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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told the truth.

36 replies

FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 08:38

Hi,

I recently split with my partner of 16 years (married for 11 years). We have two children together age 15 & 8.

I told my 15 the truth, that his father is a serial cheat and has acquired his wealth illegally.

I did not tell him out of spite, I just feel as if he deserves to know the truth, because he was blaming me for the break up, and asking me to tell his dad to come back home.

I am done protecting him. Do you think perhaps I shouldn’t have told him the real reason?

I am feel very guilty, and over the past few weeks my mental health has deteriorated.

OP posts:
VisibleShantiLine · 01/11/2019 08:51

You've told him now, OP, so I don't think it's wise to invite comment on AIBU given your state of mind. Some posters can be very brutal when you're at your worst.

I think it's best to go into damage control with your son now and take some time for self-care. Also acknowledge that you are well rid of the man now so he can no longer cheat or put you in legal danger.

Flowers
Winterdaysarehere · 01/11/2019 08:54

At 12 +14 my dc worked their df out for themselves. Yanbu to refuse to take the blame anymore for twat ex.
Do not feel guilty.

ihateryansworld · 01/11/2019 08:56

It's done now. The best you can do is not fall into a trap we're you speak badly of their DF. They will respect you more for it in the end.

TheBigFatMermaid · 01/11/2019 08:57

I think at 15 it wouldn't have taken long for him to see it for himself, so no actual harm done.

Have you got supportive friends and family? I hope so, as it sounds like you need them!

brighteyeowl17 · 01/11/2019 08:57

I don’t see why people feel they have to lie to their children. At 15 they will be able to process this. Also prevents dad twisting things later on.

bluejelly · 01/11/2019 09:00

My mum told me something similar when I was 14 and she was divorcing my dad.
He was a serial cheat and I appreciated her telling me the truth. It helped me understand why they were divorcing. I was able to separate the way he treated my mum to the way he treated me, and we have a good relationship to this day.

CleanAndPaidFor · 01/11/2019 09:04

I think you did the right thing OP. I'm sure I would have done the same. The important thing is how you handle it from here on in. Don't get in the way of your children's relationship with their father- however much of a prick he is. That's up to them to negotiate. Good luck- and keep moving forward.

sirmione16 · 01/11/2019 09:06

At 15 hes likely mature enough to handle it. Plus like others have said, it's done now - don't fret or worry because you can't take it back. Just be gentle and open with any questions the 15 year old may have

Ponoka7 · 01/11/2019 09:07

Under the circumstances, no, you wasn't wrong.

Teenage boys can be difficult to deal with anyway and if he was resenting you, then you had no choice. It waa either that, or lose your relationship with him.

Just help him in any way that you can. Your ex should be helping him as well.

Is the cheating recent? Or did you stay with him? Your Son might feel that you haven't considered him when choosing to stay, so there may be further questions.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 10:07

Is the cheating recent? Or did you stay with him? Your Son might feel that you haven't considered him when choosing to stay, so there may be further questions

No the cheating isn’t recent, the first time he cheated was when our eldest son was 5, he confessed because apparently he felt guilty about doing it. (It was a time when our relationship) wasn’t so good, I forgave him because that was at the stage where I wasn’t confident to parent our son alone, I have always suffered from anxiety and OCD and our son has an illness where sometimes he can become very very ill at anytime.

And it is even harder for me now we have broken up, because I am forever having intrusive thoughts about things happening to him, even sometimes when he goes to school I call the school to check if he is ok.

Sorry for pouring my heart out to you all (I know that what I said above is a bit off the whole subject)

I am just so tired, emotionally and physically. Not to mention I now have to deal with him calling and verbally abusing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 12:05

@bluejelly

Hopefully my son did appreciate me telling him the truth, he hasn’t said anything more about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 18:57

Hi

Sorry to be a nuisance, I have spoken to him again and he has said that he is coming home and if I want him to leave that I must buy it out (we own half each of this house)

Maybe this isn’t the right place to post this, but I haven’t got anywhere or anyone to turn to.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 01/11/2019 18:59

I'd ask MN HQ to move this to relationships OP. You'll get some very helpful support there.

OnlineShopping · 01/11/2019 18:59

I think answering his questions honestly, age appropriately and factually is fine. Now you’ve answered, I wouldn’t get into discussing it further again with him.

I hope you’re ok.

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 19:05

@OnlineShopping

He asked more about it this evening, he said that he doesn’t think that his dad would ever do that, even asked me if I was sure, and how do I know etc? Also said that he doesn’t trust me.

I don’t know whether or not he has spoken to his dad or not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2019 19:08

I wouldn't lie for a fucker like that. Your children deserve (age appropriate) truth.

MillicentMartha · 01/11/2019 19:21

I told mine the truth in an age appropriate way. ExH told them that ‘mum and dad didn’t love each other anymore’ and I added that it was because ‘dad loved someone else now.’

I wish I had the sense and self control not to bad mouth him, but sometimes he was such a twat that I couldn’t help myself. I do try not to, though.

Your 15yo is old enough to know the truth, if not the gory details. If he doesn’t believe you, it’s probably because his father is lying to him. You can’t help that, though.

Ferretyone · 01/11/2019 19:59

@FinallyMovingOn

Regarding the "returning home" you have a difficult situation. Without some form of court order you cannot simply refuse him access. Depending on the legal title you and he have rights in the home. If [in England] you own the house as "joint tenants" you own the whole home jointly. If you [unlikely if married] own as "tenants in common" you own a share each and could do what you like. You do need legal advice. If you decide to divorce then the "starting point" is a 50:50 split but can be more or less. The court "can" order a sale either now or later

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 20:40

@AnyFucker

Thanks Smile I just know that he is now going to turn the children against me. I think my eldest son will want to go and spend the weekend with him, but I don’t think I’m going to let my other son go... he is all I have.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2019 21:15

I am sorry. That sounds utterly shit. Hang in there....true colours come out eventually.

isadoradancing123 · 01/11/2019 21:19

Why should you take the blame from your son, no way, his dad was the cheater not you

hoteltango · 01/11/2019 22:56

You did the right thing. At 15 he's not a child but not yet an adult. It's a difficult age that wouldn't be helped by tiptoeing around the truth. He may well alternate between wanting to be with you and wanting to be with his father, but that's understandable as he figures things out.

slipperywhensparticus · 01/11/2019 23:01

If he says he doesnt believe you say I'm sorry you feel that way but he told me himself he cheated and I dont want you thinking that that is the right way to treat a person

Yes he has the rights to return to the home but not to your bed and he needs to continue to pay his share

Is there anyway you can buy him out

slipperywhensparticus · 01/11/2019 23:03

I would be concerned my son was saying he didnt trust a parent

You sound like you need support with your mental.health please dont fixate on your 8 year old your 15 year old needs you too

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 02/11/2019 05:04

@slipperywhensparticus

Yes I could buy him out, and I definitely need help with my mental health. As I said above, I have anxiety and OCD. So in the meanwhile if he does come back I will have to let him stay Sad

OP posts: