To think that beards actually exist?

[tapestryoftheheart]

Do you think that this is actually a thing? That a gay: asexual: man would use a woman to hide their sexuality in order to present a picture of fheterosexuality to the world at large ?
I cannot get my head around this whatsoever . The awfulness of it . The unfairness . The cruelty. Do you think it's intentional or do these men believe that if they are in a heterosexual relationship , that they can almost convince nice themselves of heterosexuality . Please explain this to me . Thanks . I can't understand how a man can do this to a woman .

I know a few but they are mainly older (50s, 60s), white British and not religious in the slightest. One man, when the couple were in their 40s, was constantly saying "My wiiiiife, Jane", "you know my wiiiife", "my wiiiife Jane is just how a woman should be, big, beautiful, curves in all the right places."
They had a great lifestyle together but she was the breadwinner and easily could have had the same or better lifestyle without him.

Everyone knew he was gay but we all went with the pretence. After knowing them about five years, I introduced Jane to someone as "Jane, you know she's Tony, who you've just met's, wife." Something, I might have said a thousand times. Anyway, this night as the other person got out of earshot, Jane hissed at me "For fucks sake. You know I'm not really his WIFE don't you? Not like a proper wife. Everyone must think I'm stupid. I do know, you know?". The worst part was that her previous marriage when she was young and the only relationship she'd had up until then had been horribly abusive. And from that she'd walked into this beard marriage and stayed in that for decades. Very very sad situation. Glamorous, funny, attractive, intelligent, gifted woman but no self esteem and ultimately very lonely.

My first boyfriend turned out to be gay. It was awful, I felt like he kept rejecting me sexually because there was something wrong with me and then when I realised he was gay, I was so angry at him for lying and pretending and using me, who adored him, as his beard. It felt so cruel and calculated of him...why did he pick me? I had to break up with him in the end. He also had to have lots of women around him all the time so he could look like he was a real ladies man. I know he'd had a religious upbringing and his mum said terrible things about gay men, but does that really justify deceiving and hurting women? He married a younger, naive virgin woman from overseas. She was a devout christian who felt "so blessed that her husband to be was willing to follow God's plan and wait until marriage for sex". I often wonder how that marriage is going. Poor woman.

Many enter a bearded relationship because they think eventually they will learn to love the person, instead of just like them. Internalised homophobia is such a tangled web to unravel.

There are also those who simply do not realise they are gay. They date people of the opposite sex but they never quite 'get' what all the fuss is about.

I know a gay man who sought out an American lesbian also looking for a beard - so they've managed to get visas for each other's countries and keep their families off their backs. It's worked out very well for 20 years now - they love each other in a mostly platonic way.

I do know of a couple like this. It was widely 'known' by people that she was a lesbian, so none of us could understand why they ended up married. Plus the guy just seemed completely unaware. He is aware now, but they are still married. He is quite bitter now. It's really sad. But can't make people make a different choice.

You're not talking about a beard though OP. I was always led to believe that beards had full knowledge of the situation. So not a woman who suddenly finds out her husband of X years sleeps with men but one that say, willingly goes along with it and pretends to be a gay man's partner in exchange for something, be it money or status or whatever. Apparently it still happens a lot in Hollywood, a certain top gun is rumoured to have had several beards.

I did it. I married a man because my mother wanted me to. She’s very homophobic although has mellowed a bit. I just didn’t have the confidence and she really made me believe there was something inherently disgusting about me. I’m lucky to be good friends with XH and that he was very understanding of the situation when we split up.

Well yeah of course it exists. But you have to remember, there are swaths of this planet where homosexuality is illegal and can result in death. I'm not saying I'm ok with the whole Beard thing. But shit, if I lived in a country where there was open hostility towards homosexuals and their families, I'd be more inclined to do what I have to do to try and fit in with my intolerant society. It's called survival.

And then again, just coming out, in 'normal', tolerant society, is still bloody hard! I think we have this idea that it's all so easy. It's not. It just isn't. There is so much rejection and fuck, don't we all hate rejection? It must be one of our top ten fears as human beings. The fear of being rejected and despised, especially by our own families. And there are many, many people in the UK, the pinnacle of tolerance in my view, who would reject and cast out their own. I don't think people intend to use marriage as a front. Some do. Most don't. I really think that they hope a heterosexual marriage will make it all work out. People, by nature, want to conform to society's expectations. And it is a naive person who thinks at heart we're ready to live in truth and not conform.
Living in truth takes guts!

I am not on board with the dishonesty that involves having a beard, but in very niche circumstances, I understand why one might have a beard. It's very sad all around. I admire people who live in truth.

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago. He was in his 50s. And I was sad to know that he never came out to his mother. He had asked me several times to be his beard. I wouldn't. I couldn't. My colleague, a young man of 30, committed suicide rather than come out to his parents. That was only a few years ago.
We're not there yet. Homosexuals still struggle. It's hard to understand this from the safety of our 'straight, tolerant' vantage point. We are living in an incredibly tolerant place. Aren't we lucky? You have to understand that there still is huge opposition to homosexuality. And sometimes, having a straight marriage, faking it, is the easier route. It doesn't make it 'right'. But it is what it is.
It's just so complex. It's not so cut and dry.

I'm just finishing reading the book Call Me By Your Name and (I haven't seen the film) but I think what is so potent is the emotional and physical flip flop between total wanting for his male lover and disgust with his homosexual desires the protagonist, 17-year-old Elio experiences after having sex with a man for the first time. On the one hand, he's home. It feels so right. On the other hand, he's disgusted and the reader clearly understands that Elio is struggling with feelings and desires that go against the grain. I really, really love this element of the book. It is very real. He's not skipping and sliding down rainbows, delighted with his big reveal that he may be homosexual or bisexual. He is confused, yet clear in his feelings. It's a great paradox, this ecstasy, this disgust, and it taps right into the beating heart of our collective sexuality. Like it or not, it is anticipated that we are straight. And when we realise we are not, it is an Everest climb of coming to terms with our sexuality. I say this as a straight woman raised among gay men and women, working in a predominantly male homosexual industry and seeing the progression of tolerance skyrocket since the 80s. As a straight woman, I have not experienced such struggles personally, but I've seen the experiences of others gyrate before my own eyes. Some have had it easy, some hard.

So, getting back to 'beards', wouldn't it be great if we could just summarize so succinctly the motives behind such a relationship?
But we can't.

TheVanguardSix
I adored that book, and film, I'm currently halfway through the second book.