I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with my boss

[DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain]

This really isn't intended to undermine the very real horror of emotionally abusive relationships, but I don't know how else to describe it.

He gaslights me, he manipulates me, he lies to me and about me. He's convinced me that other people have issues with me but that he's had my back. He lets other people think I've criticised them/their work.

He loves to 'save me' from situations and will give me all his time and attention making me feel special, then cut me off or publicly undermine me. He withholds permission for me to go to meetings or on trips making me doubt my abilities. I'm often waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially if I upset him.

Yet he invited confidences and we have a completely open relationship and can say anything. He emails and texts me at all hours, often not about work, but if I need him in an emergency then I have to work for it.

And yet I'm still here after many years. Because of stereotypical things like 'he's nice most of the time' or because I'm left feeling like it's my fault or I've misunderstood or he's not really that bad.

Am I nuts? Is this a thing? Can you be in an emotionally abusive relationship that isn't romantic/sexual in nature?

I think you can. In fact my last workplace as a whole was very toxic and abusive. Management would spend half their time pulling us down and the other half praising us. They were super controlling over every little thing. They would “gaslight” us by trying to deny that they said one thing one week then changed it the next. So I can easily believe that this is happening in your situation on a !-1 basis when my entire company managed to treat all their staff that way. I left in the end, and I wasn’t the only one by far. I have actually been in an abusive relationship and when I realised my work was making me feel how I felt back then I knew it was time to go.

I think you need to see staff support or HR.
This sounds very wrong.

Abusive men are not just abusive at home.

Please speak to HR.

We don't have a HR team, and he's not just my direct line manager, he's also my Chief Exec. I'm looking for a new job but I keep swinging between realising all this, and thinking I'm overreacting to it all, or it's a misunderstanding, or maybe he hasn't lied others have.

But either way I know we don't have a professional relationship (no boundaries and I'm a lot younger then him but it's been this way since I started as a new grad) so something needs to change

Definitely time for a new job. Yes that is an seriously dysfunctional and abusive professional relationship - especially considering you've been there since a grad.

Get job hunting asap

Whatever it is it's not normal and definitely toxic, I'd be looking to get out asap.

Follow up with recruiters and keep actively searching on LinkedIn jobs

Has anyone else been in something similar? How do I know I'm not just being dramatic/reading into things because I've read so much about EA relationships on MN?

Not totally the same but my ex boss used to like to know how we worked and what made us tick so he could abuse that. He actually sat down and told me in an annual review that "I haven't had a good year" made out he was doing this massive thing by giving me a small pay rise and that I should be super grateful. He knew I'd been going through fertility treatment that in itself was a huge strain but he took the opportunity to make me constantly feel worse and he knew it. He made me feel like shit every single day and I wasn't allowed to be ill, if I was I still had to work. My mental health has suffered massively due to how he treated me and unfortunately the company has a high turn over due to how he also treats others. You either work like him, eating and breathing the company or treated poorly if you didn't agree with something.
Your relationship with you boss is toxic and you need to leave. Immediately.

Look at the Ask a manager website, there are a lot of stories of toxic abusive workplaces in her letters

@YouBoggleMyMind I could have written what you wrote. I’m now back about work after having my baby but not sure what to do. Constantly acting like they are doing me a massive favour, constantly moving the bar on payrise and objectives. My mat cover quite after 3 months and apparently it’s cod she was a ‘psycho’ nothing to do with them

Absolutely. The most practised one at this was a female boss.

Unfortunately for her/me, I've been there before with too many people, male and female, and I clocked it from the moment she swept into the room. So I learned very quickly what things made my life easier (they gave her something she wanted and I didn't mind doing them) and, sadly, because these people always seem to be in a position of authority, she turned her attention towards others whilst I kept taking deep breaths, putting on a smile and taking smoothly evasive action every time I heard her approaching, so I only dealt with her when I had absolutely no choice about the matter. By the time she had run out of other people to do it to, staffing was at a level that she was entirely dependent upon me for far more than ever before, so she couldn't afford to be abusive anymore.

And then I was made redundant, much to her horror - she'd probably slagged me off to so many people, claimed credit for so much of my work, that they were absolutely certain I was superfluous to requirements and she was just being nice, trying to get them to keep me on. Three days after my last day, disaster struck and I wasn't there to deal with it. And again, two weeks later, five weeks later - so many things happened that before, I wouldn't have let happen in the first place, but where she'd been 'oh, Mitzi's a funny one with her concerns, isn't she? It's never been a problem since I've been here', it was now blatantly obvious that Mitzi was fucking right all along and Mitzi was fucking sorting these things out for her all the time. And then her own, personal responsibilities were the subject of a truly damning independent report.

She pitched up at a similar place a few months later. As a junior member of staff.

The last straw was getting so unwell with a chest infection, taking no time off and then getting shingles and again taking no time off. Morale in the office was so low and my boss told me it was my responsibility to keep my desk pod happy (like I was paid to be some sort of cheerleader?!). I frequently spent time with younger grads in tears. Funnily enough they all left. The company hasn't grown or changed since I left 3 years ago and unfortunately how I was treated was carried through to my next job and a little bit of the new job I started in July. Luckily my new bosses are really supportive and understanding of family life and life in general.

Sounds toxic, poor you.
I recently changed jobs, left teaching to go in to a completey different field. Possibly because I have spent most of my time in the company of children I have now found myself shocked at how some people behave in the workplace.
The inflated ego's, people full of a sense of their own importance, blowing their own trumpet's...
What is the matter with people in that they have to feel superior? Why can't they be straightforward and plain honest?
One manager who thankfully in no way manages me is particularly toxic. Her tone never changes when speaking.... always so sickly sweet, the smile and expression always stay the same. She will ask / say something then deny she ever said it. Pretends to be everyone's best friend but stabs them in the back. Luckily I noticed this very early on so I watch my back.

Your stories make me feel like I'm overreacting.

I don't get treated badly like that - I can take sick leave when needed and actually when I ended up in A&E last month he offered to come get me/bring me what I needed etc.

He's never cruel or insulting to me, but it's like trying to keep afloat. As long as I'm 'in cahoots' with him all is rosy, but only on the surface. Now I look back and feel that those rosy times were designed to keep me on his side, and were artificially created by him 'giving me' pay rises/promotions/more work while letting me know that he was keeping me safe from others.

Now that I've stepped out of line (we've had a disagreement) we've not spoken in weeks, I'm out of the circle, everything's harder to get done.

But I suppose that's just normal when you're at odds with someone.

No, it is not normal at work. It's why the idea of.being "professional" is important.

The way your boss is behaving is unprofessional and has long been so. And yes, you should definitely be job searching, even more so if you are hoping to build a career.

I had this from a female boss. She didn't like that I was still in touch with her predecessor, and wanted to bring her own person in, but had no reason to sack me. So the gas lighting, the nitpicking, the bullying began, all the time while pretending to be my "mate". I started to get anxiety, couldn't deal with that, and she just capitalised on it and ramped up the abuse even more.

Eventually I managed a move to a different department. Six months later she closed the department and I asked for redundancy and got it. I had a month off to recover, then got a job with better pay, better working conditions, better pension, better holidays, and most importantly, a better boss. It's the best move I've ever made. I hate her for what she did to me - by the end I was literally questioning my sanity.

He's controlling and manipulative, you could always unpick what he's doing and play him back but it's probably not worth it because he's in a position of power and why waste your time with all that shit

My sympathies. I've had a boss like this. Start looking elsewhere now, spruce up your cv and be prepared to sell yourself. It's no way to live. I did it for 7 years. In that time 4 people resigned, with no other job to go to - all brilliant members of staff with great skills and knowledge. The boss managed to get them out without paying them a penny. Is it a family business by any chance???

Some men are just controlling arseholes wherever they are - get away from this one as soon as you can - you will lose belief in yourself otherwise.

Just leave. Make it your priority. You can’t change him or persuade him to behave in a non-toxic manner.

Get a new job and don’t look back.

I have been in this situation with my business partner. I thought he was a very good friend and when we were working together it felt like us against the world. I could’ve written your post actually. He lied and spun things to get his own way. I started recording conversations and keeping detailed notes of meetings because he made me doubt my sanity through denials and constant gaslighting. It was nothing big to begin with, and, like you, I felt like I was making a fuss over nothing, so I found it really difficult to confront him (and when I did he would lie despite hard evidence). After I while I realised I was changing my behaviour to keep the peace and keep him happy, and when I really did start to question and keep notes of the things he did (and how much my own happiness at work was dependent on his mood), I decided it was time to change. It ended up going badly, he left the company and I thought I would miss him as a friend but I haven’t missed him at all, and when I see things like this I realise how much better my life is now because I’m not a big part player in someone else’s petty games.

*Bit part not big part!

I had a boss who employed emotional abuse tactics to our professional relationship. He gaslighted me, lied to me about what other people were saying about me, lied to other people about what I was saying, threatened me (if you were a bloke I’d have knocked you out by now), called me in out of hours to discuss the ‘issues’ we were having and ultimately ruined my career. He framed it as a ‘personality clash’ because I refused to go along with his lying and manipulation of situations to improve his own profile and he spent 18 months trying to beat me down. In retrospect it was 100% bullying and it was largely down to the fact that he believed women had no place in our organisation, although he was also pretty toxic to the men who worked for him. I have never worked in such a miserable, downtrodden, unproductive environment. It was horrendous, and sadly he got away with it and actually got promoted.

He framed it as a ‘personality clash’ because I refused to go along with his lying and manipulation of situations to improve his own profile and he spent 18 months trying to beat me down. In retrospect it was 100% bullying

I think it's stuff like this that confuses me. That's clearly horrific and he's an arsehole.

Mine tells me how well we work together, he confides in me about his personal life - stuff no other colleagues know - and makes it clear how much he relies on me and how much I help him.

How do I know I'm not just being dramatic/reading into things because I've read so much about EA relationships on MN? Start keeping a diary. That will build up a picture for you. I had a bullying boss once. It was very hard to complain because he rarely did anything you could point at as unreasonable, it was the constant drip drip of minor nastiness, nothing that could in itself be complained of. But it was long ago, before workplace bullying was recognised, so I concentrated on being "professional", and ended up off work for 18months with stress and depression.