To think that beards actually exist?

[tapestryoftheheart]

Do you think that this is actually a thing? That a gay: asexual: man would use a woman to hide their sexuality in order to present a picture of fheterosexuality to the world at large ?
I cannot get my head around this whatsoever . The awfulness of it . The unfairness . The cruelty. Do you think it's intentional or do these men believe that if they are in a heterosexual relationship , that they can almost convince nice themselves of heterosexuality . Please explain this to me . Thanks . I can't understand how a man can do this to a woman .

If you think lesbian women don't do this to men you're shockingly naive.

If you can't understand how deep prejudice runs against homosexuals in certain families / societies, even in those sections of society we consider modern and tolerant and enlightened, and how strong the pressure can be to marry and settle down then you're shockingly naive.

I can't believe any homosexual would enter into a heterosexual relationship for shits and giggles. And I agree it's awful for the other partner. But I don't think it's done out of cruelty or maliciousness.

Yes it regularly happens in certain cultures and where the men come from strong religious backgrounds (fundamentalist Christians, muslims etc.)
It's often due to family/societal pressure and hurts everyone involved

O be seen it work very well for both men and women. I've known at least three lesbians who,due to their times, families, religion etc, lived apparently"straight" lives while maintaining a very close "female friendship".

I would like to think like this too. That nobody would ever do this intentionally but it seems so common and obvious to me because I am not directly involved .
I am not discriminating against men here . I'm questioning that women do this to men too, it's just that it's only men that I believe to do this, because I know them and not women.

My cousin's husband did

She was young, innocent & vulnerable due to a disability, and he decided she'd make the perfect wife. According to my grandmother, his brother apparently tried to warn my cousin before the wedding, but didn't exactly spell it out. My poor cousin had had such a sheltered upbringing that she didn't understand. Needless to say the marriage didn't last long. It was a deliberate and truly wicked thing to do to her.

This breaks my heart . I see a family friend walking straight into this and it terrifies me

She is desperate to settle down have kids and be loved and minded . He has it all going on to the outside world , and parades her around to the usual couples events but then reverts back to his single male lifestyle as soon as he possibly can . I feel helpless .

Of course women do this too. Homosexuality is illegal in many countries and many cultures apply pressure on women to marry by a certain age so I can see why gay or asexual people would be a beard.
Coming out as gay restricts roles if you're in Hollywood. There are anomalies like Neil Patrick Harris who get to play roles like womanising Barney in How I Met Your Mother but the most are like Anne Heche and end up unable to book romantic leads because of their sexuality.

I think that most really do try to love them though. My best friend is a gay man and at one point in his life he met a woman that really charmed him. She was funny, beautiful, they had the same interests, could talk about nothing and everything for months. They really clicked. He started daydreaming about marrying her and starting a family, he always wanted to have a family. He felt that if he would ever marry someone, it should be her. He consciously wanted to love this lovely woman. In the end he walked away from it all because he didn't really want to have sex with her, because he only ever wants to have sex with men, but he did want to spend his life with her and if he could have, he would have. It made him very sad. He had to let go of his dreams of a future family and having a wife to share his life with. He never tried to have a relationship with anyone (man or woman) again.

I think that this might happen more often than we think. We are all brought up with fairytales of meeting your perfect partner, getting married and starting a house and having children. Plenty of gay people have the same dreams. Unfortunately, in a lot of countries it is not possible to get married to a same sex partner or have a child or adopt together. Life is easier in that respect if you have a partner from the opposite sex.

Well I’ve been one, but not married to the guy and definitely not unknowingly. My best pal was a closeted (to his religious family) gay man, and I did pretend to be his girlfriend at various events. However that’s different to what OP is describing.

In overseas countries such as found in the Middle East there remains pressure to marry well by a certain age. I have many Middle East clients who have been raised in cultural and religious circumstances where being gay would still cause offense, and possible criminal sanctions. Outside of this, sexuality is a complicated matter...there are people who are heterosexual, people who are gay/ lesbian, people who are bisexual and people who just don't know where they stand. Beards may not strictly be about deception and family honour systems. It may be that you enter a relationship or marriage thinking you are not gay or bisexual, and then realise that you are. I went to University with one girl who had a boyfriend and they were set to marry. Then she left college and discovered herself to be a lesbian, so dumped him and dated women from then onwards.

Not sure if you would call it a beard but when my sister was at uni her best friend was gay. His father didnt agree and, when he was hinted he was coming out around age 14 his father threatened to disinherit him and was horrific about it all apparently. So he stayed quiet and eventually off he went to uni. His parents bought him a house near the uni and the boy moved my sister in and let her live, rent free, if she would pretend to be his girlfriend when his family visited and attend family gatherings with him every few months. My sister even ended up going on holidays with them and spent a christmas with them (her own choice! apparently "mil" was very generous with the family gifts). She loved the luxury and he got his father off his back. They lived together for 7 years before my sister got serious with her "real" boyfriend and moved in with him.

I think it happens. It's possible for a man to love a woman and enjoy the socially acceptable family setting, while still being attracted to men.

Or sometimes maybe they just haven't completely come to terms with being gay yet.

There is a woman in South Africa trying to sue her husband for doing it to her.

www.timeslive.co.za/news/south-africa/2019-10-31-cape-town-woman-wants-r9m-after-discovering-husband-of-six-years-is-gay/

Besidesthepoint That's sad but quite extreme! Maybe his sexuality is more fluid than he thinks?

I think it's a complicated situation.

In my late teens and early 20s, my best friend was a gay man. He was already out when we met. But we both enjoyed people thinking we were a couple. He said that meeting people for the first time, was generally easier when people think he is straight.

We loved eachother deeply, but were both aware it could only ever be friendship. Ita hatd to explain. If I could have chosen to marry and be happy with anyone, it would have been him, he felt the same. The problem was we just didnt fancy eachother and had no inclination to have sex.

But I can see how a man or woman may meet someone they love, though not fancy, and that person gives them a life that's more accepted that they can convince themseleves it will be ok.

Many people know they are gay, but try and ignored it. Try to pretend its not true. That if the pursue the 'normal' hero set up, they will be fine. They can ignore it. They bury their heads because they dont want to deal with the fall out of it all. And I believe it's mainly sub conscious.

I have to say though in my 30s, I know far more women who have left their husbands for other women, than men leaving for other men. Most of the women I know have at least suspected they have been attracted to women since their teens.

One benefit of a more open society is that this will happen less. Although for now it will continue in certain, mainly religious communities. Very sad for all concerned. And as has been pointed out, so complex.

I did it for years.

I always thought that a ‘beard’ (really hate that term) knows the situation, and will generally get something out of the situation - money, exposure or status.

It’s completely different from a person who enters a relationship believing that it’s real.

One thing I don't understand is when a partner comes out as gay. For this example I'll use a homosexual man and his heterosexual wife.
The heterosexual wife hasn't got a clue, their sex life was excellent, they were a good match, comes as one helluva shock that their marriage, seemingly excellent, was a lie, etc.
Surely that means the husband is more bisexual with preferential leanings towards homosexuality and other men but still has the ability to have a heterosexual relationship with their wife.
It's one thing that has always confused me.

I always thought that a ‘beard’ (really hate that term) knows the situation, and will generally get something out of the situation

This....

I am a gay woman and I left my husband when I realised this. I had no idea that I was gay when I married him - I was aware of my feelings for women but assumed that I was bisexual. As soon as I realised that I was gay, I couldn’t ‘un-know’ it and I immediately found it very very hard to have sex with him after years of being able to.

I dated boys and men because that’s what my friends did. They listed after boys at school so I pretended to all well and assumed that the feelings would eventually catch up because I was a late developer. When you get used to doing that, you eventually convince yourself that you do have those feelings. At that age I didn’t understand that the feeling I had for girls/women were anything beyond a ‘girl crush’ which Just Seventeen told me was entirely normal. By the time I realised they were sexual feelings, I was used to dating boys so assumed I was bisexual.

It was possible for me to have a decent sex life with men because of how arousal worked for me. I have never in my life looked at a man or thought of a man and felt turned on. What happened was that I taught myself how to orgasm during sex as a teen because sex was crap and I wanted to enjoy it, so I worked out what to do physically to make it good for me. That meant that when I knew that sex was on the cards, a Pavlovian response kicked in because I knew that I could have an orgasm if I had sex, and my body would become turned on. That arousal was never anything to do with the men I had sex with, but I didn’t realise - why would you realise you’re a lesbian if you’re capable of having good sex with a man? It was only when I realised I was gay that I understood how the mechanics behind it had fooled me for years. As soon as I understood that I was gay I was unable to have sex with my husband because my brain caught up and realised that I didn’t find men sexually attractive.

I adored my husband. He was my best friend and we had a wonderful family life together and I deeply regret the pain I have caused him and our children. I would give anything not to be gay so I could have all of that back. But I am gay and I can’t be with him in that way. I would never have married him if I had known back then but I didn’t - and I am an educated and emotionally intelligent woman who comes from a pretty liberal family so it’s not like I was deeply closeted. I just didn’t see a lesbian when I saw myself because I didn’t match up to how a lot of lesbians present themselves. As a result I live with the agony of the pain I caused every single day. It’s not always a selfish decision. Sometimes it is a genuine mistake.

Lots on here saying it's about culture and religious pressure etc. That's a cop out.

Well there have been lots of threads of women coming on mumsnet in the last year alone, after finding out their husband of 10, 15, 20 years etc, was lying to them, was gay and was having gay affairs.

These were not cases of cultures or religions causing it. These were just dishonest, lying, cheating men who thought they could get away with it. Disgusting behaviour. Having an affair is bad enough but the cruelty to use a woman to shield your sexuality is inhumane.

It's an added dimension as that person never wanted you as a woman at all and an added layer of deception.

A genuine mistake is far different to sustained, ongoing dishonesty. Anyoneever

I always thought beards were complicit in the arrangement. E.g. Hollywood actors not wanting their bible belt fans to know they are gay so marrying a minor actress/actor who gets to raise their profile and live an A list life for a while in return for playing at happy families.

That's different from knowingly using and deceiving someone who loves you just because you are ashamed of your sexuality. That is cruel and spineless.