AIBU to think long term stress can kill your spirit forever

[havingamadmoment]

By this I mean that a long period of let’s say medium level stress can cause you to just lose what spark of life you had in you?!

The last 5 years have been really difficult, illness, hospital admissions, collapse of our company and staring from scratch again. Moving to a smaller house that we dislike etc. Just so many things all piled up on top of each other. While it was happening I coped, I wouldn’t say I was happy but I just got on with things. While all this was happening DH had a vasectomy which goes against our personal beliefs (and no I don’t wish to discuss that here as I have been ripped apart on here before about it!).

Anyway things the last year or so have improved an unbelievable amount. We are in a better position now than we were before, most of the stresses and dairy worries we had are either gone or at the very least incredibly reduced.

But I still wake up feeling just deflated, I have no dreams for the future anymore I don’t particularly want to go in holidays, days out or anything of that sort. Dh keep buying me things that are “fun” or offering to take me places which is great but tbh I just don’t think I will ever he the same person again. I feel like the last few years has literally killed a part of me off! I feel old and just as though I should probably just out on some comfortable slippers and just let the years pass around me.

I don’t feel depressed, I don’t feel like I am struggling day to day I just think the old me has been killed of never to return.

We talked recently about having the vasectomy reversed now that we can afford both to pay for that and support another child. I am thrilled to think of if I really am but part of me is just thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I am 36, what if things get bad again, what if dh dies for some reason. The old me would have just said go for it it will work out!

So I guess my round about aibu is aibu to think that you can literally kill your spirit forever with stress?

YABU. Sure, you have lived and learnt. But you’re not going to give up on life improving. That shows in your post. Think about what really matters to you and your family, and how to get there. But not in a rush. Things have clearly been exceedingly busy.

I’m trying to do the same. Which tbh probably starts with the ‘simple’ step of getting to bed earlier, right now!

You may not think you are depressed but your post sounds it. Depression comes in many forms but one thing I found was that the world seemed grey and dull. Nothing really felt worth it.

I would look into some therapy like CBT / mindfulness

'I don’t feel depressed, I don’t feel like I am struggling day to day I just think the old me has been killed of never to return.'

That sounds like a depressed person to me. xx It's worth looking into meds and therapy- please see your GP.

I do know what you mean though-it can take time to get over things like that. Wishing you a long, relaxing time free of drama! xxxx

It could be that therapy/meds could help you deal with stressful times better, so they take less of a toll. Hugs xxx

Name changed for this.

YANBU. Extreme stress over a long period of time can take that zest/sparkle away from you and it does not mean you are necessarily depressed. I know - I’ve been there. I won’t go into details as they’re very specific as pretty much everything that could go wrong did in a short space of time and just when we got through it, everything settled, life back on track, life limiting illness smacked me in the face. I was on automatic pilot mode for so long - mind always working out the next step to “get it right” - and just got swallowed by everything. People always said how happy I looked, especially considering everything going on, but I was far from it, and I had to hide behind a facade of perfection/normality or I was going to crumble and crawl into a hole and die. This was my survival mode.

I don’t have any words of wisdom - life is totally back on track (excluding illness), but I’m just blah about everything. Obviously there are things that I now enjoy more than I did in the worst periods and I take delight in my children, but where I was excited about planning a holiday or wanting to visit somewhere I don’t get that now. I’ll still arrange and do things, it’s just I’m not bothered anymore.

I know people reading this will say I’m depressed - I’m not, GP also agrees I’m not - but I’m definitely changed from all the drama and stress (and feel like I’ve been completely shafted in life even though I did all the “right” things). You could try seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist as some people find talking about things helps (I personally don’t find it helpful, but lots do).

I would love to wave a magic wand and turn back the clock - but I’m not that awesome. Good luck and I hope you do get some sparkle back.

Yanbu

Nothing can ever kill your spirit.

Whether you think you are or not, you sound depressed to me.

After having a few stressful events myself I found myself just functioning day to day - time is a good healer though
Maybe it's a bit of PTSD or stress still, maybe talk to your GP about some therapy?

You sound burned out OP. Similar to depression in many ways but not quite the same according to Wikipedia. My dad is suffering from it and that’s kind of how I’d describe him, and part of the symptoms are feeling like it will never improve.. although I believe without addressing it via lifestyle changes and possibly medication (I’ve not asked him if he’s on any) it may not. Did your doctor suggest anything similar to you?

I think it’s too easy to pathologise how you’re feeling as depression. Maybe some therapy would help but I think your feelings are just a natural response to the experience of everything going wrong for so long. You become a cynic and that can make it hard to enjoy the present moment because it is hard to shake the feeling that it could all go wrong.

I think experiences can change you and scar you, yes. I think you can sometimes look back on who you were and wonder where you went and wonder whether you will ever return. But then I think of the TedTalk I saw once on depression and concentrate on what I am going to have for breakfast instead. You take care of yourself love, any way you can. PM me if you need to. I should be taking tunnock's advice and trying to sleep would be wise.

OP, I went through a similar hard time, and a period afterwards similar to you described. After researching, I think I was burnt out. To mix metaphors, I felt like I had reached well, well past the end of my rope, and I wasn’t sure I could snap back. I pictured myself like a piece of elastic that had been stretched too far and would never completely return to non-stretched state.

What helped was a lot of self-care. And not just the baths/candles on Pinterest! I read that ‘self care doesn’t always feel very good’ and it was right. In stages, I did the following: I went to bed earlier, and had afternoon naps on weekends. I cut out alcohol and reduced sugar and introduced lots of veges into all meals. I saw a dr and got supplements (multi vitamin, iron and magnesium), I got a referral for a counsellor (just to talk everything out), I tried journaling, I did some kind of gentle exercise outside in nature everyday (usually walk or outdoor yoga or beach swim), later I kept doing this, but went to the gym too. I made myself text 3 friends every day, and call or meet up with 2 friends one day a week, to keep/make more social links. I bought a robo vacuum - made house cleaner and made me a little happier every day when I didn’t have to vacuum. I read books (I love to read, but had stopped, kinda thinking, what’s the point?).

I did all this and more. Some things worked, some I tried didn’t. Some didn’t work straight away, but did when I gave them another go later. My counsellor said don’t be afraid to just sleep and heal and rest, which I thought was strange, until I started to see how much my body needed it.

I’m still a work in progress. I feel a lot better, but I realise some of these changes should be forever, not just for a moment.

Good luck. You will get you sparkle and hope back. Think of this like winter. No buds on the trees, but they will come back if you care for it.

Maybe some therapy would help but I think your feelings are just a natural response to the experience of everything going wrong for so long

This. I think society is such that we’re expected to just cope with that ever life throws at us - preferably while recording us living our best lives for posterity on Insta.

You said “medium level stress” and then went on to detail illness, business failure and house move which by any measure are some of the most stressful things we can do. It’s very often only once the stress stops that we have time and space to react to it all - by which time we (and others around us) think we’ve coped so well and have nothing to be stressed about.

I agree with a previous poster - lots of rest, give yourself time just to be with yourself and feel some of the things you’ve no doubt pushed away. Think of it as having been in survival mode - when the threat passes we need space and time to take stock of what we’ve actually survived. I think counselling could really help you unpick all that’s happened over the past few years and process it all properly.

You’ve lost your sparkle, and no wonder, but it can come back again with a bit of care and support.

I agree. Since I got v ill, had 2 children which therefore stopped all sleep, rest and time for me, lost my career and moved into a renovation I have lost my joy for life. It Won't be back I'm sure. Like you I can't really enjoy anything and can't be bothered planning things for the future when all I want to do is sleep

I totally get where you are coming from as I feel very similar after years of unremitting stress and big life changes. I sometimes wonder where the old 'me' went.
I totally agree with the poster above about self care and rest. Make yourself a focus, give to yourself, indulge yourself, do what you feel your body and spirit needs. Personally I don't think you can ever be the same person after a lot of hard knocks, but you can rediscover your joy in life again, just start with small steps.

Although you sound like you have symptoms of depression no one here can diagnose it. But regardless, you sound like you would benefit from speaking to a counsellor.

Nothing is ever set in stone, of course you can get your spark back. I’ve suffered ptsd and depression and after a lot of work I’ve managed to turn back into an upbeat positive person.

Don’t become obsessed about getting the old you back. Life changes you (as it should), the old you might be gone - it’s not a bad thing. if necessary mourn their passing but work out how to be the best present day you which to me sounds like it would be best achieved with some expert help.

Lovely post from @FollowYourOwnNorthStar - the only thing I would add is doing some vigorous exercise a couple of times a week, health permitting. I feel so much better in myself after this.

I also agree with FollowYourOwnStar and the poster that said to think about it like winter.

I think that's a good analogy - you seem burned out rather than depressed per se. Why not take the winter just to focus on recuperation.

'Fun' things might just be a bit much for you while you recuperate.

Follow gave some good ideas but maybe come up with your own view of what really good self-care would look like from now until Spring.

Try to get plenty of sleep, plenty of vegetables and fruit, think about some supplements like Vit D and magnesium (spray on is best).

Then add in whatever else you think would work for you that is low impact - yoga/pilates, swimming, walking, reading, films, relaxed time with friends and family, long baths, naps, time with pets, mindfulness apps, etc.

If you're burned out you wont be able to go straight back to 'fun mode'. You need to build yourself back up again after a period of long term stress.

Definitely know what you mean OP.
I went through similar experiences years ago ( everything seemed to go wrong) and whilst they were happening, I just got on with it.
Things improved greatly, but there was definitely a period where I felt out of sorts
I think it was a form of PTSD,
Agree with the poster who talked about self care; lots of sleep, mild exercise, vitamins etc. These all helped me

havingamadmoment, I do understand and empathise with how you feel and it is very dark. You are depressed even if you don't like the label (most of us don't). Life can have that effect on many of us, pushing us down (which is depression) so that we can see no light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't have to last but for some, it does last a longish time; sounds as though it's been that way for you.. I believe you'll come out of it when you have more hope.

You talk about your husband having his vasectomy reversed so you can try for another child. From that I presume you have a child or children already.

I don't like the idea of you having a baby in this situation, you may not feel better for having one and after a while, may feel worse but I am not a trained therapist. Please do discuss this with your doctor and a professional counsellor in real life so you can sort out what you really want. As well as helping you to climb out of the abyss, you will find it interesting and insightful. You're not childless at the moment, you've had some blessings and you're young still, time to repair and be happy.

Take care of yourself and I do hope things improve.

Yeah I hear you! We've had life changing illness, career changes, house moves, unwell parents, cash problems and a couple of kids in the last 6y. For a long time I just couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. While I don't have full mojo back it definitely feels like things are on the up.

I paid for a decent chunk of private counselling and took up meditation using an app, both of which have been properly life changing, as they help to get it all out and stop me from ruminating. I'm now trying to rewrite my brain from reptile "coping" mode into a more positive and creative zone.

You do sound depressed and also very hung up on the vasectomy issue.

I hear you too. I think it's just that stress leaves you mentally exhausted. It's no different to running a marathon, struggling through but using all your energy to get to the finish line, you're over the moon and buzzing afterwards, but then you feel totally drained and it takes time to recover.

Mental stress is no different. I do think you can get your zest back but it can take some time and maybe never to what it used to be. I also think that one, if the not the main reason for this is that through stress, we acquire poor sleeping habits that even when the stress isn't there any longer, remains. We remain naturally alert, brain overworking and as a result don't get the same level of deep sleep that leaves us refreshed and energised the next morning.

My advice would be to get into meditation to retrain your brain to relax and and let go.

I agree, it's the sheer relentlessness of waiting for things to go wrong my, things going wrong and then having to pick up the pieces. I went through a massively stressful time about a decade ago and just when I thought I was getting to the end of it, my mother died and my world was off balance again.

These days, like you, OP things are much better, and on a fundamental level I'm happy, but at the back of my mind there's always thar feeling that it could go wrong at any moment. I'm currently looking into planning my wedding - but there's a part of me that thinks it isn't going to happen. I've got a successful business but I still spend nights worrying that I'm going to lose it.

I think that once you have been through major, or even a series of moderately, stresses in your life you become more acutely aware of how fragile it all is and all the things that can go wrong. It doesn't mean you're depressed, just realistic.

It sounds like you’d really benefit from seeing a counsellor; other people are right that we can’t diagnose depression but you do describe many of the symptoms but either way I genuinely don’t think your spirit can be killed unless you let it. I think it can be dampened while you recover and you are still in that recovery time but please don’t give up and think this is it.