Am I horrible because I must be

[Idonthaveaname35]

Hi everyone

I’ve been reading MN for a while but I’m joining to get some advice. I lost my mum when I was a teenager and my dad left when I was a baby. Mum left me and my older brother and sister they were both at uni and I had just finished year 11. They weren’t very nice my brother used to hit me mainly because I still lived at home alone and they wanted the house sold. They forced me to sign to agree to sell the house even though it was stipulated that the house not to be sold until the youngest was 18. My sister and I maintained some kind of relationship even though she turned a blind eye to the beatings and in her own words “didn’t want to clean up mums mess”. I ended up in dodgy bedsits with guys trying to scare me by banging on the door at all hours.

I met a man who was kind to me and much older and we were married for over 10 years and during this time I supported my sister as she was lonely living on her own and was unlucky in love. I guess I thought she was sorry for the past and I was eager to forgive and move on. I even started seeing my brother again and when he because father I felt he had become softer and I wanted a family.

When my husband left me for OW I was broken, he was all I knew and I found it hard to cope we had no children as he had a medical problem that wasn’t his fault. By this time my sister was seeing a guy and I didn’t see her as much. I’m ashamed to say that that first Christmas alone (I didn’t tell anyone that I was alone) I wanted to take my own life and I called my sister just because I needed help. She told me she couldn’t talk as she was watching a film. It was then that I cut her out of my life.

My brother started to be nicer and I spent time with him and his wife and two nieces. Until 2 years ago when his daughter accused me of taking some change that was hers. I didn’t of course and he disowned me accusing me of stealing. He didn’t trust me and I’ve never given him reason not to. I let him in again and he hurt me. In the past couple of years I’ve tried to message him and tell him that I would never do anything like that but he just doesn’t want to know. He found out about me wanting to hurt myself and says I’m weak and mum would be ashamed.

My sister in law has been touch saying I should get back with my sister even though my sister has been mean to my sil for years.

Please tell me that’s it’s ok not to see her.

Put them behind you and concentrate on making your life what you want it to be. Relations who do not have compassion or goodwill towards you aren’t worth the emotional space they take up.

Oof. I so relate to this! My older siblings were also hideous after our parents died and forced me out of the house and I was homeless for a bit! They didn't hit me though, but they were vile in other ways.

Of course you need to protect yourself first.

Just one thing I found though. It's hard to explain, and it's probably not the same for everyone. But I found that they were less in my head, so to speak, if I had a distant but civil relationship with them. Like, if I caught up for coffee or spoke on the phone every couple of months. And then, during those convos was light and polite like with someone I didn't know all that well.

Like, that helped me not obsess about family stuff in my own mind. Also it smoothed over a lot of relationships with extended family and family friends who WANT to hear that it's all fine and we're getting along and who will otherwise take sides and say bad things.

You can't really escape your family, I found. And not talking at all sort of sits there, intense, like an unsolved problem. So I recommend the distant, civil, at arms length approach.

You sound like a lovely person OP and no you definitely don’t have to have them in your life. You’ve already given them many more chances than a lot of people would.

So glad you’ve got a new man and good friends. Have a lovely Christmas and be kind to you!

You need to go NC with the lot of them and just concentrate on the positive relationships you have in your life. Your brother and sister don't deserve a second thought. Also theres no shame in having either no family or no contact with existing members.

They're horrible people, not you and no you don't owe them anything at all. Any little thing. Live your life, love yourself, be kind to yourself and those who show you kindness and love. It makes me sad that you've felt the need to ask this.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

You don't need to maintain contact with toxic people. I wonder if the combination of therapy and/or exploring the Freedom Programme course about healthy/unhealthy relationships would help you navigate this and feel more confident about your judgement on being no contact?

You shine like a beacon when all around you is darkness, leave that darkness behind and surround yourself with nice caring people. YANBU to put some distance between them and any new family you may procure. And if anyone asks about your family, just say you dont get on.
If and when you have childre of your own, tell DC they have uncles etc, and when they reach 18 they can find them if they like. Have a wonderful life now, you deserve it.

I’m sorry to hear this Op. it’s made me sad. You are most certainly not in the wrong here! Focus on the current people in your life you don’t need them. FWIW I think your mum would be proud of you. You sound like a nice person

You are all so lovely and kind happiness and love for you all xxx

OP YANU.
Sorry you are having such a tough time.
When my DM died my family kind of fell apart because she was the glue keeping us together. Without her we argue, bitch, fight and are just mean people (all of us).
It’s taken me a long time to realise that I don’t have to maintain a relationship with them at all costs.
My mental health is suffering. I’m constantly thinking about our arguments. I’m constantly waiting for apologies that never come.
It’s only now that I’m middle aged I’ve finally come to terms that I’m not going to have a close relationship with them. And that’s ok. It’s not a reflection on me, it’s just one of those things.
My advice would be to put yourself first and stop chasing the impossible. You don’t have to justify the lack of relationship to anyone else.

THEY are the ones that are horrible !

The brother for beating you
And making you believe it was your fault because he wanted to sell the house

The sister for enabling him and letting the family home be sold when you were still a minor

Husbands fault for leaving you for another woman

Sister in law for telling you to stay in contact with sister who is horrible and don't give no shits about anyone other than heself

I think you should cut them ALL out of your life

Its daunting because then you would be alone

But then you would meet new people, and be able to recognise if they are horrible or nice, and go on to lead a beautiful and happy life

You DESERVE a beautiful happy life, free from toxic family members and people who prevent you happiness by not valuing and honouring you for the beautiful person you are

Darling, it's them who are horrible, not you. If anything, you sound lovely. So sorry about everything you endured. I have a brother and we love each other very much, always have each others backs, so it always breaks my heart to read how horrible siblings can be to each other.

You don't owe them anything. Nothing at all. Go, live your life with your friends and your new guy and be happy :).