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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go out for friends birthday

37 replies

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 02:58

It's my friends birthday in Leeds and he's asked a load of us to go out drinking/clubbing with him to celebrate. Not my sort of thing but it's his birthday so his choice.
But I'm really really anxious about it. I've never been clubbing really where we live there is limited options, I've never been to this city and I don't know what to wear or what to expect. I'd be travelling there and back with at least one person I'm friends with but I don't know anyone else who's going and I've no idea what I'm supposed to wear.
I would like to see my friend and spend time with him but the idea of going is filling me with dread. I don't do make up, fancy hair, heels or clothes and I've no idea what I'm going to do. But I think I should go because he'd do the same for me. But I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb.
Disclaimer, I have high functioning autism so this sort of thing is a bit of a minefield for me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2019 03:08

Just go and don't give a fuck about what you wear or what anyone else is wearing. Trust me, no one on earth cares what you wear and the only thing your friend wants is for you to be there. Just relax and have fun!

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 03:19

@Aquamarine1029, I think some clubs have dress codes to begin with and I don't really look the part to begin with I'm worried I'll be turned away.

OP posts:
nzeire · 31/10/2019 03:21

Could you ask one of your friends going to help you?

Monty27 · 31/10/2019 03:22

It would have to be majorly special for me to subject myself to go clubbing. I'm not young though.
Meet him for lunch another time. He may understand.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 03:22

@nzeire, the only people I'm friends with who are going are guys. The girls who are going I've never met and are members of a team he plays for.

OP posts:
ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 03:24

@Monty27, he'll totally understand, which is why I want to go. I want to make the effort that he'd make for me. Plus I know that I'll be fine with the others who are there it's mainly that I don't know how to dress for a club that's the problem.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/10/2019 03:32

You'll have to start a new link in style and beauty. Or show us what you're thinking of wearing. Id go for clothes I feel confident enough to dance in. Shiny hair and smiley teeth working wonders. I like a really casual hair up do and cool accessories. The attire to me would be ankle boots and leggings with a flimsy top. Smile

Jeds55 · 31/10/2019 03:37

In my experience the dress code tends to be no trainers but each club will have a "style" that most of the clientele wear- e.g rock. This wont be mandatory though- just linked to type of music etc. Google it and it'll probably have photos of recent club nights so you can see what others are wearingif you are worried. Or ask your friend what tye of music/club or is? I wouldn't worry too much though- in my experience the bouncers go easier on females than males when assessing clothing on the door.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 03:52

I have these tops I would wear with leggings and either a black blazer or coral cardigan type thing but I’m aware I may need to buy something as they may not be suitable.

No idea about footwear. I’d probably buy a silver (fake) necklace as well as a handbag because the only one I own is Captain America themed. I’d need mascara but no clue about lipsticks. But I’ve no idea how to style myself or what to buy. I’ve got great boobs though.

My hair doesn’t really do anything other than long straight and down but it’s a nice colour and often shiny. It’s too fine and currently too long to hold a style really but I’d be up for trying some.

To not go out for friends birthday
To not go out for friends birthday
To not go out for friends birthday
OP posts:
brummiesue · 31/10/2019 04:01

I think you need to find out what type of club you are going to, tbh those tops aren't really suitable for most.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 04:08

@brummiesue, I know, but I’ve no idea what I should buy instead. I’ve never been clubbing and I’ve no idea where my friend wants to go.

OP posts:
brummiesue · 31/10/2019 04:16

What type of club is it? Rock? Dance? Cheesy?

brummiesue · 31/10/2019 04:17

Sorry, just read your last post, can't you ask him? What music is he into?

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 04:19

He just likes dancing so won’t care where we go, he likes the cheese stuff and house music whatever that is but he’ll likely decide once we’re there.

OP posts:
ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 04:36

@brummiesue I have this. It’s very low though so I’d probably sew it a bit because it’s too revealing for me to be comfortable really. I’d also likely have a black cardigan because i don’t want to travel without a jacket. Would this be better with black leggings and heels?

To not go out for friends birthday
OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/10/2019 04:39

I like the first pics, you need to wear what your comfortable in while dancing it might be warm Smile

ExhaustedFlamingo · 31/10/2019 04:39

OP, in your own words you have great boobs and lovely, shiny hair. You don't need to cover yourself in makeup if you'd rather not, and you don't need to do anything different with your hair. Long hair which is silky and in great condition looks beautiful just left down.

Clubs are usually noisy and hot and there's usually nowhere to sit down. You'll need shoes which are reasonably comfortable to stand and dance in, and won't make your feet hurt or give you blisters. No trainers or shoes that look like trainers.You don't have to wear heels. Cute ballet pumps look just as fab. Or try kitten heels, they're very comfy and give the impression of a heel but are so low that you won't feel uncomfortable. Or wedges, another good option.

If you're getting new shoes, break them in before you go or else you'll end up with blisters.

Re tops. I would say the white one with the lacy straps and maybe the blue one next to it would be fine if you pair it with some slim-leg trousers. People tend to dress up a bit for most clubs, but that doesn't mean tiny dresses necessarily. A nice pair of slim leg trousers and a short-sleeves/spaghetti strap pretty top is ideal. Don't wear jeans and don't wear trainer-type shoes. If you're getting a new top, just look for something that's a bit dressy so maybe glitter, thin straps/short sleeves/bit of cleavage showing. Ask yourself if you'd wear it round for dinner with your folks - if the answer is no, you're on the right tracks!

You don't need to go all out glam. Honestly, once you're inside, no-one will care. On the other hand, if you're wearing a long-sleeved top you'll feel hot and uncomfortable. Dress for your comfort.

Also be prepared for sensory overload. When you get there it might be an idea to try and find if there's a quiet area. Clubs are bloody loud, there's lots of people squashing around the dance floors and bars, and the lights can be overstimulating too. Clubs normally have quiet spaces where you can escape for a bit if it's overwhelming. Sometimes the toilets have a chill-out zone separate from the actual loos and sinks.

Think about coats. Are the others taking a coat and putting it in the cloakroom too - or is there door-to-door taxis being organised? It'll feel really cold outside at this time of year and when you come out of a hot club you'll be freezing unless you're stepping straight into a taxi. However, queues at cloakrooms can be long so make sure you're not the only one taking a coat because you'll feel awkward if they're all queuing just for you.

Handbag. I would rock the hell out of my Captain America handbag and not give a shit. It sounds ace. If you're not comfortable with that then go for a bag that's not too big but still has enough room to hold your purse, keys and phone easily. Look for one that's difficult to undo to give a bit of protection against pick-pockets - so think zips, compartments and poppers if possible.

I've tried to give some black and white answers here that will help. Don't worry, honestly. It will be absolutely fine. You might be surprised how much fun you have!

ExhaustedFlamingo · 31/10/2019 04:41

OP - just seen your updated pics - that red top is perfect!!! Sew it up a bit if you need to but perfect for a club.

You won't want a cardigan on in the club, it's bloody boiling.

Youtoldme · 31/10/2019 04:48

As for make up can you go to a local Boots and they will do it for you on the No7 counter then you can choose to buy a few of the items if you want, explain you want a natural look-I did it once for a special occasion and the girls who work there were lovely. My clubbing days are over but the red top with black leggings & ballet pumps should be fine-enjoy

siacolouredthesmallone · 31/10/2019 04:59

You look beautiful in the red top!! You really do...you've got a lovely figure - fantastic boobs and a gorgeous waist! (I'd give anything for boobs and a waist: I literally look like a plant of wood....totally flat-chested and my shoulders/waist hips are in a straight line Sad ) I haven't been out to pubs or clubs in years and even back then, the last time I did, the person I went with re-dressed me in her clothes when she saw what I had on Grin . I'd be useless at giving you any practical tips but the advice from ExhaustedFlamingo is excellent. All I can offer is to say you absolutely rock that red dress/top and I really hope, if you decide to go, you have a lovely time with a friend that you care about. Flowers Wine

1300cakes · 31/10/2019 05:07

Don't worry too much OP. I'm not one for clubbing either normally but it can be fun, and yes some people have fun dressing up fancy, but others are dressed more low key, some have come from work in their business clothes, etc. It won't be like an American TV show where everyone is a supermodel in expensive designer clothes, 6 inch heels and immaculate make up.

What to expect? You'll go in to a room, there will be loud music and you will stand around with your friends and have a few drinks, a chat and a laugh. If you don't drink alcohol, water and soft drinks are available. Some people will dance.

That red dress looks nice. It looks fine how it is, but I would sew it or wear a singlet under for more coverage if it would feel more comfortable. Don't wear make up if you don't want to.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 31/10/2019 05:15

@Monty27, yeah I want to be comfortable but it's not an environment I feel comfortable in typically so I figure after a couple of shots I'll be fine.

@ExhaustedFlamingo, I do like wedge heels. They also have the benefit of being easier to walk home in after a night out. I'll likely wear leggings as I find the compression soothing. Trousers are something that I'd probably struggle with sensory wise. One of my friends whos going is really really great when I'm overwhelmed. His sister and dad are autistic and he's just great at helping me through it tbh. Plus alcohol tends to help a lot. It relaxes me so I'm less likely to be overwhelmed. I'm not sure what everyone else is doing be we're getting a train from York to Leeds and back so I'm taking something with me otherwise I'll freeze. I may take my Captain America handbag if I can find it, if not I'm heading to Primark in the morning. I'll need to sew it up it's basically open in the front and I'm not comfortable with that.

@Youtoldme, awesome thank you. I'll look online and see if there are any nearby that offer the service.

@siacolouredthesmallone, thanks all I'd like to do is firm up the bingo wings and reduce the size of my stomach but that'll happen in good time. It's so difficult because my sisters are all into clubbing but they're much older and I have no interest so I've not learnt anything from them, plus if I do go out with them its usually to bars or places where they know the bouncers so it isn't an issue. I just really hope that I can get away with minimal makeup. I really hate wearing it.

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 31/10/2019 07:20

Red top is ace. With some good quality (not see through!) black leggings or jeggings and a small heel/wedge. Absolutely fine. If wearing anything over the top I would make it a jacket - I have lots of jersey ones they're much more comfy.

Your friend really wants you there then go and just have a nice time. Your skin looks amazing so I don't think you need make-up unless you want to wear it.

LannisterLion1 · 31/10/2019 07:47

If you do go to primark they usually have clubbing pumps, small black squishy pumps to go in your bag in case your feet hurt. Definitely worth having a pair

LannisterLion1 · 31/10/2019 07:48

Cool red top, looks good. You could always get a slip inside black band instead of sewing to hide your cleavage if you aren't comfortable.