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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I horrible because I must be

37 replies

Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 19:29

Hi everyone

I’ve been reading MN for a while but I’m joining to get some advice. I lost my mum when I was a teenager and my dad left when I was a baby. Mum left me and my older brother and sister they were both at uni and I had just finished year 11. They weren’t very nice my brother used to hit me mainly because I still lived at home alone and they wanted the house sold. They forced me to sign to agree to sell the house even though it was stipulated that the house not to be sold until the youngest was 18. My sister and I maintained some kind of relationship even though she turned a blind eye to the beatings and in her own words “didn’t want to clean up mums mess”. I ended up in dodgy bedsits with guys trying to scare me by banging on the door at all hours.

I met a man who was kind to me and much older and we were married for over 10 years and during this time I supported my sister as she was lonely living on her own and was unlucky in love. I guess I thought she was sorry for the past and I was eager to forgive and move on. I even started seeing my brother again and when he because father I felt he had become softer and I wanted a family.

When my husband left me for OW I was broken, he was all I knew and I found it hard to cope we had no children as he had a medical problem that wasn’t his fault. By this time my sister was seeing a guy and I didn’t see her as much. I’m ashamed to say that that first Christmas alone (I didn’t tell anyone that I was alone) I wanted to take my own life and I called my sister just because I needed help. She told me she couldn’t talk as she was watching a film. It was then that I cut her out of my life.

My brother started to be nicer and I spent time with him and his wife and two nieces. Until 2 years ago when his daughter accused me of taking some change that was hers. I didn’t of course and he disowned me accusing me of stealing. He didn’t trust me and I’ve never given him reason not to. I let him in again and he hurt me. In the past couple of years I’ve tried to message him and tell him that I would never do anything like that but he just doesn’t want to know. He found out about me wanting to hurt myself and says I’m weak and mum would be ashamed.

My sister in law has been touch saying I should get back with my sister even though my sister has been mean to my sil for years.

Please tell me that’s it’s ok not to see her.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 02/11/2019 19:31

You don't owe any of these people a part of your life.

Booboooo · 02/11/2019 19:33

Sounds like you've had a tough life
What actually is your AIBU?

Original poster
Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 19:34

My AIBU is, is it ok not to want them in my life x

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 02/11/2019 19:36

Op you never have to have anyone in your life just because you are related to them. I haven't seen my dm or df for years.
Much better off for it.
Sorry for your rubbish family.

OrangeSwoosh · 02/11/2019 19:37

You've had a tough time. Far more so than a lot of people will ever experience in their lives. You need to be kind to yourself. You are totally in control of who you do and don't allow into your life. Who do you have in terms of support nearby? Any friends?

You certainly aren't horrible. You're a victim of circumstance and should seek some professional support if you haven't already. Your GP would be a good place to start

LL83 · 02/11/2019 19:37

Yanbu. You dont owe any of them anything, do what is best for you. Flowers

OverUnderSidewaysDown · 02/11/2019 19:38

Definitely ok to go no contact with them. It sounds like they just damage you.
You sound strong, and you can forge your own life’s path without these unpleasant people. Good luck.

Booboooo · 02/11/2019 19:39

Yes get rid of them. Do you still see your nieces? Have you got good friends and colleagues?

Hecateh · 02/11/2019 19:40

Why the fuck should you want them in your life.

Life is hard without anyone though. Do you have good friends? A job/career with good colleagues?

What do YOU want from your life?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/11/2019 19:41

I'm sorry you got such a horrible family OP.

Everything you've said about them seems horrible, most people wouldn't ignore a man in the street that wanted to end their life or tell them that someone else would be ashamed of them, let alone their own sibling.

Original poster
Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 19:42

Thanks everyone you are all very kind. I met a lovely man last year and we are close, his family are nice too. My friends are nice but it’s been hard to explain to him why I have no family x

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 02/11/2019 19:42

Of course it is ok. This is your life, you can be close to whoever you want and shut out others.

Don't let them make you feel guilty. The best thing about being an adult is you get to choose your friends and your way of life. What anyone else thinks doesn't matter at all.

You sound resilient & lovely. Don't let them spoil that x

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/11/2019 19:45

I’m more concerned at the fact that you were forced to sign the house over.
For a start is it not illegal to go against a will. Also if the house was sold where did YOUR proceeds go.

Oh and you owe these people nothing.
Keep them out of your life. They add nothing to it aside from despair

Original poster
Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 19:48

It was nearly 20 years ago when the house was sold I used my share to finish my A levels and used the money for rent x

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/11/2019 19:53

Oh well as long as you didn’t miss out on your fair share

meyouandlulutoo · 02/11/2019 19:54

YANBU to not want your sister or your brother in your life. As the youngest they should have had your back, instead your brother abused you and your sister turned a blind eye because she didnt want to know, nothing to do with 'cleaning up your mum's mess' she was too wrapped up in her own life and had no compassion for you. They are a despicable pair, cut them out of your life.

Original poster
Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 19:57

Thanks everyone at least I don’t think I’m being unfair. Families aren’t supposed to hurt each other x

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 02/11/2019 19:58

It sounds like you've had a very hard life - I'm sorry Flowers.
Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to be close or even in contact. When my Mum died I lost her side of the family, they just didn't want to know anymore. I'm pleased you've met a lovely man. I hope you can find some peace and happiness and I wish you well

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 02/11/2019 20:00

You owe them nothing.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 02/11/2019 20:02

It's 20 years later and you're wondering this now?? Didn't it come up at all in the past 2 decades? What has suddenly changed that would make you question who you relate to? The whole thing can be summed up pretty concisely to anyone asking with, "my family aren't around, I don't want to talk about it."
Job done.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/11/2019 20:02

You don’t need them in your life. Few families are perfect but there is no need to stick with them. Sadly it happens in lots of families. Move on from them and be happy. You owe them nothing.

Twillow · 02/11/2019 20:03

You don't have to have them in your life. It's YOUR life. It doesn't sound as if the gain of family is worth the potential pain. Please see a counsellor if you haven't already to help you find some peace, you are NOT horrible, you have been a victim and it has affected your self-esteem quite understandably.

Original poster
Idonthaveaname35 · 02/11/2019 20:03

Thanks everyone for your lovely words x
My brother and sister are full brother and sister whilst I’m a child of her second marriage and maybe they just don’t see me as family. I guess I use that to make it feel like it was nothing personal x

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 02/11/2019 20:05

Lots of people have rubbish families, and there's nothing wrong with leaving them behind and never speaking to them again. Good luck with your new man.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 20:13

So sorry you had such a childhood. :( You have a perfect right to be free of these people. Please try not to put yourself in a position to be hurt by them again.

Glad you've met someone nice and you have some good friends. Hugs xxxx