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Original poster

To have told the truth.

36 replies

FinallyMovingOn · 01/11/2019 08:38

Hi,

I recently split with my partner of 16 years (married for 11 years). We have two children together age 15 & 8.

I told my 15 the truth, that his father is a serial cheat and has acquired his wealth illegally.

I did not tell him out of spite, I just feel as if he deserves to know the truth, because he was blaming me for the break up, and asking me to tell his dad to come back home.

I am done protecting him. Do you think perhaps I shouldn’t have told him the real reason?

I am feel very guilty, and over the past few weeks my mental health has deteriorated.

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 02/11/2019 05:11

In the situation about telling your son, I am not sure what else you could have done.

Please dint go down the road of not allowing the 8 year old to see their dad and start with the 'he is all I have'. That's not healthy, for your son.

I am glad you are going to get some more help. Separating and sorting all this out is a very difficult time. You need all the help you can get.

Pixxie7 · 02/11/2019 05:40

It is said now, but I would try some damage limitation. Unfortunately the parent left to look after the home kids etc, seems to get the short end of the stick. Eventually he will realise the truth if he doesn’t already deep down.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2019 06:34

Your 15 yo doesn’t want to believe this about his father. Idk if you have any proof but I would keep your powder dry if you do. You really don’t want to involve him any more than you have.

I also agree it is not healthy to make your children all you have. You need to let him find things out for himself. What you told him will have rocked his world. You had his younger sibling knowing that his father cheated. If he at any time found it difficult to have a younger sibling, he’s going to be having a lot of questions and anger. As the woman, who carried the child, these will be borne by you.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 02/11/2019 06:42

I'm surprised at the replies. What I have read is mother using her children as her own personal emotional crux.

A 15 year old boy has had his family fall apart. His mum has mh problems. Hes now found out his dad is cheat and doesn't want to believe it. An 8 year old is apparently all the op has left because her other son wants to see his dad.

Yes you were wrong. Perhaps their dad should move back home. He may be a rubbish husband but how about a dad?

Soontobe60 · 02/11/2019 07:08

OP, what have you achieved by telling your DS this? I'm afraid you've not done it to be honest with your son, you've done it to hurt your ex. I found out my dm left my DF for another man when I was 30, it broke my heart! If didn't matter that it was true. It takes time for children to process the massive change in their lives, and you've compounded that by giving him details that he just didn't need, certainly not yet. Anyway, the damage has been done. You can't take it back but you can talk to him about it. He needs to be reassured that his DF lives him, is a good dad and will always be his dad. When he moves back in, you must work hard together to be positive and friendly with each other when the children are in the house.
Your DH is correct, the house will either need to be sold or one of you buy the other one out. Both parents should see the children as much as possible, and of course your youngest DS must spend time at his father's, including overnight. I suggest you get used to this idea by having a night away yourself maybe with a friend.

Toffeecakes · 02/11/2019 07:17

I dont think you were wrong, at 15 he deserves the right to make an informed choice about who he spends his time with. Be factual about things, don’t focus on the emotional hurt he has caused so your DS doesn’t feel like he’s taking sides - be respectful of what he chooses to do. If he can’t quite believe that his dad would do that then you’ll just have to stand back, eventually he’ll realise for himself. You have to tread carefully now though, if his dad is denying all knowledge then he’ll paint himself as the victim and your DS will ‘side’ with him.

If your ex is coming back maybe use this as a chance to speak to him about moving forward. If you have to move out then so be it but don’t leave your children with him - that will have repercussions for you all going forward.

Good luck.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 02/11/2019 07:28

You were not wrong to tell him that his dad cheated at all. 15 is old enough to know that. It will help him to process the fact that you are not getting back together.

Sushiroller · 02/11/2019 07:30

Another, You were not wrong. It's so unhealthy to lie and at 15 he is old enough...

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 02/11/2019 08:29

If he does come back, I will be left with no choice but to leave.

I can’t have him in the house after everything he has done today.

OP posts:
Divebar · 02/11/2019 08:58

Why did you tell your son about the illegal wealth? You have presumably been living off it to some extent for the entirety of your relationship? Now that the relationship has broken down you have a problem with it and feel it’s in the best interests of your child to know the truth because you’re so noble and he obviously has a right to know. ( but for the record you’re not doing it out of spite Hmm )

Original poster
FinallyMovingOn · 02/11/2019 09:36

@Divebar

I told him about his illegal wealth because now his dad has left he still thinks he can have whatever he wants, him being spoilt ends here. I will not spoil him or give him whatever he wants when he wants it, I’m sorry. My husband on the other hand...

OP posts:
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