To think your marriage might be over if you have separate rooms?

[Hazza000]

Hubby snores on his back. He says he can only sleep comfortably on his back not his side. If he's on his side it stops but he naturally keeps rolling onto his back while he sleeps. This ends in a jab in the ribs from me when the noise starts up again.
It has led to some ferocious arguments and recently he slept in the spare room after which I said I felt if that continued all intimacy is lost and it's the beginning of the end of our 25 year marriage.
After this he bought an anti-snoring mouth guard which worked like a dream but last night he refused to wear it anymore as it's uncomfortable. He suggests I wear ear plugs which I will now try. I have also asked him to try the nasal strips but he is not keen. He wants to move into the spare room for good and I feel this will be the end of our marriage - or the beginning of the end. He is 54, not overweight at all and does not drink alcohol. We are both exhausted and arguing. AIBU?

We've had separate rooms for 13 of our 16 years together as snored like a freight train. After his snoring got so bad I could hear it from my room I insisted on a doctors appointment and going with him. Now he has a diagnosis of sleep apnoea, a cpap machine and no snoring at all. We do occasionally spend the night together now but actually prefer our separate rooms.

I'd love to have separate rooms. We both snore but my husband can sleep through anything so isn't bothered. Unfortunately I definitely can't sleep through his snoring. It drives me crazy.
I'm starting to sleep in our spare room from time to time.

It's got nothing to do with intimacy or the state of our marriage.

What @TheCraicDealer said.

With my husband's snoring, I didn't feel intimate next to him at 3am, I felt murderous. Then he was diagnosed with aleep apnea and needs a noisy CPAP machine, so my own room became a permanent thing. Win-win all round though - I get peace and quiet, he's taking care of his health. And no man pants left on my bedroom floor :)

Best to get the snoring checked out, OP.

we are just coming up to our 33rd wedding anniversary and we have slept in separate rooms for the past 20yrs.

Bedrooms are for sleeping. When we slept together we were both sleep deprived and cranky and, had we not made changes, we very possibly might be divorced by now. We are just not compatible sleeping partners.

It hasn't affected our relationship. Intimacy isn't about sleeping in the same bed.

My DH and I have been together for 11 years married for 4. The past 3 years we have gone for separate rooms. At first I was panicked about what it would mean for our relationship but if anything it’s better. There is a lot of research out there to suggest it’s not biologically ‘normal’ to share beds from an evolutionary point of view. For us it’s works because we are both getting the sleep we need. DH is a light sleeper and rolls around all night and is like laying next to a furnace. I have night terrors and talk in my sleep. It’s a combination of disaster. We start in the same bed to read and have a cuddle then he goes off to get in his own bed. On weekends I then jump in with him. Sometimes we stay together all night others not just depends. However the biggest overriding factor was that we are both nicer people when we have slept well

I don't share a bed with my DH. He is an antisocial sleeper. I'm currently pregnant, it hasn't done any harm to our intimacy. I think you have bigger problems if not sleeping in the same room spells the end of your marriage.

Separate bedrooms would be my dream! I hate sharing a bed these days and DH’s snoring is steadily getting worse - just waiting for the eldest to grow up and leave home so we have a spare room!

Yes separate rooms all the way! Has saved our marriage, not damaged it, because I now don’t want to kill the snorey fucker every morning.

Now one of us sleeps with the dog and the other with the toddler

What nonsense . Do you have some sort of separation anxiety OP? DP and I have been together 12 years and who sleeps where is of no interest to either of us as we are you know...asleep. asleep for much longer and much more soundly too it's brilliant. It's not as though we are choosing to not see each other when awake, or as though you can't be in the same bed for a time and then retire to a separate one when it's time for sleep.

I think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face to take it as some sort of rejection or signifier it's the beginning of the end. I would embrace the good night sleeps and stop making an issue where there is none, or consider why it causes such a strong reaction for you.

My parents have been in separate rooms for over 15 years due to dm snoring.It works for them,theyve been married for 40 odd years

Hi
Thanks everyone loving all the positive contributions. I guess I always thought it might spell the end because my parents slept in separate bedrooms and stayed together but their relationship was shocking also my friend did then her husband left her I guess those ppl had deeper issues from the start that actually were completely separate to their sleeping arrangements.

Nonsense. My husband and I have been in separate rooms for years and it's saved our marriage! We're approaching out Silver Wedding anniversary next year. You just have to be inventive! ;)

Well you had separate rooms before you met, and you were still attracted to him, even found him attractive enough to marry.

Why would this change just because you sleep in separate beds?

We’ve slept separately for about 5 years now due to his snoring.

It saved us. I would have ended up killing him. I vividly remember laying awake one night listening to him snore like a dump truck, on the verge of tears, after being woken up and rolling him over at least 25 times. I screamed at him to just shut the fuck up. 😳

There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I had a friend in primary school whose Mother made her partner have an operation to stop snoring. He tried the strips and whatever else but nothing worked so she made him pay for some sort of operation to stop it.

My DH also only snores on his back but a little nudge always gets him to roll over and thankfully it ends. I’d have cracked and tried ear plugs a long time ago OP. Give that a shot but it doesn’t sound as though he’s interested in helping the situation...

Separate rooms works well for us. I spent so many years tired and grumpy and resentful of OH because of that.

Plenty of marriages work well with separate rooms. If your marriage is at risk because of it, it probably would have failed anyway.

Earplugs are key!

Oh no it’s the total opposite. I no longer wake up feeling exhausted and bitter, my DH can’t help being a snorer but my god it’s infuriating to sleep next to. I now have the main bedroom (feels weirdly like a giant palatial suite now that it’s half empty), and he just sleeps in the spare but doesn’t keep his stuff in there and of course comes in for erm... visits, and we’ll watch TV in our bed, have coffee together in the morning. As soon as he’s drifting off though, he’s chucked out.

Earplugs are key!
They only work for light puffling type snoring they can't mask the full-on vibrating type snore.

We've had separate bedrooms due to DH snoring for about 20 odd years now. We would have been divorced by now if not. He could wake me up several times a night, get prodded, and he would go straight back to sleep. Me not so much. I would have killed him or divorced him. I don't do well on not much sleep and I had an almost permanent headache from being tired. We both get a good night's sleep now and still love each other to bits. Go for it.

Another vote here for him getting checked out if his snoring is really bad. Especially if it ever sounds like he's holding his breath/not breathing but then snorts very loudly again. Sleep apnoea is really common (more than 1.5 million people in the UK according to the British Lung Foundation) but also undertreated.

A male over 50 who snores loudly is at medium risk of it, even if they're not overweight. Found this out when a family member was diagnosed. Absolute bliss for everyone when it's controlled.

www.sleep-apnoea-trust.org/sleep-apnoea-information-patients/

Even if that's not the issue for you, hope you get sorted one way or another. Sleep deprivation isn't funny.

Separate rooms here too as we both snore, I also sleep badly and might spend an hours awake in the middle if the night, he gets really grumpy if I disturb him, just as I do when he gets up early for work. I love my room and my space, we spend plenty of time together during waking hours.

I really struggle if we go away and have to share a bed, depending on where we are our preference is 2 rooms (off season/apartment), 1 room 2 beds, 1 room super king. Anything less and it’s not a holiday.

My parents have had separate rooms for around 20 years.

Of he doesn't like the nasal strips - and I can see why he may be reluctant - has he tried a nasal spray. The osanor one is supposed to be good and gets results, though it may depend on the reason he snores.

DH and I have separate rooms due to the snoring issue. Our marriage is as good as it ever was! No, actually way better cos I am not tired and resentful all the time!

If it’s only for sleeping purposes then no. But it probably is the beginning of the end if one of you moves out because you don’t want that proximity to your partner.