AIBU to think long term stress can kill your spirit forever

[havingamadmoment]

By this I mean that a long period of let’s say medium level stress can cause you to just lose what spark of life you had in you?!

The last 5 years have been really difficult, illness, hospital admissions, collapse of our company and staring from scratch again. Moving to a smaller house that we dislike etc. Just so many things all piled up on top of each other. While it was happening I coped, I wouldn’t say I was happy but I just got on with things. While all this was happening DH had a vasectomy which goes against our personal beliefs (and no I don’t wish to discuss that here as I have been ripped apart on here before about it!).

Anyway things the last year or so have improved an unbelievable amount. We are in a better position now than we were before, most of the stresses and dairy worries we had are either gone or at the very least incredibly reduced.

But I still wake up feeling just deflated, I have no dreams for the future anymore I don’t particularly want to go in holidays, days out or anything of that sort. Dh keep buying me things that are “fun” or offering to take me places which is great but tbh I just don’t think I will ever he the same person again. I feel like the last few years has literally killed a part of me off! I feel old and just as though I should probably just out on some comfortable slippers and just let the years pass around me.

I don’t feel depressed, I don’t feel like I am struggling day to day I just think the old me has been killed of never to return.

We talked recently about having the vasectomy reversed now that we can afford both to pay for that and support another child. I am thrilled to think of if I really am but part of me is just thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I am 36, what if things get bad again, what if dh dies for some reason. The old me would have just said go for it it will work out!

So I guess my round about aibu is aibu to think that you can literally kill your spirit forever with stress?

I'm puzzling over how your husband's vasectomy happened in the first place if it was against his 'personal beliefs'. He would have had to give his consent in the first place. Sounds like there's an issue in your relationship you're trying to skirt over here.

And yes i do like life can crush the joy out of us, but we can take control and get it back.

A serious period of stress has very real and measurable changes on your body and brain. That means that you continue to feel the effect after the stressful situation has gone.

It takes time (years) to slowly recover. In the meantime go easy on yourself. Xx

Yanbu.

I agree ,I feel the same ,we had a very difficult time bringing up our eldest son ,he has numerous diagnosis,was expelled from 2 schools and I had him at home for his whole secondary years with lea tutors .the violence against the other children nearly broke me as i felt I was failing to protect them.he was weeing everywhere at age 17 ,we had camhs involved who did little more than threaten to section him numerous times.he was showing signs of schizophrenia,and turning the gas on at 3 am so the whole house was full of gas ..honestly I nearly had a breakdown my self ,and he did.
But we coped ,we coped well.
Then 2 years ago ,my youngest child received the same diagnosis
And I’ve just fallen apart,exactly as you described op ,that’s how I now feel.i can’t go through it all again ,yet I’ve no choice.hes been out of school 2 years with tutors on and of ,hes not responding to them so I’m having to do educating,and I’m empty.nothing left

I totally hear you. The prolonged period of stress that I lived through has totally changed me. I truly hear you when you say you've lost your enthusiasm for life. I dip in and out of antidepressants. But ultimately something in me has changed and I know I will not be the same person again.

Not read everyone's replies.

OP, I know what you mean and I'm sure longterm stress has to cloud your view on life for ever or at least for a long time but I think in your case it's way too soon to think that you have permanently lost your spark.

I think you need to be thinking long term. Maybe several years or longer. It's still such early days for you.
I've had my first ever stressful year - I'd previously had a very easy life in all aspects, I've been shocked how it's effected me. I thought I was the most laid back person ever but it turns out I'm not 😂. I don't even think the reason for me feeling stressed is significant compared with what other people have to deal with.

It sounds like you had an awful lots to deal with. 😕

Give yourself some more time and hopefully you will feel better soon. Also make sure you have the basics covered - sleep, exercise, diet, not too much alcohol etc etc.

I feel the same at the moment OP. A prolonged stressful/traumatic situation has taken its toll and I’m just not who I used to be.

I’m trying anti depressants- jury is out still on whether they’re helping.

Trying to get enough sleep and make sure I get some fresh air and/or social contact each day.

I dunno. But I hear you.

Not forever OP , you can survuve a burn-out or depression.

It can be so hard when you are in the midst of it, but making life changes really helps

start of with being kind to yourself

It can impact you massively but you can also get over it. I had approx 15 years of serious issues, mental health related, brought on by things going on in my life. I was very depressed, self harming, and eventually suicidal. Here I am now in my late 30s and I love my life. But it took a hell of a lot to get here.

Thanks everyone. I think you are right that I need to just take care of myself and not try to act as though I’m the same person I was.

Ruffle - there is no big underlying issue
We have never used contraception previous to the last 5 years.At the very start of all this when we realised everything Moneywise was going south we realised we couldn’t no longer financially support more children, it would be taking food out of the mouths of our family and mean that I was out of action in terms of work for too long. I went on the mini pill assuming it to be temporary.

4 months later I was pregnant. Our baby was born and we were really happy but as predicted things were getting even more difficult.

By the time she was three months old I had managed to get pneumonia and sepsis and was very ill in hospital, we were now on the verge of being homeless and we had just shut down our company and started a new one.

We both decided that another baby seriously wasn’t an option at that point and we would never abort a pregnancy (no judgement about this I fully support women’s right to do this I just personally wouldn’t).

He had the vasectomy as a last resort that needed both agreed on.

You're depressed, even if you can't recognise it

This does sound like a MH issue. I have a MH issue and find exercise, healthy eating, sleep and managing workload help.

Pursuing ttc another DC with all the private healthcare interventions that would be needed seems a bad plan - lmore expense and stress, with v low odds of success. And even in the best case scenario neither of you sound in a good place to parent an additional DC/your existing DC with a new sibling, and would be back into sleep deprivation etc.

I know what you mean OP. Since 2010 my life has generally been a series of awfulness. I've posted here about some of it at times and been accused of trolling at least twice because to be fair it has been pretty .
I think if things were fine and then they're not fine it's hard to get back that feeling that life will generally be ok. When your lived experience is that actually it's not ok and things can and do go wrong quickly and suddenly that takes away your sense of security. It's hard to feel happy when you don't feel safe. I'm not sure that's depression - just experience. I like the meme about not waiting for the sunshine but learning to dance in the rain.
There are loads of good ideas up thread about taking each day as it comes. I think maybe the old you is gone but building a new you is the way to go.

OP I totally agree with others that prolonged relentless stress does change your outlook on life. I am coming out of the woods myself now with the help of counselling but I totally recognise your description of joylessness and emptiness. Maybe it's clinical depression but actually I think it's normal to feel like this after intense upheaval and now 18 months after the last trauma I'm starting to feel new green shoots after the frost. It's really lovely especially after I thought/was told I was going to die but it does feel different than before. You've looked at the abyss and it changes you. I'm more cautious but also more aware that all of the caution in the world won't protect you from the unexpected which hits you without warning, in my case on a sunny Thursday in April. No one is the same after that, psycopaths excepted. Don't give yourself a hard time and it will come back.

Wrt the vasectomy, I wonder if it might be useful to explore the dynamic going on in your marriage? Only that it seems a drastic step when abstinence and other measures are available which wouldn't mean you never having any more children.

I think I will have a talk with my gp although he is normally fairly useless tbh ! Maybe he will surprise me. Or perhaps I can move surgeries?

Goodnight I don’t feel like there are any problems in our marriage we have been together 20 years and things seem happy .

Tbh I think the vasectomy was a joint panic attack - I had just nearly died and we were in a terrible situation. We went to the gp and 2 weeks later it was done

Private counselling from someone BACP qualified could help. NHS “talking therapy” services are available in some places.

How many DC do you have now?

Whatever the reasons behind the vasectomy decision, reversal is expensive and odds of it / other interventions like IVF working are low. Your ages are also a factor. Emotional stress is likely.

Well in that case you both did what you did according to the circumstances that you were in at the time, and sorry for questioning that. I should know better because I certainly did things at crisis point that have had deleterious long term effects but I was coping with life day to day as best I could and I'm sure you were too. And actually that's ok as well.

YANBU. I went through 5+ years of extreme stress/fear and I’m a different person now. I have ME as a result of all that, and any kind of stressful incident triggers an attack and I’ll be bed bound for weeks or months. It’s like my nervous system has just had enough.

pringlesfortea I am so sorry. That is very, very hard. OP, your post is sad, at 36 you still have a lot of life left and there are things out there to be enjoyed. You probably won't be the same person again but you can be a happy person. I like the analogy to winter. You just sound exhausted and possibly depressed. Try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. Try mindfulness of pleasant experiences. When you start to feel better you may find that you have increased compassion for other people. Life is often a mixture of ups and downs, you may have hard times again but read desiderata, with all life's dissappointments it is still a wonderful world. Don't be afraid to enjoy what is good. Sometimes if we just try to make the best of things we gradually start to feel better. I hope things look up for you and you feel better soon.Never say forever, life changes all the time.

I had an awful year of supporting a friends serious mental health issues, losing a parent, other parent seriously ill, stress at work. It was horrible and when things settled and I was no longer in adrenaline mode, I felt burnt out and numb. I went for work based counselling ( nhs) and despite having lie expectations it was brilliant and life changing. I regained my passion for life and ended up doing something I would never have been brave enough to do without the awful year/ counselling.

Please seek help from your gp/ counselling. These sorts of multiple traumas need time to process and unpick.

YANBU. I had about four years of life being a shit show. Nothing disastrous by many standards but not good- and seemingly never ending at times which shredded my nerves- a lot of false hope, stuff falling through last minute or just stuff going wrong despite hard work and much preparation. It took a lot to get back on track and I'm still addressing it 2 years on and I can't drop certain reactions, thought processes and coping mechanisms- they're protection. I found it traumatic and view it as something I survived. I'm moving on but I can't undo all of the changes to my psyche from it overnight. Some I expect to be permanent. It didn't break my spirit but it damaged it.

As a Pp said; self care isn't always baths & candles. For me itd

*it's been about physically & mentally getting better and pushing very hard to better my life.