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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Isn’t this a bit bunny boiler? (LH)

75 replies

Forallyouknow · 01/11/2019 22:01

How many times do you call your partner when they / you are 1. At work and 2. Out with friends

I find it weird to call more than once if there’s no reason. SIL calls husband at work (delivery driver) and they spend particularly whole day on the phone - heard 10 min conversations of basically - what you doing now... now what you doing... ...... what about now... ( and so on). She hung up to eat so there’s that... although took phone to toilet after....

A friend calls her husband (numerous times) and FaceTimes him asking to speak to whoever he is with when he is out with friends...

to think you need SOME time apart to have something to discuss when you get together at night! This is surely some Glenn Close shit?

OP posts:

WhiskeyLullaby · 01/11/2019 23:00

We never phone unless it's something urgent/really important,but then again I don't talk on the phone with anyone except my mum.

We text loads during the day though,joke around,send pics etc. If we're busy we're busy and we both understand that.

TheSecretJeven · 01/11/2019 23:02

Never as he's not allowed his phone at work, strict policy of his employer. We can email though if I need to get hold of him.

JohnCRaven · 01/11/2019 23:04

Literally never for no reason. Only ever for an actual reason. He'll call me 'where did you put DD's lunchbox?' Or me call him 'where have you left the bin liners?'

With stunning chat like that no wonder we don't call each other more often 🤣

tillytrotter1 · 01/11/2019 23:05

SIL calls husband at work (delivery driver) and they spend particularly whole day on the phone - heard 10 min conversations of basically - what you doing now... now what you doing... ...... what about now... ( and so on)

When he loses his job for time-wasting I assume it'll be everyone's fault! How insecure people must be that they need to stalk their partner all day, don't they have work to do, the stuff that pays the bills?

JohnCRaven · 01/11/2019 23:08

Again even if it's a message I might send him through a link to a toy for DD for Christmas. Not even a preamble of 'what do you think for DD for Christmas?'. Just the link.

He never messages to ask how my day is going and vice versa. We all sit round the table for dinner and that's when we share our day. Again only if something super good (X called and offered me the promotion) or super bad (I'm going to have to work Christmas Day) happens that we want to share immediately.

cherrytreesa · 01/11/2019 23:13

A friend calls her husband (numerous times) and FaceTimes him asking to speak to whoever he is with when he is out with friends

If my DP pulled this shit with me, I'd be out of the relationship. So basically she doesn't trust her DH/ is insanely insecure. Fuck that, what a way to live.

Josette77 · 01/11/2019 23:13

DH is out of the house at 6:30 am and not home until 9pm or later. We check in during the day because we only really see each other on the weekends.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/11/2019 23:16

I’ve just checked and we called each other 4 times in October. Well 6 technically but 3 were within 5 mins of each other when we were trying to find each other in the middle of a field.

We text fairly regularly but it is all practical stuff along the lines of “can you pick Fred up”, “shall I book the Panto tickets”, “it is chicken for tea or beef”.

I think we can safely say that after 20 years and 2 kids we are no longer in that romantic early stages when I would email him from the computer room at university then race back to my room to call him and actually miss him in the 37 seconds it took me to get from one to the other. I’m a little bit sad about that.....

m0therofdragons · 01/11/2019 23:17

If I'm out with friends never but at work I do tend to touch base most days - usually re dc or when something happens at work as dh does the same job as me for a different employer so he gets it.

MinTheMinx · 01/11/2019 23:20

We're both self-employed (doing different things) so if we're not hugely busy we might send each other the odd message, but if one of us is busy and we don't reply and the other knows to leave it for later.

Wouldn't consider texting my OH when he's out with friends but he does sometimes when I'm out (but he has anxiety issues brought about by a cheating ex so I don't mind, and it's not a regular thing).

Thegreymethod · 01/11/2019 23:28

My husband will usually call me when he's at work at some point, he leaves for work at 4.30 am so he's usually just saying good morning and making sure everyone's ok but my sister in law and her partner ring each other constantly we sometimes go shopping or call round each other's for a catch up and there's usually 5 or 6 phone calls about anything and everything that's happened since she left the house!! It's quite infuriating sometimes!!

Oscar2013 · 01/11/2019 23:33

Definitely warning flags. If you cant have the privacy you need to socialise with family or friends away from your partner. Or even if you're living with them and you get a phone call and leave the room to not disturb the programme your other half may be watching. Even if you spend time texting alone to a friend, colleague or like me now replying to forums for social interaction. If you cant do all of that healthily and your partner continously questions your every move and I dont mean, questions like, "Oh what did you get up to today?" I mean like very direct questions for information to satisfy their own insecurities. Everyone has been hurt by a previous relationship but the worst thing you can do, is enter one still holding the same feelings from the previous. Even if the previous cheated on you, you cannot treat your present partner as guilty before proven. It will only end the relationship faster and you'll end up more hurt by it. It is normal to get a little jealous but it is very unhealthy when it starts to take over you and your relationship. The time you have with your partners is meant to be majority enjoyable. All couples have arguments and it will never be perfect. If you are the acting "Bunny Boiler" instead of venting your frustration onto your partner talk to a close relative or friend or seek therapy. The damaging affects are lasting more on yourself than the partner depending on the severity. If your partner loves and supports you they will be there for you through this. You just gotta open up and say, look I have been acting really out of order lately. I have been disrespecting your personal space and boundaries. I have become jealous of your relationships with other people because deep down I want that connection for ours. And instead of pushing you away, I should be making the effort to keep you closer. Set some boundaries in the relationship. And be more open, tell your partner how you feel always, bottling in only leads to it festering and then your mind will be thinking out all kinds of scenarios. The person in the relationship with you is like an elastic band, if you push them too far the bond will snap but if you allow them to freely be, they'll bounce right back. You got to look at yourself from their perspective. And no one can ever say ever that they haven't had a bunny boiler fase, even a slight one.

StillMedusa · 01/11/2019 23:35

'Morning, love you, have a good day' ..same text since mobiles came into existence

Might also add a 'can you pick up milk/bread/cat food' now and again .

He's currently in Italy with DS2 and I have had a text to say they were safely there and the hotel is fab.

I'm a TA so my phone is off at work anyway, but even if it wasn't we aren't great a phone chats!

73Sunglasslover · 01/11/2019 23:41

Live and let live I say. Not how I do it but if it suits them probably best not to worry about it.

Yerbumsootthewindae · 01/11/2019 23:44

During the day, I only text/call DH if it's to pass on essential information or to ask him to nip to shop and get milk.

If one of us is out we will sometimes send a text saying "hope you're having a good night" kind of thing. I always send a text to let DH know when and how I'm getting home:
I'm getting taxi at 1am.
I'm in the taxi.
If you're wondering why I'm not in bed yet, don't worry I am home, I'm just downstairs eating my body weight in crisps.

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/11/2019 23:48

When I'm on a night out I usually ring him for a lift home 😂 and I don't really hear from him much, definitely no phonecalls! The facetime to see who he is with is a bit much I think, borderline possessive

During a working day I will call if I need a quick answer to something as I find it quicker than waiting for a text reply! But I like to have something to talk about when were actually together 😂😂

Charliecatpaws · 01/11/2019 23:53

DH is a paramedic so wouldn’t contact him unless it was an emergency, he occasionally calls me when on a night shift when he has meal break for a chat, that is very occasionally as getting food down his neck is more important. Can't be bothered to txt unless there’s a reason. Love the time we spend together tho

raffle · 01/11/2019 23:56

We text a lot during our work day. Usually ring once or twice too. If we are out separately we text too. We are mid 40s and have been together 21years. Think we are just used to constant contact!

FilthyBiscuit · 02/11/2019 00:01

This is probably just as weird but I've been with DP for over a year and we've only spoken on the phone twice. I hate talking on the phone!

JenniferM1989 · 02/11/2019 00:06

Hang on a minute Therarestone, if we were talking about a man face timing his female partner and asking to talk to her friends while she was out, no one would be saying mind your own business, they would be worried about her welfare and calling the man controlling. It's not a different set of rules you know. Women are just insecure apparently when they behave like this but men are full blown controlling abusers when they do it

MitziK · 02/11/2019 07:31

Dp has phoned once when I had gone in during a week off, panicking about some bill he'd received.

He's texted me more recently, but sometimes I only get a chance to check about five minutes before I see him.

Bollocks to phone calls at work. Possibly if I were trapped and waiting for the emergency services, but other than that, no way.

Poppinjay · 02/11/2019 10:42

Are they happy with the way their relationships work?

People in coercive controlling relationships will often say that they are happy, even though they are being subjected to appalling control and abuse.

ClemDanFanGoul · 02/11/2019 10:46

I forget DH exists until he comes home

FrankenCat · 02/11/2019 11:28

I'm not allowed to use my phone in work time so DH only texts if there's a problem happened maybe once or twice. Same with DH. He's ridiculously busy in work so only ever if there's a problem. He'll text to say when he's leaving as he has to drive a horrible road that always has loads of accidents. But other than that we don't text or call each other in work.

On a night out (he never goes out through his choice. He's not the most sociable with other people and doesn't ever drink so we only ever go out together for meals, cinema etc) but if I go out with the girls for a meal - rarely maybe once a year or so, then he'll message around the time I said I'd be leaving to make sure I'm ok, then I'll message to say I'm leaving or when to pick me up. But he never pesters me with messages like I've seen with other people.

Vulpine · 02/11/2019 11:53

People who take calls from their partners when they're with me, gets on my nerves. Its usually their dh asking them a really mundane question. Just text ffs

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