to take money off student DB?

[ilovepenguins79]

DB is a final year student and normally lives at home with his parents (FIL and SMIL) where from all accounts he is very well looked after (think has a brand new car, posh bike, iphone etc) and isn't a student in the sense that i was a student scrapping 20p together to buy supernoodles in the 00s!
DB decided that he wanted a break from his parents and asked to come and stay with us for 6 weeks (200 miles away) whilst he does an unpaid placement. His FIL said at the time that he'd provide some money to cover his food and we agreed on the condition that he'd help out with the dog and clean up after himself as we have 3 young DC (2 preschool).
The time has come and hes been with us 2 weeks now. He's told us that FIL offered him either money to bring with him to give to us or money towards buying a new (rather expensive) phone. He said he chose the phone and he would be contributing to his food through money he's earned doing packing over the summer.
We've got an unexpected bill due in a few months which we hadn't budgeted for and have had to seriously rejig our finances to accommodate this plus christmas to save for but now i feel awful as i will be taking from a student when we have well paid jobs on the face of it- as we know with mortgage and childcare there isn't a lot left. I know his mother (SMIL) will see it like this as well.
DP thinks the same but has added that he made the decision to come here rather than stay at home, we know he has savings (he is saving to buy a house) and that he isn't a student in the sense that we were (living on super noodles and wearing ancient hoodies).

AIBU to take money from a student?

No, I don't think you WBU. 2 of my children are students, living away from home, and they have to buy their own food. As their parents, we give them money for this, but I know other students live off summer earnings. Whether DB's money comes from his parents or his savings, I think he should be paying for his food, electricity, etc, the same as any other student.

He's told us that FIL offered him either money to bring with him to give to us or money towards buying a new (rather expensive) phone. He said he chose the phone

I think he’s a lying wee shit and your fil gave him money to give to you, but he decided to spend it on a phone. I wouldn’t mention the lovely new phone to your fil and tell him that it was very generous of him to give your bil the money. Wink

I agree with MrG - your BIL's a lying wee shit! I'd suggest your DH contacts his dad and says "I'm sorry to have to ask, but you did offer to reimburse us for having DB living here. You can imagine that once we've paid the mortgage and all the child-related expenses we're only just keeping in the black." This'll put the cat among the pigeons, but but should result in your BIL giving you the amount that FIL gave him in the first place.

I think you are probably right. I think I might have chanced it at that age.

It will be around the family though that we've taken money off a poor student as thats how SMIL will see it. I am going to ask for £30 a week towards bills and food. I am not charging him 'rent' only towards bills that will be higher due to a 3rd adult living in the house - food, electricity, bills etc.

Is this your brother or brother in law?

sorry i have just seen I've not added IL. He's my brother in law. His Dad is my partner's father and his mother is my partner's step mum

@Optimist1i guess BIL will then say to FIL.....well I did offer!

I wouldn’t. It’s not his fault you have unexpected bills. Does one more person really cost £30 extra a week in food. He’s out during the day on placement so isn’t using any electric etc then.

I think family just do each other favours and don’t charge though.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss I live alone and spend £30 ish on food a week. And I'm not a bloke in his 20s who can be as bad as teenagers! Locusts the lot of them

He's chancing his arm now his feet are under the table, thinking you won't kick him out. A student who has enough money to save for a house?! Yeah, because he's being a CF and sponging off everyone!

He's hardly your typical impoverished student, is he? Most students can't afford a second hand car, let alone a new one, nor can they afford the insurance premiums to enable them to run one. According to him, he chose a phone when he could have had the money to pay you. I would have no qualms whatsoever about taking money from him.

My son's at uni and he pays for food when he's home. I think £30pw is very reasonable if he eats as much as my teens do.

I thought £30 would cover extra food, electricity, heating etc. He takes lunch/snacks out of our fridge in the mornings. His boyfriend is coming to stay with us for a weekend as well.

He lives at home so the car is completely funded by my FIL. This is his first time away from home - DSMIL was very concerned as he was anxious apparently that we don't eat until after DC are in bed and he goes to bed early.

We give our student daughter (who lives away from home) £30 a week for food, though I think she usually spends less than that.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss He works 3 on and then 4 off so he's home a fair bit and I have noticed a fair increase in the food bills.

I see what you are saying but on the other hand, I don't think we should be out of pocket just because he's getting fed up of living with mum and dad but doesn't really fancy paying his way either.

I would probably be more inclined to be a bit more generous if he didn't just sit in the lounge looking at his phone ignoring everyone when he is here!

Honestly, he can well afford to pony up and he should. He's lodging, not guesting.

DH needs to speak to his DF. I'm another one thinking BIL is lying. I'd also cancel the BF visiting. You simply can't afford to subsidise him.

Hang on hang on....FIL said he would give DB money to EITHER give to you to pay for his keep or to buy himself a new phone? What kind of moronic choice is that? Of course he's going to say the phone. That's not a choice. A) money for YOU B) a new phone for HIM. AAm I missing something?

I'd have a conversation with PIL and let them know you're thinking of charging x amount per week to cover the increase in bills (dropping in that you ordinarily wouldn't want to but you can't afford to cover him due to the big bill, Xmas etc) and do they think it's reasonable for him to afford it or would they prefer to supplement (I'd probably ask your other half to have this conversation, it'll likely be easier received).

@GoodGriefSunshine This does seem like a strange thing for him to have done and he wouldn't want us to be out of pocket so I am not 100% that its true. I wonder if the conversation was 'I am giving you money to go to penguin and son so you can't have the phone as well'.

@Windygate He spoke to FIL a while ago and he just said 'Yes of course' and the conversation finished. They aren't great at communicating (it seems to run in the family I am afraid).

Yanbi. Charge the fucker

Take the money he needs to learn life isn't free. Technically it's not his earnings its the money his father was meant to give to you. His money is really going towards his phone. I would be furious with db and fil personally because they knew he was supposed to pay his way but fil offered him to have the cash for himself and he took it. What if the packing money is less than what fil gave him and less than his costing you. Your left out of pocket when you didn't even invite him.

I think ... your fil gave him money to give to you, but he decided to spend it on a phone

This ^^ - which is why it's perhaps not really fair to blame FIL for any of it

BIL sounds rather too used to others picking up his bills, but he claimed he was going to use his packing wages to pay you so that's what he can do. If StepMIL doesn't like it, I'd "clarify" with her exactly what the money was intended to be spent on ... be a shame if she found his rent had actually gone on a phone wouldn't it?

BTW, how's he doing on helping with the dog and cleaning up after himself ... ?

Puzzled- I doubt she would be concerned, he's her PFB and she completely smothers him. It'd be 'he'd made a decision' or some other BS. He's had a couple of anxiety attacks that I've supported him with since he got here about being away from home and starting a new placement.

sorry just to link why I said that, i think he's smothered/over parented at home by her and as a result finds life a bit tough. SMIL was threatening to come and get him when he was getting anxious about starting work!

I’m usually the first to defend someone with anxiety and have suffered from severe anxiety at times. That’s why I’d never do something to increase my anxiety, such as stealing money intended to pay the people that are keeping me.