows you who he really is - that's a lie. Yes, it's one thing to be relaxed and open with those we love. But being abusive is not the same thing. For those we truly love and respect we show our best side, make the most effort, and want the best for them.

You are allowed to leave him for whatever reason you see fit. Whether you've grown apart, want different things from life, want a healthier and happier upbringing for your children - they're all totally understandable. He's not going to wake up a different person. He's already told you that he shows only you who he really is; unsociable, jealous, paranoid, selfish, violent, unfaithful, rude, unreasonable, moody, uncommunicative.

That list is just extracted from your OP. He's probably many other things as well.

You can't rescue him, only yourself and your DDs.

nicenewdusters · 03/11/2019 01:13

And as JonSnow wrote, he won't kill himself. And if he did harm himself, he's an autonomous adult. His life is his to do as he wishes.

Just as your life is.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/11/2019 01:37

My work brings me into contact with many women who are abused. You are definitely abused. Your situation is amongst the worst I have read about.

Please be really clear that you are being abused and that you have to leave.

Don’t feel sorry for for partner. Just leave. As soon as you can. And however you can.

museumsandgalleries666 · 03/11/2019 02:42

You and your husband are not compatible.

You are not responsible for your husbands MH or behavior.

You are responsible for your children's well-being.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

As another poster said, your relationship has run it's course.

If you stay together you will both be unhappy forever and your children will suffer.

He won't change while you're together, he might never change.

Why do you want to live like this?

Sadiesnakes · 03/11/2019 03:19

30 is so so young, please leave. Don't waste anymore time with him op. This is an unhappy abusive relationship and you can do so much better.

Poolbridge · 03/11/2019 04:13

I entirely agree with @FudgeBrownie2019.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and it would be in your and your DCs best interest to leave.

Lundy Bancroft has a really insightful book on emotional abuse - ‘why does he do that?’. You would do well to get a copy to support your understanding of emotional abuse and find the courage and determination to leave without looking back.

Deepblueriver · 03/11/2019 04:35

I have recently left a similar relationship. I know how hard it it’s. Like you we had been together since we were very young. He has mental health problems and made frequent suicide threats. I begged him multiple time to get help for his mental health. I went to the GP to talk to her about how to deal with his suicdal behaviour she referred me to Women’s Aid. She also told me that the next time he threatened to kill him self I needed to dial 999 and that if he wouldn’t get into the Ambulance the Police would remove him from the house because he was a threat to me and my baby.

I did leave him (after a whole bucket of other shit) and low he is still very much alive and a massive pain in the arse. He is still trying to abuse and manipulate me but now I see it.

Some other kind Mumsnetters suggested that I read a book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft this explains the psychology of controlling men and outlines the types of abusesers. My ex was “the victim”. He was always wronged and everything was about his emotional needs his mental illness and that he turned on the tears to bully people. There is nothing more frightening than someone repeatedly threatening to kill them self. Of course you are going to do what ever they want to stop that. That is why they do that because it works every time.
You can read the book here.
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Mirroredbox · 03/11/2019 07:12

You are allowed friends
You are allowed to have something to look forward to or feel excited about
You have the right to feel safe and happy in your own home
You sound lost and lonely and in need of support that you are not getting from your husband. In fact, he’s made you responsible for his mental health, hasn’t he? He’s like a big child.

I would suggest that you think about getting away. Emotional abuse whether deliberate or accidental is very damaging. The red flags are there - you are isolated from friends and family, walking on eggshells and scared. I am sure your DD’s are picking up on it. Can you talk to a friend about it?

happycamper11 · 03/11/2019 09:11

This is not opposites, do and I are a case of opposites attracting ie I hate cooking and he loves it, he likes everything spotless and I'm more untidy, he's quite set in his ways and I'm more live for the moment but these things compliment each other quite nicely, I make more of an effort to be organised and he's learned to relax a bit!

This just sounds like a bitter and abusive man who takes you for granted and of course your dc will notice. It doesn't sound like he's going to wake up one day and be a lovely person. Sorry OP

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/11/2019 09:18

You need to take your daughters and show them shat a fun, normal, happy home life is like without him. You are NOT responsible for him, you can't change him either.,,

HouseworkAvoider10 · 03/11/2019 09:25

Sounds like you'll hang in there with him, for the long haul. At least for another few decades.

I feel sorry for you and your kids, staying saddled to an abusive dickhead.

MontanaSky · 03/11/2019 09:50

It's hard to see the wood for the trees when your trying to make sense of your situation and I imagine that reading the responses is tough going.

I believe that deep down you know this isn't a healthy environment to live in and raise your children and right now it's scary to think of the next steps to take.

Look at how you are having to live, he can go out, do whatever he wants, release his emotions on the family and not only are you expected to deal with it you aren't allowed to do any of those yourself and if you make any hints of unrest he threatens suicide.

This is a script that abusive people follow. Maybe he knows this maybe he doesn't but what you could do is leave and see how you feel once you're not living under a cloud of doom.

I grew up in an abusive household and I was your daughter. It does have an effect.

BobTheDuvet · 03/11/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PositiveVibez · 03/11/2019 15:35

Oh gosh OP. You need to leave this abusive creature.

Your poor girls. You don't think they notice, but they will have altered their behaviour so as not to upset him and they will have modelled themselves on you.

He is a twat. Please show your daughter's that you don't have to be in a relationship with men who treat you like shit.

If your daughter was married to a man like her dad (which happens a lot), would you 'hope he'd come round', or would to be telling her to leave him ASAP?

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