AIBU not to give my DD (16m) anything else for dinner

[MeadowHay]

She's a fairly fussy eater and often only eats certain components of a meal. This evening she went to her high chair, signalling hunger, and cried the whole time I was heating her dinner (leftovers). I gave it to her and she picked off a few chunks of a veg she likes (it's a soup) and refused to eat any more and threw a huge tantrum. She has eaten this soup fine before a few weeks ago but she is getting fussier and fussier as time goes on. I absolutely do not want to reinforce this by making her an alternative dinner and then having to continue doing this when she learns she can get away with it. But I feel awful at the thought of her going to bed hungry with her being so small.

More of a WWYD really.

Haha no offence taken, it's actually a relative's leftovers not ours so she hasnt eaten it for weeks so def wasn't boredom

DS lived on a diet of cheesey pasta and carrots when he was small. He’ll eat anything now.

Also I know I shouldn't compare but the small sample size of other similarly aged children I know all eat anything they're given. To the point where DD's diet has become a topic of conversation amongst the parents which is embarrassing and stressful. So I feel more worried when I see the other kids eating everything and mine shouting no and throwing it everywhere and living off a fairly restrictive diet.

Hi Op,

I really feel for you; it’s exhausting when children consistently refuse to eat. If she’s always been like this it’s unlikely to be ‘fussiness’ and more likely that she struggles with certain tastes/textures/flavours, possibly even temperature of foods.
Imagine having very little language/communication (Eg being abroad & not speaking the language) and then having someone constantly trying to give you food you don’t like. Imagine how frustrating that would feel every mealtime. That’s probably how she feels.
I’d definitely recommend giving her plenty before bed & as she gets bigger get her involved in preparing food & allowing her to choose from a few parts of a meal as a pp said. It’ll make it much less stressful all round! Good much

When did your fussies stop being fussy? I know people say they will grow out of it but for the most part all my relatives who were fussy in childhood have continued. None of them suddenly became better eaters. It's awful trying to eat out with them as they hardly eat anything and food events always have to pander to them where we go etc.

Coffee yeah but it is getting worse too, some things she used to eat she won't anymore, which I also don't understand. E.g. peas, this particular soup. And she will eat anything sweet until she is physically sick which we found out the hard way. So on the one hand she will eat sweet food til she is sick with no ability to regulate her appetite and in the other hand she won't even try a long long list of savoury food. And all of this despite a baby-led approach to weaning.

Her fussiness is a natural developmental stage. Once they get to the fully mobile/toddling stage it is almost like a natural selection - to be wary of what one is eating as you are not with your parent 24/7. Back in the cave-days if you have wandered off and found some red berries the fussy ones survived to pass on their genes....the eat-anything-now-I'm-toddling may not have been so lucky.

So you have an intelligent DD. She is a surviver .

As PP have said - don't make food a battle. If there is a big kick off from her just do a breezy "Oh, silly mummy, forgot to give you the bread and butter/cracker/rice cake/lump of cheese (whatever it is she will eat) to go with it. Here you go." Keep offering her new stuff. Don't make a new meal if she won't eat it - but always try to have something on offer that she does eat and will fill her up a bit. A banana for pudding is always a good bet.

She will get over it.

My DD has always been a good eater, DS not so much. We try and eat together as much as possible as I think it encourages him. I always include one or two things he'll eat. I never push him or coax him too much because he'll then resist more. If he doesn't eat its no big deal. I give plenty of praise when he's eating well. I'll give him a bowl of full fat greek yoghurt with grapes or banana for dessert if he didn't eat much. Sleep beats everything in this house, I'd never send him to bed hungry.

She's still so little, don't worry about it. I doubt she'll be like it forever.

Haven't you ever planned something and then just not fancied it for whatever reason? Maybe she just didn't want soup.

I'm not well at the moment and most of what I planned this week, I simply haven't wanted. If I've made dinner from the meal plan , I've mostly just picked it then eaten toast or chocolate.

Just offer her a sandwich/fruit/porridge instead

I'd probably turn down soup for dinner tonight too, I wouldn't fancy it.

Agree with others - just offer something she likes along side something else.

My toddler is quite fussy. Yesterday, I made beef casserole with vegetables. I served his with homemade chips and some grated cheese, both of which he'll gobble down with gusto, then fruit and yoghurt like he has every single night. I'd rather he had something before bed and I try not to make food a battle. He point blank refuses to eat soup but I offer it regularly at this time of year, alongside cheese on toast. I hope if I keep exposing/offering it to him, one D he'll click and try some but if he doesn't yet, not going to make a big deal with it.

She's a baby- she'll grow out of it - feed her, otherwise you'll be up with her in the night when she's hungry. We sometimes don't fancy something for tea that we'd normally eat & like - why can't she be the same?

Have you heard of ARFID? It can have multiple causes and it not well understood but in some cases it can have a genetic component. Children may be be super tasters or have sensory issues with food, all of which is inherited.

My DS has ARFID so I completely understand your stress and worries, but guess what? Being stressed and feeling worried will only make things worse. The more you stress and fuss, the more your Dd will stress. She may grow out of this phase or it may be with her for life, no one can tell you now what it will be and you are not responsible for what she chooses to eat. You cannot magically make her an adventurous eater.

Please look up Direction of Responsibility. It won’t solve her food issues overnight but it will give you a better way of handling food issues and may lead to some improvements. At the very least you will feel less stressed about it all.

Agree that you should give an alternative at 16 mo. I tried to battle with dd1 for the same reasons you are, but was much more relaxed with dd2. They both eat well with little fussiness, but dd2 was a nicer experience. Imo, fussy habits develop at about 2/3. Before then, they are still learning.

I feel for you. I have an extremely fussy 2yo.
I don’t think not giving her anything else is a bad thing, she’s hungry and you’ve provided her with food- she’s choosing not to eat it.

My 2yo won’t even try anything because he knows he’ll get offered something else.

It’s a nightmare.
Don’t feel bad for not offering her anything. You’re providing her with what she’s asking for- food.

Have you tried to pretend you’ll eat it instead? That sometimes helps.

My dd1 as a tiny tot are what was put in front of her. Between 2 And 3 she would only eat stuff that was made by findus and birds eye and chips. Tomato ketchup was a major food group. By 4 she was eating a broader range of food.

I think at 16 months old, many children go through fussy phases, they are still learning and are developing. I think it is important not to make too big a deal of it.

Yes we almost always eat together and when we eat together we always eat the same food. It does help a little bit, occasionally she will try something new mid way through a meal if she sees me eating it. But not always and even then her 'try' is just putting her mouth on it for one sec and pulling a face of disgust and refusing to chew or swallow any so not really a try...jelly has yours always been fussy? Sorry to hear how difficult it is.

Never heard of that acronym or direction of responsibility I will look them up.

Thank you to everyone who was polite and gave me their opinion and suggestions without anything rude like 'ffs' in their comment. I have had a lot of good support from MN but some people really are unnecessarily rude and nasty keyboard warriors.

she's a baby. Yabu

Yeah he’s always been fussy. I know people are saying don’t make a big deal of it and give her something else but I think that’s counter productive, by giving her something else you’re making a deal out of it.

She’s not going to starve after missing one meal. Christ my son lived off crumbs and his milk until 18 months old and my HV didn’t bat an eyelid.

Children don’t need much food at 16 months. Honestly if you’re providing her a meal you’re doing your side of the bargain, if she doesn’t eat it that’s the choice she is making.

DS was fussy right from the start, he refused most foods I tried when I started weaning. I would look at the other babies who ate everything and it would really get me down. However, there were a few mums in the same situation, so at least I didn't feel alone. I don't think it's that rare for toddlers to be very fussy. I understand how stressful it is, it's so hard to stay relaxed. Most kids do grow out of this phase, try to remember that. DS gradually increased the range of foods he would eat, he started to improve at around 2 years old when he started nursery. The improvement was very slow, but now he's 5 and will try most new foods, and eating out is never a problem. We had some sushi last week!
I have also found that many babies who are enthusiastic about food initially have a fussy phase later.

I feel your pain. I have a 23 month old DS and he started getting picky around 15 months and has stuck at it since then. To add insult to injury, he seems to eat a much wider variety of foods at nursery 🙄

What I have read that has helped me, is:

• as the parent you are responsible for making sure they have access to a variety of foods - they are responsible for what they choose to eat. If you provide them with carbs, protein and veg, and they only eat the carbs, so be it 🤷‍♀️
• dont "second cook" ie, don't make them a separate meal, just include something you know they'll eat with every meal. Even if that's toast on the side, or ending every meal with a yogurt / fruit.
• don't beg, plead, cajole, bargain, discuss, or get cross. Chat about anything other than food at the table.
• you can always offer extra food as "supper" to fill them up.
• I don't let my boy go hungry. I think he's too young still to understand "it's this or nothing", and all that happens is he wakes up early and is then tired by next dinner time and eats less etc.

But my god it's frustrating.

@sar302
‘I don’t let my boy go hungry’ - it’s not your fault he’s not eating it.

I think this is part of the stress of a fussy child, blaming ourselves.

Op
You will come across this thread in a few years and you will shudder that you ever thought you’d send your 16 month old baby to bed without a proper dinner because she was fussy at dinner time