My son loves my mother in law more than me

[Meriem14]

I live with my in laws can't afford to move , they are good people and they help a lot with my son. As a wife and for cultural reasons I cook for my husband and I (my sole responsibility) after giving birth I was up the next day cooking and cleaning and taking care of my newborn who had jaundice after three days and spent time at the hospital later on for it, my first few months with him were chaotic and sad I had really bad Postpartum depression and suffered from and infection that was hospitalised for during these hard times j would clean cook and care for my husband and child but my mother in law looked after my son most of the time not by choice but because I had my "duties" to fulfill I wasn't able to continue breastfeeding even though I have tried soooo hard to relactate and keep it going but there was nothing there that and with the time missing between me and my son I feel as I have lost touch with him as.if he doesn't know me or want me. Am I going crazy here? Can he think my mother in law is his mother ? What do I do about this? Can I fix it ? I love him so much and don't want to lose him It's breaking me to pieces seeing how he is with her Vs me ! What have I done wrong I feel as this is all Amy fault because if my situation! Please help me

How old is your son?

Well a lot of stay at home mums are the main cook and ceaner so stop using that excuse. Take time with your child and bond with them. Play with them. Talk to baby as you change nappies. sing to baby in the bath. Take baby to groups or walks in park carry baby. Ask mil to help more with the chores so you can do more childcare.And worth mentioning to your hV as there may be some postnatel depression going on fro which you can get help. Also speak to husband I understand you may have agreed as a family about roles, but circumstances may mean roles have to change.

Ask your MIL to do the cooking and cleaning and you can then spend more time with your son instead.
It may be 'cultural reasons' that you have been doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking since having your baby but you still have a choice in the matter.
You are an independent adult and you can say NO.

Are you from abroad and don't feel that you can change the cultural way the house is run? If so I understand completely as I know two young mums who got stuck in similar situations.
Bath times and bedtimes are an excellent chance to strengthen your relationship with lo. How old is he? Maybe start taking him out to playgroups and even just long walks in the pram

Have you spoken to your partner? What does he do to help lighten your load and ensure you have time to spend with your son? It’s reasonable of your MIL not to do your cooking and cleaning but entirely unreasonable for your partner to leave it all to you - he should be doing his share.

Can you carry your son in a sling/ pop him near you in a high chair while you cook/ do various chores and talk and sing to him? Doesn’t matter whether he’s too little to talk back- just chat about what you’re doing and give lots of eye contact.

It’s tough if you don’t feel in tune with the cultural expectations. But these are simple things that you can do to help, and which many SAHP do as they’re usually going to be the one doing cooking, laundry etc

Why cant you move out? Two adults and one child, it can't be that difficult. Do you work? If not I don't understand why your MIL has your child so much.

Am not sure what culture you come from and how it works but if you can try suggest you need time to bond with your baby - bath time / nap time - it’s your baby too and be strong

Honestly, I know you can't afford to move out but I think living with your in laws is a huge mistake. You need to prioritise moving out and having your own space, then you can plan your day around your baby and tidy/cook etc when your baby is napping and/or your husband is home. Your MIL simply shouldn't be looking after your baby all day, and you shouldn't have let that go on. You're the mum, you need to get a backbone and start standing up for whats right for you and your family.

I think you've allowed yourself to fall into archaic wife roles that no longer exist for many of us. Your in laws are taking over your family. You have no say or control over anything because it's not your home and you're a guest there. Things simply will not change until you move out. Your husband also needs to have a word with his parents and tell his MIL to back off. You might think she's just trying to help, but would actually be helpful is helping you with the cooking or tidying... not mothering your child day in day out.

Prioritise moving out above anything else. Save every penny you have to leave. If your partner doesn't want to leave then you have a partner problem and he needs to step up and support you. It doesn't seem like your partner does much and that really does need to change.

How much cleaning do you do everyday that stops you bonding with your son? We are a similar culture, I cook, clean, do all the child care for 4 children and work part time for the family business from home. Does cooking and cleaning take all your day? If so that needs to change

Ahh bless. Your son will know you are his mum. You do have to spend time with him though. The sling is a great idea. Do you get cuddles in the morning/bed time with him? Bathing etc. I was definitely sensitive to my children having bonds with others but I promise you they know who mummy is.

Maybe begin by taking turns at cooking/childcare? Then when mil has got used to the change take him out more yourself to the park and baby groups so that gradually he spends more time with you than mil. Of course you should have your baby most of the time but if there are cultural issues where you have to share a home a gradual change might work best. If you struggle to implement the changes you want get support from hv and/or gp. They would certainly be willing to stress to inlaws that you need more time with your baby. Good luck op.

Baby groups are a great idea. Is that something you would feel confident to do OP? Do you have a peer support network? Eg other friends (away from in laws) who also have babies?

Ahhhh give yourself a break. Parenting is a long term game. You've had a bad start but it'll get better. Just be good to yourself and it'll evolve x

For a variety of reasons, I felt like this with my first child. I had troubles with breastfeeding and so the majority of looking after my child rested on my mil whilst I expressed in order to provide milk. I also come from a cultural background where I lived with my in laws and was expected to make time to take part in the house chores. Once I stopped expressing, I took back control and decided to pour myself into being mum, I spent hours reading books and playing with my baby. It was hard and I had a lot of negative feelings about the first few months of my child's life and I would also, like you, beat myself up about it. Now, my child is 7, we have moved away from the in laws (we moved after about a year and a half of my giving birth) and my bond with my child is very strong.

I would say to definitely make your child your priority and take time alone with them away from in laws so that you can take control of your relationship with your child.

Is your mil loving and caring? A child can never have too many people love them. Don’t worry about your ds loving her more. It may be a feeling not real and even if it were remotely true, nothing is ever un fixable. You sound very down. As others have said you need to start spending time with your ds and putting your relationship with him first. Go and talk to your health visitor at the next clinic. There are normally ones relatively local weekly.

Thank you so much for your answers you have really helped! So far I have organised my day to spend time with baby especially when MIL is away at work. I make sure eye contact is there and I talk and sing to him all the time, it is improving but he still gets over excited when he sees MIL. To answer some questions my husband is very ill hence why he does not help with the chores and why we cannot move out straight away, I am saving every penny and doing my best to save up to move out and start on my own as that would be the best thing. MIL never offered or accepted to help with my chores she would just say well I'll look after him and you do your chores. I hated that but I make sure I am my baby's main carer now even if she is at home I will always stop whatever it is to feed him and change nappy and put him down for his naps . Taking him along to do the chores is a great idea and will give me more time with him. I am also planning to start going to groups and all sorts to have more time out with him away from the stresses of life , I live in Bradford and my son is 5 months old so if you do have any suggestions please pass them along. And no I have no friends or a support group to help with how I feel. I love my ds to bits and I am willing to do anything for him but I do want to enjoy him growing up before looking into jobs (plan is to start looking when he is about to turn one). Thank you again for all your kind words

This kind of set up is not usual in the Indian / Pakistani community. Usually the daughter in laws go to their own families with the baby for 4-6 weeks. Or the mil will pick up the household chores and allow you to focus on breastfeeding / caring for the baby. Is there a reason why this isn’t happening? Are you of the same culture as the family or a different one?

I suggest if you are of the same culture as the rest of the family and have good relationships with other extended family you mention it. The mil will be shamed extensively

Get a baby carrier that you can strap him into while you do so if the chores. Both of my kids loved to sleep in their baby carrier snuggled up against me. Great for bonding

My IL are Pakistani and I am Moroccan, j have no extended or close family in the UK everyone is either back home or some European country and my ILs don't have their extended family here either so there are no elders to go to. After I gave birth by two weeks my mum visited and stayed for a month imagine that I had to clean her room and sort it all out as no one bothered to do it and when she came other than the intial dinner MIL and I made they couldn't even host her right they always asked "oh so how long are you staying?" They made her feel so uncomfortable and she couldn't even cook for me because everytim e she tried FIL would keep going in and out of the kitchen as if he is watching her or what she is doing and then hover over the dinning room when we are eating and Hoover etc the whole period of her stay no one bother to even make her a cup of tea I did it all for her so she doesn't feel bad and ide say MIL made it I was mentally devastated after giving birth. Now I do it all watch my son and do the chores I let him enjoy his playtime while I cook clean etc and make sure I am done by the afternoon so I spend quality time with him before bedtime but still his eye contact with me is rubbish and whenever MIL is in the room he lights up and just stars playing even if he was just crying with me and it breaks my heart! I expressed how I feel distanted from ds to her and she just stayed quiet and grinned as if she is happy about it, she had four sons and she was so tough with them ruined them all mentally and now she thinks my ds is her redeeming opportunity she is so different with him I understand she loves him but it is not her place and she should back off but I know I cannot mention anything in that tone as it will cause a huge fight and my husband is currently very ill and I don't want to create drama, what can I do to have her back off gently with no fights and have my son to myself, I know it might seem selfish but he is all I have. Like she acts as if she is the one that cares the most my ds is teething so he is in pain here and there but he can manage it and I don't like pumping him with meds all the time only ever if he really needs it and she would say things like "u just want to see him suffer" and it hurts to hear things like that

Spend less time on the chores, OP. I don’t know what possessed you to marry into that setup. They are not such good people if they expect a new mother to be cooking and cleaning. Is it an option for you to take your DS and go to a women’s shelter or back to your parents? The second option may be safer for you. I lived in Bradford for some years and what you are describing sets my alarm bells ringing.

Have a look at Family Learning in Bradford, either now or when your baby is a bit older. They run a variety of long and short courses in the city centre and in venues around the city. This is a great way to meet new friends and build confidence. They are sometimes able to help with childcare whilst you do a course. You can contact them at St Peter's House.

this happened to my mother 40 years ago (Indian as were her PILS living in England).
Mum had to live with them, was treated like a slave and when my older sibling was born she was Not allowed to spend time nursing the baby properly or bonding as there was always “housework” to be done (despite other, capable adults living there too). Mum had nowhere else to go. She finally broke free four years later but the damage was done, to this day my sibling is affected and struggles to form Relationships.
Please please please stand up for yourself and your child, your baby needs you.

Your MIL probably had very little control over how she raised her children so she’s trying to make up with it with yours by taking control. Your baby is not a toy and needs his mother. The sooner you move out, the better. Your husband can’t be finding this much fun either. Suggest you find ways to be outside of the house with your baby so you don’t need to spend your whole time being a domestic drudge. Find baby groups, go for a walk or make friends online to meet up with. You’ve got this. Don’t give up.