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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mother being unreasonable?

50 replies

TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 06:41

Bit of a back story, mother is a hoarder and car booter, she sells stuff on Facebook. She also minds my 3 year old daughter 2-3 days a week. Her car is so full of stuff it's dangerous- full to roof top so she borrows mine all the time

Monday she took my car to empty a house as her own car is so full, promised to return it Tuesday, I wanted it back in morning but she said afternoon. Tuesday morning comes she rings to say her leg is sore and can't empty my car or drive. She rang gp who left a prescription at reception. As I had no car my sister left work drove to my mother's doctor and then to pharmacy.

Told her I'd be over later to empty my car as needed it for the next day to bring 3 month old baby to hospital app.

My husband went to get my car in the end on Tuesday night as my mother wanted more stuff emptied out of a house (involved a 40 min drive and about another 40 mins of work). My sister drove him over to the house to collect car.

She rang me Wednesday morning wanting me to bring 2 bags of toys to some woman who was collecting for a charity, I said no as I had screaming baby and was on the way to hospital appointment and didn't want to be adding more stops to my journey.

She also had toys in my car that someone was to call to my house and I had to sell them for her. She then had a large bag that needed to be dropped to her friend's house so did that and then drive to my mother's again to collect another toy and go meet someone to sell them that as well.

When I get to the house she complains that not one of us asked if she needed anything and all she does for us. I think this is really unfair as she had no problem giving us all a list of jobs over the 2 days, driving all around. When I had spoken to her on the Wednesday afternoon she was down town, she lives about 100 metres from a corner shop and a garage

It didn't even occur to me that she might need milk or bread but I would have assumed she would have said something and of course one of us would have gone to shop for her.

When she said that to me I listed all the jobs I had just done, 3 month old breastfed baby that im up 2-3 times a night and I stormed off and started crying in the car with the unfairness of it all.

Is my mother being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 31/10/2019 06:47

Both- you could have asked if she needed anything from the shop as you were going there anyway to get your car. It seems your sister and husband did most of the running around and you only leant her your car you didn’t actually do anything for her and refused to do a stop for her (totally get why you have a 3 month old!) my take is and I could be wrong is shes selfish and she’s taught you to be selfish.

Andromache77 · 31/10/2019 06:48

Your mother, definitely. Stop running around after her with a tiny breastfed baby and find alternative childcare for your daughter. It will be expensive but you won't feel obliged to run yourself to the ground doing errands.

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 06:50

@Witchinaditch you missed the part where I had to sell a toy from my house, then drive to her friend's house to drop a bag off then collect another toy and go meet a woman

OP posts:
Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 06:53

@Andromache77 I know I really should find alternative care so I wouldn't owe her anything then but if I did that it would be the end of our relationship, she would never speak to me again (has history of this, doesn't speak to her sisters)

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 31/10/2019 06:56

I would re think the childcare situation, might be more trouble than it's worth.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2019 06:59

You're kinder than me op
I'd be asking my mum why her rubbish was still in my car, why my husband brought my car home with it, and I wouldn't be lending her my car again

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:02

@Shoxfordian I know, it's relentless. I think the only reason she offers to bring my child to playschool is so she can use my car and drive around to charity shops and collect more shite

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 31/10/2019 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/10/2019 07:03

If also make it clear that any crap left in your car will be left at her house or disposed of.

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:04

Her own insurance covers her to drive other cars.

If I take childcare away from her she will never speak to me or see grandkids, I know what she is like

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 31/10/2019 07:04

@TinchyBaby yea I must have done. I also missed your mum looks after your child for 3 days a week! That’s loads! So it sounds like you both do lots for each other. If she’s not usually like this maybe put it down to grumpiness due to injury and if she’s always like and makes a habit of making you feel crap then find alternative childcare and have more separate lives.

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:05

@SnuggyBuggy I say this all the time as she is constantly trying to leave stuff here but she ignores me or gives out or the usual 'all I do for you'

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 31/10/2019 07:09

YANBU. With everything she’s asking you to do, she also wants you to ask her if she wants anything? It’s not like she’s sitting there quietly. I think it’s very unfair of you to put that guilt trip on you on top of the rest of it. I think you reacted the way anymore would.

Andromache77 · 31/10/2019 07:09

Is the house in a proper state, is it really safe for your child? You describe your mother as a hoarder and your daughter is three. I understand that you want to continue your relationship with your mother but you have to consider your child's safety (and your own wellbeing). There appears to be a dysfunctional dynamic in place, which may even have started in your own childhood so it would be difficult for you to see for what it is, but now you're the grownup and you have options and responsibilities.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/10/2019 07:10

I get the threats of going NC, I think you have to work out the least worst option because her behaviour is unlikely to change. Or else ignore her back and ditch her stuff

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:12

@Andromache77 she minds in my house as her house is totally inaccessible.

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 31/10/2019 07:15

Her own Insurance probably only covers her for 3rd party for your car so if she crashed your car you would not get any payout.

AJPTaylor · 31/10/2019 07:16

Her insurance might cover her to drive your car (this is not universal) but it does not cover her for damage to your car. If she has an accident it will only cover third party liability.

AJPTaylor · 31/10/2019 07:16

X post

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2019 07:17

Is there any way you can encourage her to address her hoarding or does she not see it as a problem?

BlueJava · 31/10/2019 07:17

I'd be cutting out her hoarding drama from my life and if that involved her not speaking to me I'd probably be ok with it - but obviously you need to ask yourself that question.

From your post it seems that her hoarding/charity shop buying/facebook selling is running your life, your sisters, your DPs.... don't participate in it as she is running rings around you. Get her off your insurace, ditch her crap from your car, stop running her errands and get your daughter in nursey rather than relying on her. Then you can reduce her drama in your life. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she isn't going to change so you need to change how you deal with her.

MrsCollinssettled · 31/10/2019 07:17

How well is she looking after your dc? It sounds like your dc is just in the background whilst dm carries on with her buying and selling which isn't good for your dc.

Beveren · 31/10/2019 07:20

Her own insurance covers her to drive other cars.

But isn't that purely third party? It presumably wouldn't cover damage to your car.

Original poster
TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:24

She has money if there was damage done to my car she would have money to pay for it- although she has put scratches in it from lifting her crap in and out

@MrsCollinssettled she adores her grandchildren, yes she brings them around while buying etc but buys them tons of toys and clothes, bikes etc

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 31/10/2019 07:26

I wouldn't allow anybody to drive my car on their own, 3rd party only, insurance.
The rest of it, yes I do think she is being unreasonable, but you have created this situation by using her for free child care. It all sounds very time consuming and stressful.
I think you need to take a step back and reassess.