To feel totally out of my depth with ds2 - this isn't normal is it?

[hostagemum]

Ok so my username is a bit OTT but it's how I'm starting to feel. I keep having these big shouting matches with him and they get us nowhere and I know I need to stop it but I feel like he's a fucking nightmare. He's 10 btw.

Today he was up at about 8am and had 2 hours of gaming. Then I made him do something else, as per the rules. All he wants to do is 'concerts' which involves him loudly singing along to backing tracks of his favourite singer. He likes to do this in the sitting room and will insist on all lights off and the curtains drawn, so we're in the dark. It's fucking horrendous and writing it down I'm embarrassed to admit it.

To be fair, he has got better about coming out - a year or two ago he would refuse days out or tantrum first, but now he pretty much accepts they happen (and enjoys them - always has once out tbf) but we can't be out all the time, but if in this is what he insists on doing. Very little interest in anything else - even watching normal tv/a film.

I want to go out now, but have to wait for the fucking concert to end. I feel like smashing the fucking speaker.

It just feels out of control and I don't know what to do. He's sooo stubborn. All reports from school and friends' parents are that he's lovely and his behaviour is perfect. At ex's he does very little other than screen -pretty much unlimited, though ds1 tells me ex has been better about making sure they go out at least once a day.

I just feel he should be able to be doing something that doesn't dominate the whole household at least some of the time. I don't know how I got to this or how to get out of it. Help!

Proseccoinamug
That’s it! Exactly what I wanted to say really.

Thank you very much for all the replies. We went out shortly after I posted so I've just caught up with them all.

Regarding autism, I knew it would be mentioned and I have thought it myself over the years and asked for advice here under other names. I know the obsession thing resonates but some of the other symptoms and behaviours mentioned here and when I have read up really don't. I don't know...My understanding is that it is very hard to get any diagnosis without the involvement of the school, and they have no concerns about him whatsoever.

I also know he sounds like he rules the roost and that I am really weak, but it's really not like that. Over the years I have tried to instigate good habits and have dealt with various issues that have arisen. He is loads better over sticking to screen limits now and about coming out and I do much of what was suggested about telling him in advance what's going to happen, give time reminders etc. It does work but it's the constant having to deal with stuff that wears me down. Sometimes I feel like I'm always firefighting and I'll deal with a few potential tantrums calmly and sticking to guns, and then another one will come along and that will be the one where I flip. But then days/weeks will go by where everything is fine...

It's just hard being on my own. I have quite a full-on job that involves working at home and evenings/weekends (teacher) and this morning looking around at all the stuff that needs doing at home, the work I've brought home for half-term and not done, all with the usual soundtrack blaring out I had just had enough. Tomorrow we will sort out some ground-rules for concerts like we did with screen.

Another parent of a child diagnosed with autism, for whom all this is so familiar. Really.

DS diagnosed at primary school, all fairly obvious. DD, not diagnosed until 18, masked (as ASD women can present) very effectively so camhs missed her status until then, despite how very sad, upset, desperate we all were.

I have an 11 year old in high school who still tantrums too.. it’s hard op when they’re big (mine is nearly bigger than me) we’ve found best thing to do is just stand firm, don’t react and just carry on wth plans/Doug what you’re doing. Mine gets bored when he realises we don’t pander after him anymore!

Have you ever looked into PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) ? PDA is still autism but it presents differently than would normally be expected in a child on the spectrum. I know of several boys who have been diagnosed with PDA, yet had previously been rejected for an autism diagnosis.

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx