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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my mother being unreasonable?

50 replies

TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 06:41

Bit of a back story, mother is a hoarder and car booter, she sells stuff on Facebook. She also minds my 3 year old daughter 2-3 days a week. Her car is so full of stuff it's dangerous- full to roof top so she borrows mine all the time

Monday she took my car to empty a house as her own car is so full, promised to return it Tuesday, I wanted it back in morning but she said afternoon. Tuesday morning comes she rings to say her leg is sore and can't empty my car or drive. She rang gp who left a prescription at reception. As I had no car my sister left work drove to my mother's doctor and then to pharmacy.

Told her I'd be over later to empty my car as needed it for the next day to bring 3 month old baby to hospital app.

My husband went to get my car in the end on Tuesday night as my mother wanted more stuff emptied out of a house (involved a 40 min drive and about another 40 mins of work). My sister drove him over to the house to collect car.

She rang me Wednesday morning wanting me to bring 2 bags of toys to some woman who was collecting for a charity, I said no as I had screaming baby and was on the way to hospital appointment and didn't want to be adding more stops to my journey.

She also had toys in my car that someone was to call to my house and I had to sell them for her. She then had a large bag that needed to be dropped to her friend's house so did that and then drive to my mother's again to collect another toy and go meet someone to sell them that as well.

When I get to the house she complains that not one of us asked if she needed anything and all she does for us. I think this is really unfair as she had no problem giving us all a list of jobs over the 2 days, driving all around. When I had spoken to her on the Wednesday afternoon she was down town, she lives about 100 metres from a corner shop and a garage

It didn't even occur to me that she might need milk or bread but I would have assumed she would have said something and of course one of us would have gone to shop for her.

When she said that to me I listed all the jobs I had just done, 3 month old breastfed baby that im up 2-3 times a night and I stormed off and started crying in the car with the unfairness of it all.

Is my mother being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

Sunshinegirl82 · 31/10/2019 07:29

So you are all held to ransom then? Behave as she wants you to or you're cut off? She can't love her grandchildren that much if

Sunshinegirl82 · 31/10/2019 07:31

If that's her approach. It seems like there is more to this dynamic OP, has she always been like this?

Original poster

TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:31

@Sunshinegirl82 it does feel like that, held to ransom.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 07:32

Ya I suppose she has always done the guilt thing

OP posts:

BBBear · 31/10/2019 07:35

YANBU that all sounds incredibly stressful for you.

Find alternative childcare and stop carting around your Mum’s rubbish.

If she chooses to stop seeing her grandchildren then that’s her decision and her problem.

PotteringAlong · 31/10/2019 07:36

If you’re on maternity leave why does she need to look after your daughter 3 days a week? Just tell her you will do it as you’re at home?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 07:37

It sounds as if she’s mentally ill. You have to decide whether you can continue to make this your problem. You are a mum now with responsibilities.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 31/10/2019 07:39

I agree that you MUST find alternative child care. Unfortunately your mum obviously has issues that need to be dealt with. I wouldn’t trust my DC being in her care.

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2019 07:40

She is taking the piss and you know it. Imagine it were the other way around, would you dream of asking your adult daughter who has a baby, to run all these errands? I had a similar experience with my parents taking the piss too. I ended up listening to advice on here. Now I only ensure they have food, Bill's are paid and they get to health care appointments. I visit for a proper chat once a week. I've stopped buying and picking up junk that they dont need. If they genuinely need it e.g a shopping trolley then I'll get it when I can, usually a week later. I no longer run around like a blue arsed fly after them, while my children, husband and home becomes neglected. You need to start saying no, I cant sorry. If she presses you just say you dont have much petrol, nor time. Keep saying it over and over again. You cannot be her personal slave!!!

Belfield · 31/10/2019 07:45

Your DM sounds like she has mental issues. Hoarding is usually a sign plus she seems obsessed with the charity shops. Is there a system in place since childhood where your DM has issues and you and your sister have to step up and take over. Is she suitable to help with your child? If she will cut all contact if you make alternative childcare arrangements what else are you and your sister doing to keep the peace.

ToelessPobble · 31/10/2019 07:47

I would probably add her to the insurance. Yes you say that she would pay for the car but if someone in the car was injured it would not be covered.

She is being unreasonable to ask you to do the jobs on one level but it you have not said if this is the norm or not and she does do a lot for you. Being taken milk and bread or asked if she needs anything would have been nice and for her may well have shown her,in her mind, that you love her and are there at a point when she feels more vulnerable. Hoarding is often a mental health issue so I wonder what is going on for her and what it is being used to cover emotionally.

Applesanbananas · 31/10/2019 07:50

If I take childcare away from her she will never speak to me or see grandkids, I know what she is like

You and your kids are not items to trade with. Sounds like you are emotionally blackmailed into accepting this.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 31/10/2019 07:52

Next time she wants to borrow you'e car insist that what you actually do is help her clear out hers.

Chamomileteaplease · 31/10/2019 07:56

I think you really need to think about why you are so worried that she will cut you and your child off if stop the childcare.

Why would you want to spend time with a person like this. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she is a nice person.

If she plays the guilt card and does all you have described in your posts, do you really think this is the kind of person you want your three year old subjected to? She may be messing with your child's head every time they are together.

If I were you I would arrange alternative, safe childcare. If your mother goes NC then see it as a blessing. There may be a small chance that it will bring her to her senses and she will seek help for her obvious MH issues. If not, it is her loss. Please protect your child from this woman.

NewName73 · 31/10/2019 07:58

Is she declaring all her income from online trading to the tax authorities?

As she is clearly doing it as a business, not a hobby.

BeanBag7 · 31/10/2019 08:03

She does a big favour for you having your daughter 2 or 3 days a week. I would see the occasional driving errand as returning the favour.

PurpleWithRed · 31/10/2019 08:09

She is providing you with 2-3 days free childcare. How much would you have to pay for that? There is no such thing as a free lunch. I don't think she is unreasonable to expect something from you in return. But that's not really the problem is it?

What is the issue here? Her (unhealthy) hoarding/obsession with stuff? Her unpredictable demands and refusal to take your own situation into account when demanding stuff? Her CF car borrowing? Decide what makes you really angry and work on stopping it from happening. It might get painful though.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2019 08:09

Have a look at this page for hoarding support

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/for-friends-and-family/#.XbqWc_SnwwA

Gazelda · 31/10/2019 08:09

When DM has your DD, does she spend time doing her running around, selling, delivering etc? Is your DD simply bring carted around all day? Does she take her to playgroups? Play with her?
Maybe you should look into formal childcare, and say that you feel your DD could do with some stimulation from other children in readiness for school.

Sunshinegirl82 · 31/10/2019 08:20

I think you need to decide whether you are prepared for you (and your DC) to be held to ransom (and therefore forced dance to your DM's tune) for the rest of her life.

Your DM clearly has issues. Your DC are old enough now to start noticing this behaviour and being effected by it.

What will happen with respect to DC2 when you return to work? Will your DM be expecting to look provide childcare? I really think you have to put your foot down now on this . What does your DH/DP think?

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/10/2019 08:25

I think your mother sounds mentally ill. I would echo the PP who asked if your mother actually does anything without your DD or is it all about trawling round the charity shops for more stuff and clutter? Your DD might benefit from a different environment now she's a bit older?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 31/10/2019 08:34

Does she pay you OP for the car for the jobs you do? I don;t get why you just dont leave her to do her thing and just not get involved? If she is running a business then she is responsible for it if your not an employee then stuff her let her hire someone to run around after her.....not your job.

Original poster

TinchyBaby · 31/10/2019 08:51

I don't usually mind doing the odd job for her and letting her use my car etc but the reason for my post was my perception of the unfairness of what she said yesterday

OP posts:

Whatisthisfuckery · 31/10/2019 09:01

It doesn’t sound like your mother is usually backward in coming forward where dishing out the orders in concerned, so YANBU.

Andromache77 · 31/10/2019 09:02

I see that you're trying to do things right but this does sound like a longstanding dysfunctional relationship. You may need to sit down, give it some thought (possibly also talk to your DP to hear his opinion and outside perspective) and decide if you can live your life this way or if you need to take a step back. You cannot control her reaction, but neither can you live your life in fear of it. Just decide what's best for you and your family and go with that.

You don't sound happy and quite frankly, I'm not surprised in the least. Your relationship just doesn't seem healthy.

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