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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can never send a email too early

66 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/11/2019 21:05

In January, I emailed DH to tell him to take a day's annual leave as DD's school will be closed one day this autumn. I work in a school so can't take leave during term time.

Turns out DH hasn't booked it off, and can't as he has important meetngs that day . His new annual leave year doesn't start until the end of the summer, so he said I emailed him too early!

He should have just admitted it's an oversight, right? He has booked off similar in previous years, no problem. And we spoke about this date in another context but he doesn't recall it.

I've sorted alternative childcare but grrrrr, surely it's not up to me to send emails at a time convenient to him!

OP posts:

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 21:59

he should have been the one to sort alternative care
I’m sorry you carry the whole mental load

lanthanum · 02/11/2019 21:59

If he couldn't work out a way to remind himself, he could perhaps have replied to your original email saying "please remind me in September". Perhaps next time you ask him to do something, it would be safest to say "please let me know if I need to remind you at a later date". Possibly also "please confirm once you've done this". Shouldn't be necessary, but safer than assuming...

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 22:00

@KeepYourCup why wouldn’t you email your husband?
Isn’t that something we all do?

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 22:01

If he couldn't work out a way to remind himself, he could perhaps have replied to your original email saying "please remind me in September".

But whyyyyy?!

Why is it on her?

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2019 22:01

You emailed early January.

You're married right?
Live in same house right?

So surely could have sat down at AL booking time and had a conversation about it?

I'm a LP and wouldn't even have known and sorted out inset days that far in advance! (With myself )

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2019 22:05

Do people seriously email spouses and partners.

Such an alien world to me!

Awaywiththepiskies · 02/11/2019 22:06

Is your DH a grown up? Is he capable of using a diary or a calendar? Are the children his children?

He is a twat.

I'm just clearing work emails and putting stuff for next October in my diary ... it's not exactly rocket science.

Original poster

PotteryLottery · 02/11/2019 22:13

If he didn't action an email, do you really think he would action it from a conversation???

DH has always turned up for family holidays so he has managed to put flights in his diary.

Yes, I like the phrase "mental load"...I've had this at work too when I've been asked to email a teacher on a particular morning. Er, no, I've made time to come see you so pop it in your diary now, mate.

OP posts:

BrendasUmbrella · 02/11/2019 22:13

You emailed him in January about something he couldn't book until the end of summer?

Yes, because that's when it came up. What was she supposed to do, research into how his work leave is structured and set up reminders for herself to tell him at that time? Is she his PA as well as his wife?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 02/11/2019 22:14

The problem isn't that he couldn't book the day off in January, the problem is he didn't block the time out of his work calendar so that no meetings would be scheduled, stopping him from being able to book the day off when holiday booking opened.

It would be interesting to know when these meetings went in to the diary, was it before or after the holiday booking window opened?

I work in a school as well, and so my DH does rely on me saying when the DCs school holidays don't match my holidays. But then if he can't do it, we discuss together childcare options. But if we'd agree he was covering a day, I'd expect him to sort everything from the moment he'd agreed to cover that day, including saying he was unavailable for meetings/appointments on that date.

rainbowconfetti · 02/11/2019 22:20

If he didn't action an email, do you really think he would action it from a conversation???

Well yes, I do.

I am the most unorganised person going though. I would have read the email and given it no further thought tbh. However at the time the leave was bookable if DH said 'can you book X day off?' I would be more likely to remember.

rainbowconfetti · 02/11/2019 22:21

Must say though, it's interesting to know what people would say about me

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2019 22:21

I'm sure he did turn up for holidays.

You live in the same house right? Boom holidays together right - by talking? Notice that suitcases are being packed?

I don't disagree he should have done something but I'm actually totally open mouthed that people email those they live with about dates 10/11 months in advance and don't talk. Sit down together and go through a month or whatever.

I just can't imagine emailing someone I live with!

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 22:25

I just can't imagine emailing someone I live with!

Good for you?

Sometimes I email my husbands work email (only accessible at work) To book things, but that’s as far as I’ll own the mental load

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 02/11/2019 22:34

I email DH all the time about stuff like this. If I was checking and noticed this when he was at home, I'd speak to him about it, but he'd definately ask me to write down which date I was talking about, usually an email to his work account is the easiest, so he can flag it up to remind him to action it. He'd remember there was a date to be covered, the exact date needed would probably require me to write it down somewhere. (email, text message, a bit of paper would get lost in his work bag)

@rainbowconfetti - would you genuinely remember which date it was from a conversation in January and not need to refer back to check you had the right random date when it came to book in the summer? If it was say "Monday 11th November" if back in April someone was booking in meetings and suggested the 2nd Monday of the month for a recurring meeting, without blocking that out of your diary, would you remember the conversation in January to book that day and remember not accept the meeting?

If so, that's really unsual to be able to work with verbal information like that and I'm really impressed!!! (I have met a few people who are able to hold detailed information given to them verbally in their heads without feeling the need to make notes, it's always impressive, but not how most people's minds work.)

rainbowconfetti · 02/11/2019 22:44

would you genuinely remember which date it was from a conversation in January and not need to refer back to check you had the right random date when it came to book in the summer?

No of course I wouldn't. I said it would have been memorable if the conversation took place at the time the leave was bookable.

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 22:49

no of course I wouldn't. I said it would have been memorable if the conversation took place at the time the leave was bookable.

So OP should have sent reminders to herself to remind her husband? That seems tedious and too many steps

Yoohoo16 · 02/11/2019 22:54

Yanbu.

If I have to remember something way in advance I set a reminder on my phone calendar.

rainbowconfetti · 02/11/2019 22:56

So OP should have sent reminders to herself to remind her husband? That seems tedious and too many steps

Whatever. Just saying people should talk. If you don't agree you don't agree. It won't change my opinion.

cdtaylornats · 02/11/2019 22:56

It would have been as easy for the OP to put a reminder in her calendar to tell her DH to book holiday

CharityConundrum · 02/11/2019 22:57

I don't understand all the incredulity about emailing her husband? I'm guessing she emailed him at work since the arrangements he needed to make were with his workplace. And that gave him the chance to set a reminder/write it in his diary/stick a post-it to his monitor or whatever system he uses to not fuck up constantly and expect his colleagues to take responsibility for ensuring that he doesn't miss things so what would a conversation have achieved except for being even easier to forget.

gamerwidow · 02/11/2019 22:59

Why do you have responsibility for ensuring he takes leave at the right time. You told him in January he needed to take leave because his DD needed him at home. Why the fuck would you need to mention it again? Did you suddenly get sole parental responsibility?

ZenNudist · 02/11/2019 23:02

You are right. He is a dick for trying to excuse his fuck up rather than just apologising.

I email dh all the time and he emails me. Our work calandars are separate from our home one. If we want to make sure something fits in with work we email. It's easy. We also talk and have a shared family calendar on the wall. I dont operate a Google calendar for the whole family.

School told you BOTH in January. You also kindly made sure he had opportunity to book it with work by emailing him. Im surprised they didn't tell you again in September. Our school send text reminders to parents.

Cant believe it was on you to sort out childcare late notice.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/11/2019 23:03

Yeah you should have detailed him then printed out the email for him then sent him a reminder when his new AL started and then emailed him again to book a holiday and then checked with him that he'd done it and then reminded him about it a few weeks before.

Two things jump out at me

You had to take any responsibility in the first place. Her holidays will be on the school website. Why is it up to you ti check and ask him

When he fucked up, instead of apologising he a.blamed you and b.got you to sort out his mistake he sounds like a twat

isabellerossignol · 02/11/2019 23:04

Does that mean he can’t request to take holiday in Sept until August? Seems unlikely. The leave might not be available until then, but you much be able to book, or no one would be able to book a holiday towards the end of the year, in case their leave was refused.

I used to work somewhere that was exactly like that and it was a nightmare. Our leave year was the calendar year and every year there would be a row because at least one person would want to go on holidays over New year and would be told they couldn't because you can't book leave for next year. You couldn't book a summer holiday early to get a discount either. It was awful.

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