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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DS to spend time alone with my EX-FIL

34 replies

Kiki92 · 31/10/2019 09:55

DH and I aren't together anymore. He packed up and cleared off 6 months ago. He doesn't see DS (18 months) and he's made it clear that he won't be. I still make sure that DS spends time with his paternal grandparents however.

Every other weekend we spend time with my ex-FIL. For the most part it's fine, but he's terribly backward in his thinking and it concerns me.. He makes A LOT of racist, sexist, homophobic comments... Last weekend I was showing him photos I'd taken of DS recently. He said "That'll be one to show his girlfriends when he's older." I responded with "Or his boyfriends." FIL scowled at me and begun a rant about how he wouldn't want a gay grandchild... During his visit he also had a rant about "those goddamn immigrants".

Comments like this aren't in isolation.. DS loves to play with dolls and this disgusts FIL. DS is also having a play kitchen for Christmas, which I've been informed is "inappropriate, because it's a girl's toy. Boys should play with cars and balls."

Currently I'm always there when DS sees his grandad and I cope with that. I'm able to challenge him when he makes his backwards comments... Ex-FIL however, is desperate to spend alone time with DS however, and this makes me wary.

I know that DS is too young to be aware of the hateful comments, but it won't be long until he is.. I'm raising him to be tolerant and liberal. Ex-FIL's beliefs are damaging and I don't want them drip-fed to DS.

So, AIBU in currently refusing the alone-time that ex-FIL craves?

OP posts:
SmileyGiraffe · 31/10/2019 10:09

No, he's a bigoted old bastard who doesn't deserve the opportunity to pass on his horrific opinions.

Why let him have even supervised time?

Sunshinegirl82 · 31/10/2019 10:13

I'm not sure I'd be seeing him as often as once a fortnight never mind unsupervised!

I'd start to cut it back a bit. Once a pattern is established it's hard to break and given that he's a tricky character I'd be particularly wary of that. Plus you never know how things might pan out for you in the future, it probably won't always be convenient to go and listen to ex-FIL's racist rantings every fortnight.

My DC see my PIL about every 6 weeks or so due to distance. They still have a relationship and get on well.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 31/10/2019 10:36

Why are you letting someone so toxic near your ds?

Thescrewinthetuna · 31/10/2019 10:39

Why are you facilitating so much contact with someone like this?

ThreeLittleDots · 31/10/2019 10:42

You don't owe ex-FIL anything

Sexnotgender · 31/10/2019 10:43

I’d be cutting all contact with such a hateful old shit. No way would I be exposing my child to such awful views.

Blondebakingmumma · 31/10/2019 10:43

I’d cut back visits and no unsupervised. Maybe meet out if you think he will be better behaved in public?

FizzyIce · 31/10/2019 10:45

I get your point but I’d never think to correct someone if they said girlfriend/boyfriend , it just wouldn’t cross my mind.
There are lots of old bigots out there and they won’t change their ways now but I wouldn’t cut off family because of it .
My nan is a racist old cow but she loves my kids and they have both grown up to be accepting of all races, sexes etc.. because that’s how WE have brought them up , not because of a fortnightly visit to grandmas

heyjoeyitsestelle · 31/10/2019 10:46

Nope. My actual FIL is as you describe and we're no longer in contact. He refused to stop saying the n word around our kids. He also has the same racist homophobic bigoted views.
My life is so much better now.

Meirou90 · 31/10/2019 10:59

You’re just looking for an argument with that boyfriend comment. But well done for being so woke.

cacklingmags · 31/10/2019 11:15

Meirou90 - Why be so negative?

OP. I would not want to see this person very much at all. Cut the visits back so when the day comes that he starts being mean to your DS you can stop the visits without DS noticing.

SmileyGiraffe · 31/10/2019 11:18

Oh, do fuck off @Meirou90. Bringing up a child to be a loving, welcoming person is not "woke" at all.

If you think the exFIL is right, then surely you should leave here and find some UKIP forums where you'll find verminous bigotry to match your own beliefs.

TricklBOO · 31/10/2019 11:25

Since when was not being a racist, misogynistic, homophobic bigot 'woke'? It's just decent humanity.

Winterdaysarehere · 31/10/2019 11:29

Consider this.
If you allowed all the relatives to have unsupervised time with ds in the future how much time would you see him yourself?
He may want ds alone. Ds likely will be happy with you!! Being raised the way you are happy with!!
Beware offering regular unsupervised access can kick start gps rights if he so wished to be a twat.
More of a twat even...

Jammin5 · 31/10/2019 11:30

Jeez, so all contact with the GF should be cut as a result of his bigoted views? What an over reaction. This is about your DS’s right to have a relationship with his GF who is, after all, part of his identity. There is more to the GF than his political views. There is no evidence that the GF is abusive in which case I would agree with no contact.

Is the GF not capable of showing love to his grandson which the grandson will benefit from?
But also the reality is that the adult who will have more influence on the DS is the OP and certainly not the grandfather .

ThreeLittleDots · 31/10/2019 11:39

There is no evidence that the GF is abusive

Hmmm... But a racist, homophobic, sexist person insisting that they want time alone with an 18 month old, who he seems to want to 'change' is a red flag.

It's not a healthy relationship for someone to be disgusted with the person's normal interests, and seek to mould them into their own warped view of the world. I'd argue this could be seen as abusive - the inability to treat a person equally and with respect.

OP is right to be very wary indeed.

ThreeLittleDots · 31/10/2019 11:42

Furthermore, it would be deemed abusive for OP to willingly expose her son to someone who is very likely to say hurtful, abusive things to him as he grows up.

SmileyGiraffe · 31/10/2019 11:45

No, he's not capable of showing love to anyone as he's a bigoted old cunt who wants to change his lovely grandson.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2019 11:48

Dont know enough to give a proper answer here.
Is he capable of looking after an 18 month old?
If he wasn't your exFIL would you employ him as a babysitter?
What kind of unsupervised contact is he asking for and why?
An hour to push him around the park? or a whole day/overnight -
How supportive are they in real terms or do they just dictate to you how they want things to go.
I wouldn't let anyone have unsupervised contact with my 18 month old unless they were either qualified and certified or I was sure they were capable and loved the child.
So that is my logical answer, my other answer is why are you spending your time catering to the whims of a nasty old man who you don't even like every two weeks, for an ex who has washed his hands. I get the grandparent's contact thing, but you are not obliged to just obey them. Do you want to see them that frequently. You are a young person with a child, what about spending more time on the life that you want for both of you? Perhaps you should choose a more neutral location, like the park or ball park, where you are more in control of things.
I'd tell them directly that I don't like his attitude. ( you won't change it but you might be able to get them to agree not to say nasty things around your child) Maybe I've got this all wrong but without knowing more its difficult to say.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 11:49

I get what you are saying. Supervised contact is good for now at least.

I think you should stop looking to correct him with innocuous girl / boyfriend type comments. You created an argument because you’re pissed of with him and not pulling him up on the correct things. So keep your powder dry for when you need to have a talk about his attitude. For the most part, refuse to participate in the convo, steer it in another direction etc. Don’t fan the flames.

As for the comments about you choice, you have options to ignore, tell him you didn’t know having the toys would make his penis shrivel or (the best imo) to give him a boundary. “He is my ds and I will decide what is she isn’t appropriate for him” etc.

At some stage, you may also choose qualify that access to your child is a privilege not a right. But if you do this, don’t fight with him about his views. They differ. You know that. What you are making clear is that you don’t want your ds to hear then constantly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 11:52

“What is and isn’t”. Not she. Odd autocorrect.

LonginesPrime · 31/10/2019 11:52

No, I would be hanging around with someone like that, and I wouldn't want them around my DC!

You're very lucky that your ex doesn't want contact, OP, as it would be much harder to prevent ex-FIL seeing your DS if his father is bringing him into contact with him (which is what I thought this post was going to be about).

Grandparents don't have a right to contact and if it's not a positive experience I'm not sure why you would want it to continue.

Sparkletastic · 31/10/2019 11:52

I wouldn't maintain contact with him at all

LucileDuplessis · 31/10/2019 11:55

In this situation I would cut contact OP.

Jammin5 · 31/10/2019 11:55

I suppose it’s the binary approach that I have issue with. There is room for grey areas. It’s the idea that the GF’s very existence is based around him incessantly espousing bigoted views and nothing else.

I am in an interracial relationship and my late DH’s grandmother I know had racist views based on ignorance. Yet she showed both me and my kids (her great grandchildren ) nothing but love. She may have remained bigoted until the day she died or perhaps we helped to change her perception. But the pint is that if I my DH and I had cut off contact completely with her, my kids would not have had the opportunity to benefit from that relationship.

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