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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said I avoid bars as scared what I might do when drunk

36 replies

livinglavidasober · 30/10/2019 22:00

Hi - name changed as don’t really want to be recognised. I’ve been a bit upset today at a comment made whilst out with friends for dinner last night in response to something I said. I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been sober for nearly 2 years now, and my friends know this. In the past when I drank my boundaries totally collapsed and I felt I lost all control over my behaviour, becoming this awful unstoppable vicious loose cannon. Anyway - last night we were talking about another girl we know of who also tends to ‘make a scene’ when drunk as she can never seem to stop at a few which I totally relate to, this girl slept with somebody she shouldn’t have at a wedding and caused a bit of a scene. I made a comment that this is why I personally don’t drink, because if I was still drinking I’d also still be causing scenes at weddings. ‘Friend’ said ‘but at least you wouldn’t sleep with X because you have a boyfriend’ and I said, actually, no, I wouldn’t put it past myself, hence the decision not to drink. I said I don’t trust myself in those sort of situations where everyone is drunk and this is why I do not drink at all. She said ‘so you’d cheat on your partner if you drank?’ - I said, yes, maybe, that’s my point, and she made a scandalised face and kept going on about it. It’s just upset me a bit as I feel I’ve been made out to be generally untrustworthy or something, when actually what I meant is, YES, I am untrustworthy the minute alcohol hits my system, which is why I just put myself in any situations where I might be tempted.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Ex drinkers /recovering alcoholics maybe would get this more than most, I don’t know?

OP posts:

CharityConundrum · 30/10/2019 22:05

I'm not in your position, so I can't say I know how you feel, but it strikes me as incredibly healthy for you to be aware of the potential consequences of drinking and INCREDIBLY brave of you to share that with people. Your friend clearly doesn't understand that your self-awareness is what makes you trustworthy. FWIW I would have only admiration for you in this situation.

Ihatesandwiches · 30/10/2019 22:07

I get where you're coming from. Sober me is a very compassionate person. Drunk me has no morals.
I only have a drink when I feel I'm in safe company. I'll happily share a bottle of wine with DP but won't start drinking our with friends mid afternoon as I have no idea where I'll end up.

WatchingTheMoon · 30/10/2019 22:10

I'm similar. I was never an alcoholic but when I drink, I have no self control so I stopped. I think anyone who judges someone who has taken measures to stop unpleasant behaviour is a bit of a tit really. Everyone has some shitty facets of their personality so it's not like she's perfect either and she should have kept her mouth shut.

victorioussponges · 30/10/2019 22:13

CharityConundrum said it perfectly - I think what you said is incredibly honest and insightful. It sounds like your friend has no real experience of drinking problems hence she can just scandalise what is a painful reality for many.

Girlsmummy30 · 30/10/2019 22:14

I understand what you mean. My dh is in recovery. Not alcohol but drugs. He's a firm member now of the NA but would never touch a drink now as it leads to drugs for himself. He can't trust himself to even take one drink as he knows what path that will lead him down. Recovery and addiction is a long and complicated road. It's hard to understand. Well done for 2 years sober

Inebriati · 30/10/2019 22:14

I'm not an alcoholic but understood what you meant straight away.
I don't think your friend is being very understanding or supportive. They seem more interested in having a stick to beat you with than understanding why you stopped drinking.

Wilmalovescake · 30/10/2019 22:17

Completely understand you!
I’m not an alcoholic but like a previous poster, my moral compass skews after a few drinks so I totally get the need to be careful.

BrassTactical · 30/10/2019 22:19

I think you are brave, honest and have made good choices. Never been an alcoholic or cheated. But since I was attacked last year I got into a pattern of having no boundaries with men when drunk. So Ive made the (recent) choice to stop drinking if I’m in a situation that could occur.

Original poster

livinglavidasober · 30/10/2019 22:20

Thanks! There were 5 of us out and the other 3 didn’t really say anything, just chimed in with ‘gosh’. I hate the idea that the ‘true’ me is the drunk me, when actually for me when I did drink it felt like a total collapse of my personality and I was just this sentient blob without any sense of consequence.

OP posts:

NewNameGuy · 30/10/2019 22:21

I think you have a lot more integrity than most people, fair play

Original poster

livinglavidasober · 30/10/2019 22:21

@BrassTactical I am sorry to hear that you were attacked

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 30/10/2019 22:22

Does your friend not understand that you know what shitfaced is or has she never experienced shitfaced?

I was 'that' one in the pub for a long time.
I couldn't tell you what pissed me would get up to cause I don't know pissed me, although I'm not fond of the shit pissed me used to make sober me apologise for or lie about because of the shame.

YANBU she sounds like a dickhead mate

polkadotpixie · 30/10/2019 22:23

I'm exactly the same tbh. I'm not an alcoholic but my judgement, morals and sense of responsibility goes straight out of the window if I'm drunk. I don't trust myself not to do something so stupid that I tear my whole life apart so I don't drink anymore...I'll be 4 years sober on 24.12.19

Ginfordinner · 30/10/2019 22:23

Playing devil's advocate here, but maybe she just couldn't understand because even when drunk she still manages to not behave so unpredictably?

Original poster

livinglavidasober · 30/10/2019 22:24

@spinneyhill thank you and oh god I can so relate to that shame. The sense of being deep down a terrible, immoral person and that sober me was just a performance!

OP posts:

Northernsoullover · 30/10/2019 22:25

I hate the label alcoholic but thats a digression, I think its wonderful you were so open. Alcohol has contributed to a lot of poor choices in my life. Less so in recent years as I only drank with my partner and I gave up completely in the spring.

SpinneyHill · 30/10/2019 22:26

I would call that level of self control tipsy not drunk.
The loss of inhibitions and control is associated with drunk.

Shannith · 30/10/2019 22:26

Hi @livinglavidasober my names shannith and I'm an alcoholic

Worrywart21 · 30/10/2019 22:26

Yes and I don’t understand people who pretend they don’t understand this. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. It makes you more vulnerable to making a fool of yourself/doing stuff you wouldn’t normally do.

I think people who judge others for things like this are unsympathetic and one day they might embarrass themselves drunk or do something that they really regret and then might learn compassion.

I totally get you OP.

Original poster

livinglavidasober · 30/10/2019 22:27

@ginfordinner yes, I’ve seen her ‘drunk’ (what she would refer to as drunk) and it’s slightly loud/tipsy, not staggering around unable to focus her eyes. Honestly felt like saying, go and down a whole litre bottle of vodka and then come back to me and tell me you behaved impeccably

OP posts:

SkinnyLatteForMe · 30/10/2019 22:29

I think good for you for having some self awareness, creating some boundaries and knowing your limits.

If my now ex had acknowledged that his drinking leads to situations he wouldn't otherwise put himself in, he wouldn't have fucked someone else, and we would still be together.

Your friend doesn't know what she is talking about. You have made a good choice for yourself.

Shannith · 30/10/2019 22:31

Bollocks, why did that post?

I was going to agree that an alcoholic would get it. I totally do.

You are brave and honest to talk about it. It's true that people who don't have the disease don't really get it.

Nor should they and be thankful they don't have to. You do and you live accordingly which means no alcohol ever.

Well done on two years sober

emmetgirl · 30/10/2019 22:34

I'm now 13 years sober and I do get what you're saying. I think that it's probably impossible for people who aren't in recovery to understand fully what it's like. Once I'd had a drink all bets were off. I had no inhibitions and would do things and say things I'd never have done or said sober. Oh how thankful I am that I no longer drink. And bloody well done on 2 years!! xx

zippyswife · 30/10/2019 22:34

I don’t think I’ve ever read an OP that I relate to as much as this. I’m not an alcoholic but barely drink due to fear of acting in the same way as a pp described- in a way that could tear their whole life apart.

Like yourself I’m open and honest with people about why I rarely drink and only in certain company. I just don’t trust myself. Fortunately my friends relate to this too. It’s a shame yours seem above that.

bookwormsforever · 30/10/2019 22:37

@livinglavidasober - kudos to you!

Brave, insightful post. Your colleague is at fault here, for being So thick that she can’t understand the effect of alcohol on some people. Well, lucky her.

Congratulations on your two years sober. You do you!

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