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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is being in debt a deal breaker?

32 replies

Toknowanything · 02/11/2019 15:47

My bf is a few grand into debt due to a few unforeseen circumstances that all came at once (he did have my sympathy) including loosing his job.

However since he’s been in debt his spending habits haven’t really changed I.e buying branded groceries, new designer winter coat but nothing wrong with his other designer coats, buying lots of chrimbo gifts, still got his Pay monthly gym membership etc etc

He’s stressed about the debt and asked me if I could lend him some money which I’ve gave him a few hundred and called it quits as he helped me out with my car last year.

He’s been offered a fairly well paid job that starts tomorrow but he’ll have to work a lot over Christmas that he wants off. Aibu to think bad money management is a turn off? Someone I should probably stay away from especially as we’re hoping to plan a future together?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 02/11/2019 15:49

It would be a deal breaker for me. He'll be a financial burden, forever coming to you with his hand out. Most of us want a man who will share the load, not make it worse.

Booboooo · 02/11/2019 15:49

Doesn't bode well

Sushiroller · 02/11/2019 15:51

Yanbu.

The debt he is in (due to the circumstance) wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but this....

However since he’s been in debt his spending habits haven’t really changed I.e buying branded groceries, new designer winter coat

Would definitely be a deal breaker for me...

Fairylea · 02/11/2019 15:52

Debt itself wouldn’t bother me. I am in debt and I manage it well. Asking for money though would be an instant no.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 02/11/2019 17:55

The debt isn't an issue, but the attitude to money is.

honeylulu · 02/11/2019 18:06

Yes it's the attitude.
I was badly in debt while I was putting myself through law school in the evenings as well as doing a badly paid day job and paying a mortgage. But I cut back massively on everything. No new clothes, no wine, cheap food etc. My then BF (now H) would help me out sometimes though I didn't expect it. He would buy wine for me at the weekends and bought me some new winter boots when the soles of mine split and i had to wrap my feet in cling film because they leaked!

But it was always the plan that I was "speculating to accumulate" and we both got the benefit long term of my eventually successful legal career.

Debt just because someone thinks they deserve the best but can't afford it/ thinks someone else should pick up the tab is very very unattractive.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2019 18:09

It's not just the debt, it's his immaturity that's a total deal breaker. You have been warned.

covetingthepreciousthings · 02/11/2019 18:11

However since he’s been in debt his spending habits haven’t really changed*

This would be the dealbreaker, and I also wouldn't lend him anymore money till he'd sorted this out..

fallfallfall · 02/11/2019 18:13

Debt to income ratio. 2K in debt on a 60K salary for car repairs maintenance might be fine. Other combinations for other reasons might not be.

Trills · 02/11/2019 18:16

Having incompatible attitudes to money is a deal breaker.

SageYourResoluteOracle · 02/11/2019 18:17

Debt and hiding it from me but then me (stupidly) bailing him out has led to me asking my DH of ten years for a divorce. He owns a stupidly valuable property too that his brother lives in rent free... I know, I know.

Get rid of your BF now and feel lucky that you've had an early warning

Ohyesiam · 02/11/2019 18:37

Deal breaker for me

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/11/2019 18:39

Yes, both to the debt and the continued spending rather than plough everything into the debt repayments. I want a partner that can pay their share of the bills and be financially responsible.

cccameron · 02/11/2019 18:48

I think if you actually loved him and the relationship was going anywhere it wouldn't matter and you'd be making a plan together to pay it off. A few grand due to unforseen circumstances is hardly insurmountable. My DH was actually on the dole when I met him,should I have just written him off? Still here 25 years later, married, kids and 6 figure household income. So yes if you think so little of him you'd get rid over a few grand of debt I'd move on.

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/11/2019 18:53

I think if you ruled out people with debt you would be ruling out a lot of people. My fiance has credit card debt which admittedly is only around £700. He uses it to maintain his credit rating which is very good. If you have a mortgage you have a form of debt, if you have student finance you have a form of debt. Sit down with him, discuss it properly and encourage him to make a plan to pay it off and cut down on the spending. He seems to be stuck in a cycle.

safariboot · 02/11/2019 18:57

Refusing to even attempt to live within his means and then mooching off you is definitely not nice.

bridgetreilly · 02/11/2019 19:00

Yup, the debt itself is okay - lots of people have unavoidable debt from student loans, mortgages and real emergencies. His flippant attitude in continuing to spend, not wanting to work over Christmas, and borrowing from you is NOT okay.

sonjadog · 02/11/2019 19:03

The debt wouldn't be a problem, the asking you for money to fund his lifestyle would be.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/11/2019 19:04

As PPs have said, the debt wouldn't bother me if he was making steps to manage it and prioritising paying it off. I have been in debt myself.

The borrowing from you and buying designer clothes rather than pay off the debt would however be a deal breaker.

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/11/2019 19:07

It wouldn't be the debt that's a dealbreaker for me - debt is part of modern life. What would be though is the asking to borrow money.

Jellykat · 02/11/2019 19:09

As others have said debt not a problem in itself, however not curbing the spending smells of a lack of responsibility and entitlement to me.

AuntieStella · 02/11/2019 19:13

I would be very concerned about that amount of non-essential spending when there is debt to clear.

I wouldn't be comfortable with someone happy live on the never-never, particularly if they expected me to bail them out when not seeming to make proper efforts themselves

NamedyChangedy · 02/11/2019 19:14

His spending habits to me would indicate that our values aren't aligned, and he wouldn't be a viable long-term partner. Financial freedom is very important to me, and being in constant debt hugely limits your options in life. Some people might be ok living like that but I personally wouldn't be.

KitKat1985 · 02/11/2019 19:16

The debt itself sounds like it was partly bad luck, but I would be concerned that he can't adjust his spending habits to reflect the fact he owes money.

purplecorkheart · 02/11/2019 19:17

The debt itself would not bother me if the circumstances of it are as you say. However the fact he has not made any lifestyle expenditure changes would be a massive deal breaker.

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