People who present as lovely but exchange bitchy gossip

[Pitterpatterpettysteps]

Does this bother anyone else? I know a couple of people like this, both are really former friends - because I find their fraudulent personas too much to bear. But both are very popular and outgoing and really present for all the world as incredibly kind, nurturing & empathetic etc Both have loyal followers on Facebook.
But they are completely two faced and say quite spiteful things behind people’s backs. The apparent contradiction really troubles me.

Is this common? Or is it a personality disorder of some sort?

It's not a personality disorder. They just aren't very nice. It is common, I think.

Pretty common imo, rife in the all the workplaces I have been in.

I’ve just discovered that I work with one of those. Sly, backstabbing little madam although I initially thought she was lovely and that we’d become really close friends.

I’m not angry/bitter at all 🙈

It's horribly common and if your a "straight up, say it how it is" type of person it's very difficult to process.

Its taken me 50 years to learn that if anyone is going to stab you in the back, it'll be the person who smiles sweetly at you . Fucking vile.

I think they do it to get into people's confidence so they get on their right side and get more information that way.

It's like if anyone asks you what you think of something. Then that person goes around gossiping about what you just said without admitting you were just answering the question they asked.

Its taken me 50 years to learn that if anyone is going to stab you in the back, it'll be the person who smiles sweetly at you . Fucking vile.

Because it turns out they care nothing for you/about you. They are just, 'never mind' about you and your life. The fact that it means nothing to them when you are hurt by them speaks volumes.

Pretty common unfortunately. I’ve found this to usually be the case with cliquey women in offices.

I actually quit a job because of bitchy, two faced, lying work colleagues. Of the five in the clique, two of them actually present as lovely people until you get to know them!

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

I also know one of these. In the past 10 years she must have had at least 15-20 different ‘besties’. Myself being one of them. She will invite you over, offer lifts, days out with the kids, phonecalls and messages every day etc and lull you into a false sense of security. The minute your secrets or troubles are spilled she will be telling the new lined up best friend and bitching behind your back, and the pattern repeats over and over. Its quite fascinating to watch from afar.

Once she has rinsed a particular group of people, she somehow finds the next. Baby groups, school, scouting groups. All very nice and kind and helpful on the surface, a nasty little shit stirrer underneath.

Pretty common imo, rife in the all the workplaces I have been in.

Not wholly a bad thing, done right.

Our HR woman was bloody appalling. Incompetent at her job, and a nasty person*, and on top of that we were just entirely different personalities.

We still slapped on fake smiles and pleasantries in the office. Fooling no one, but everyone knew that the two of us were professionals and unlike others, would never put people in the position of witnessing a fight.

• sample offence - tore into me really viciously because I couldn't disclose board-level confidential information about a situation that was non of my creation, and that she KNEW was badly affecting my health.

Does it count as two-faced to be here saying they're two-faced, or have you used your one face to say that to them already?

I don't think its that common. Most people vent occasionally about someone that's winding them up in the workplace and occasionally there are total personality clashes but I've never really come across a serious case of nice to your face, nasty behind your back behaviour, either at work or in my private life.

Actually very common. There are many at my work but one in particular who had me fooled in the beginning.

She trots out the same nonsense each time. It's like clockwork. For women she'll dish out exaggerated compliments about their clothes/appearance, then the second they walk off she'll nudge and wink with those standing with her about how dumb they are. For men she'll joke around and play a bit of a clown, then the second they walk off she'll call them arse-kissers or hopeless. She even makes jokes about a colleague being on the spectrum, though it's completely speculation.

Problem is, people go along with it not realising she's doing it to them as well. I think they think they're part of an exclusive club of cool kids without realising she's playing them off against each other. I'm sure she'd done it to me and I avoid her as much as possible. It's all so silly. Really. And gives me whiplash. No idea how she lives with herself swinging back and forth all day like that.

pipistrelle I know exactly what the OP means. I do not like confrontation so it would take a lot for me to call someone two-faced to their face.

I have shared an office with a Two-Faced Person and witnessed, for example, the vicious tirades and character assassination against Sarah from Accounts - Sarah having just left the room after having the most gushing, warm, BFF conversation with TFP. I am talking about things like making up rumours about the paternity of people's babies, questioning mental health diagnoses, starting talk about people they are jealous of having an affair wih a senior manager (for example not knowing they are gay).

When faced with that I would disagree firmly, let an uncomfortable silence grow or get up and leave the room. Lord knows what she said behind my back. I have never said anything about this person to others who know her - she is very popular and presents super friendly - but I guess an anonymous forum is probably the best place to discuss this peculiar character.

My sil is like this. Takes great pleasure in being the popular daughter in law yet back chats about the very people she pretends to be besties with. Due to not enough tables being put out at a recent wedding she was sat with family friends rather than the rest of the family, was chatty and friendly. Then came up to me and bitches that she was pissed off that she was sat with 'nobody's' and that she was sat opposite a particular man that wasn't a great sight. She kept complimenting his wife on her outfit which was lush but then commented that she was overdressed and didn't have the figure to carry off the outfit. Said woman has a 3 month old baby and is a heck of a lot slimmer than sil. She then went up to said couple and started posing for pictures! This is why I give her a wide berth. I just can't handle the fakeness, why is it so hard for people to be genuine? Yanbu

I am polite to people I don't like, aim to be respectful but won't go over and above as I see that as being too faced.

I think it’s common, I actually dread to think what one woman has said about me, because quite a few other mothers at school don’t speak to me, and they are all her friends.
You just have to get on with it, and hope people don’t really believe lies spreads about you ( they probably do )

I also think it’s a personality disorder.

I have something similar with a school mum. I thought we were getting on and bonding over silly/embarrassing things our kids said. It wasn't a secret as such, more stuff you wouldn't want repeating. And then DP bumped into her and she was telling her friend, who doesn't know us at all, all the things my DC had been saying. I was furious.

As @MissDew says, I think it's this:
I think they do it to get into people's confidence so they get on their right side and get more information that way. but I find it horrifying and have more or less cut her out which is awkward at school but I can't be hanging out with people like that. Thankfully I don't gossip or slag people off or god knows what would be coming back at me.

Most people are indiscrete. Indiscretion is a personality trait that I find extremely unattractive. I don't mind having a bit of a natter with my bfs, sister, mum or husband because I know it will just stay with them and not be gossiped about. But many women and fewer men love the way sharing out gossipy information makes them feel, they thrive on it, it's really weird but super common. It makes me feel like the odd one out because I don't enjoy this as I'd feel mean.

I had 'friends' in the past who moaned and moaned about minor imperfections of others and I realised they provably talk the same shit about me to the other mums / colleagues etc. so distanced myself.

Some people feel better about themselves when they put other down.

Common in people who never grew up

I'm in a small team at work,there's just 6 of us. We were all in the works private facebook group. One of the team said the other day ''there were so many messages in the facebook app last night,they are a bunch of nutters' ,.on the other hand haven't seen a single message for at least 6 weeks. I said as much to her,but she didn't answer. Conclusion...they made another private works group and didn't invite me on. They are pretty tight knit and I suspect I'm the only one they've excluded. They are all nicey nicey to my face. I've been feeling paranoid at work. Bunch of bitches.

No personality disorder. Just 2 faced people i'm afraid. Don't trust them with personal information!

I'll be honest and say I used to do this when I was much younger. I was very insecure and I think I wanted to fit in. The result was of course, that in the long run I didn't. Thankfully, I grew up.