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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more?

50 replies

HakunaMatataa · 30/10/2019 05:48

I'm a mum of 2 DS. One is 9 months old. Since he's been born DH has stayed in the spare room. I understand this as he needs to get up for work but I do the lions share of caring for DS's.
Baby has always been a bad sleeper which means I am up every 2hrs in the night with him. Baby has had a particularly bad night tonight being awake for an hour at a time on waking and has been up since 4am. DH is still asleep (well kind off. Just muttering to himself about the noise). He doesnt get up with him on weekends. He has done this once but it was after alot of moaning on my side that I need some sleep. DH is always asleep by 9 or 10 and doesn't need to be up until half 6 for work. I do all bed and bath times.
He has a hobby which he does on a saturday and one evening during the week.

AIBU to think he should be doing more or is this the norm for many people?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 30/10/2019 05:56

He should be doing the weekends. You need to be able to look forward to one or two unbroken nights a week or sleep deprivation will break you.

There's a reason totalitarian regimes use it on political prisoners!

A 9-month-old baby should be sleeping through or only waking once by now - is he sleeping too much in the daytime and just turned his schedule topsy turvy? I hope you're napping when he does, but you do need unbroken sleep!

Daisy169 · 30/10/2019 05:56

YANBU. I posted recently about my DH holding the baby for a few hours every evening so that I can sleep, he then stays in the spare room to get a solid block of sleep, before getting up for work at 5.30am.

Especially if your baby is older and presumably is eating some solids/going longer between milk feeds, he could definitely get up at the weekend too even if you are breastfeeding.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2019 06:00

So you haven't had an unbroken stretch of sleep for 9 months and he has a full night every night? Obviously that is hugely unfair, and not what happened in my family. Do managed to help with might waking despite having a job, I also didn't opt out of being a parent during night time hours when I returned to work. We both survived - we were tired but at least we supported each other.

GobletOfIre · 30/10/2019 06:05

He’s being completely selfish. You need to speak to him - and you need to sleep train the baby.

You poor thing, you must be exhausted.

Original poster
HakunaMatataa · 30/10/2019 06:06

@NearlyGranny DS was quite poorly for 6 months so has used feeding as a comfort. He wakes alot. He is breastfed so currently weaning him off the comfort feeds he is partial to during the night.

DS doesn't need milk at night. He eats well during the day and has 3 solid meals along with feeds. I currently see a nursery nurse who is helping with cutting down feeds at night ect.

If anything he doesnt sleep enough during the day. He has a very good routine just will only sleep for around 30 mins at a time. My eldest was the oppositeGin

I just feel exhausted and DH often gets moody if I express this so was wondering if I was just being overtired and unfair for no reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
HakunaMatataa · 30/10/2019 06:10

@GobletOfIre Yes I do. Sleep training was going brilliantly until teething set in. I'm now only feeding twice in the night despite DS getting annoyed. Doing the gradual retreat method of sleep training.

I am slowly cutting down the lengths of feeds too on the nursery nurses advice.

It's difficult as LO wakes upset as he can't have what he wants and I feel awful but something has got to give at this point. I know it's just a comfort thing.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 30/10/2019 06:12

I would be expecting him to share the weekends and do anything else that makes your life a little easier during the week.

BeanBag7 · 30/10/2019 06:25

A 9-month-old baby should be sleeping through or only waking once by now
Plenty of babies this age still wake at night. Haven't you seen the threads about "when did your baby sleep through" and for loads of people its 2 years or older.
There is no "should" about it, I'm sure OP is aware that waking every 2 hours is not ideal so no need to make her feel worse about what her baby "should" be doing.

OP your partner definitely needs to be stepping up more. You said he works, but couldnt he do 1 of the night wakings. Unless he is a surgeon or some other life-or-death career then having a slightly broken night isn't going to affect him that badly. And he should definitely be helping out during the evenings and weekends. Do you get a weekend day and one evening a week to do your hobby and have time to yourself?

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2019 06:27

A 9-month-old baby should be sleeping through or only waking once by now

What rubbish! Plenty of babies this age don't sleep through.

WMPAGL · 30/10/2019 06:28

This would not fly in our house - I would have killed him (suffocation by 1000 dirty nappies...?) by now!

At a minimum he should be doing a lot more at weekends to give you a break. In reality the attitude should be that you both have a job during the day (you house and DSs, him his outside job) and you split the nights and weekends.

TowelNumber42 · 30/10/2019 06:33

If he gets moody about this you've got bigger problems. Is he a so much of a dick the rest of the time? Do you get to go out and do hobbies?

Hand over Friday and Saturday nights to him. Get yourself some sleep. So what if he sulks? Let him. Or is that the worst thing ever?

RolytheRhino · 30/10/2019 06:35

A 9-month-old baby should be sleeping through or only waking once by now

Lies and deceit! Babies generally do not sleep through naturally (adults didn't until a couple of hundred years ago- we used to go to bed early, wake in the night for a couple of hours and then go back to sleep). It makes no evolutionary sense for babies to sleep through from an early age.

Also, apparently (I've heard this but not yet had time to do the legwork to find the original research, if it exists) studies have shown that sleep-trained babies wake as often as those who are not sleep trained, they just know not to cry out.

Your DD sounds totally normal to me, OP.

Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 06:48

I’ve had 4
SAHM
When dh was off work ,evenings ,weekends everything was split 50/50.
But if he had work the following morning,I did the night wakings,if he was off the following day we took in in turns

NearlyGranny · 30/10/2019 06:52

Should was probably not the best choice of words! But let's say it's not unreasonable to expect a baby the age of OP's, fed on solids, to be sleeping better at night than he is, and to work towards this as OP is doing. Is that accurate enough?

And it is totally unreasonable for the two adults parenting a sleepless child to be dividing the night care and hence the available sleep as unfairly as POP and her DH currently are.

I raised three and can never forget the desperation for sleep generated by twins who routinely woke each other in a cottage too small to separate them. They did finally sleep through reliably at a year old. When their younger sibling slept through for the first time at just 7 weeks and I woke naturally, I immediately feared she had died, it was so unexpected.

But I had a DH who, while far from perfect, never DECAMPED (we had two bedrooms and one was full of cots!) and managed all the night changes, bringing hungry babies to me in bed to be fed, because as he said, "I can't feed them but I can change them, so that's my job." He held down a demanding job throughout and cycled to work so I wasn't carless as a SAHM.

OP's DH needs to step up and do some parenting in the dark hours.

NearlyGranny · 30/10/2019 06:54

OP, not POP. Sorry for odd capitalisations.

Jaynetheplane · 30/10/2019 06:57

With my exh, I was sahm and he worked, so he used to do the night wakings if one of them woke before 2, and if it was after 2 then I did, doing it like that meant we both got a few hours solid sleep and he got his before he had to get up and go to work.

Could you try this? I have a baby the same age at the moment ( previous 6 kids were good sleepers but this one is a different story!) and she wakes at least 3 or 4 times a night and rarely naps. It’s hard! X

Jaynetheplane · 30/10/2019 06:58

Also just to point out the way we used to do it meant I had to go to bed early for a while, but it was only short term til they slept better.

Benes · 30/10/2019 07:01

He sounds like a selfish arse.
Of course he should be doing more....a lot more.

Notthebradybunch · 30/10/2019 07:03

I used to do all the night waking, baths, bedtime etc as he worked, not a problem for me, he did get up with them on Sundays as he also worked Saturday mornings but I would be free to go for a coffee, shopping, walk by myself on Saturday afternoon/evening as he wanted to spend time with them, so yes, your DH should be doing at least that.

CallmeAngelina · 30/10/2019 07:04

How much of each Saturday does he spend on his hobby bet it's fucking cycling ?

Firstimemam · 30/10/2019 07:07

I'm late to the party but I also have a 9 month old baby and we just share the load which should be completely normal in my opinion. At the moment, he's doing paternity leave and I'm working. I get up at 5:30am but still get up in the night as he wakes once or twice and so did hubby when our DS was really little because obviously he didn't sleep as long and was up every 2h. So, no you're not being unreasonable - your job is harder than his!!!! & I keep saying this although I work 10h days with no break x

quincejamplease · 30/10/2019 07:08

I just feel exhausted and DH often gets moody if I express this

This is a big problem and unacceptable. He's basically training you to let him disrespect and exploit you without challenge because you can't face his nasty reactions.

A decent partner would care about how you feel and want to address it. He would be concerned and change his behaviour. A decent partner would pull his weight instead of treating you like his staff.

I'm sorry he's got you so used to his horrible treatment that you have to question what's normal.

SoyDora · 30/10/2019 07:16

Loads of people will say that as the one at home with the baby, you ‘should’ be doing all night feeds as he has to work.
Ask yourself this... would any good man who genuinely loves his wife by happy to see her exhausted/struggling/in despair while he got his solid 8/9 hours sleep?
My youngest is 9 months old and still up twice a night. DH does the first wake up (every single night, even though (gasp!) he works full time!), and I do the second. He’s away 1-2 nights a week so obviously I do it all on those nights. We share lie ins at the weekend. If he’s ill or waking more frequently I do the lions share, but DH will often repay it by doing a whole night himself at the weekend so I can get an uninterrupted night.
Yes he should be doing more but he won’t, as he thinks all child rearing is your role in life.

Phineyj · 30/10/2019 07:18

No, of course you're not BU. I generally suggest when dealing with selfish people to draw up a fair schedule (on e.g. a whiteboard or piece of paper on the fridge) and sticking to it like glue. Then you can just point to the schedule and say, right, it's Friday, 9pm, I'm off to the spare room. See you at 5am or whatever.

Selfish people don't generally want to admit to their selfishness in black and white, which is why rotas can help.

Molly2010 · 30/10/2019 07:26

I would not say this is the norm.
My DH did nothing Monday to Friday and this was our agreement. He works long hours and I’m a sahp.
Both children were ebf so I did all the night wakings first both, weekday or weekend.
That said he did take over at weekends. He’d do all the cooking and cleaning up, put the laundry on and away and often take both children out to the playground or to his mums to give me time off.
It was a very tough balance, but we made it work.
It sounds to me like you haven’t got the balance right and you are not getting enough rest time as a result.