AIBU to expect more?

[HakunaMatataa]

I'm a mum of 2 DS. One is 9 months old. Since he's been born DH has stayed in the spare room. I understand this as he needs to get up for work but I do the lions share of caring for DS's.
Baby has always been a bad sleeper which means I am up every 2hrs in the night with him. Baby has had a particularly bad night tonight being awake for an hour at a time on waking and has been up since 4am. DH is still asleep (well kind off. Just muttering to himself about the noise). He doesnt get up with him on weekends. He has done this once but it was after alot of moaning on my side that I need some sleep. DH is always asleep by 9 or 10 and doesn't need to be up until half 6 for work. I do all bed and bath times.
He has a hobby which he does on a saturday and one evening during the week.

AIBU to think he should be doing more or is this the norm for many people?

@WMPAGL the nappy bin does need emptying

@TowelNumber42 no the rest of a time he isn't a dick. Hes lovely. He just doesn't seem to understand why I moan about being tired. Just gets on the defensive.

@CallmeAngelina haha, not cycling no but hes out for 4-5 hours on a saturday. Occasionally all day.

I don't get any time to myself my eldest has SN and so needs me alot and then the sleep monster. If I did have any free time I'd probably find a quiet corner and nap

DH will go in for the first wake up if hes still awake but other than that it is me doing it all. Maybe I approach the conversation in the wrong way.

This morning hes barely said a word to me. He's gone to work now and complained to DC1 about being tired as he's heard the baby since 2am.

Hes honestly a great man in every other aspect it's just really getting to me now and I feel like a pot that's about to bubble over

It is your own fault for encouraging this stupid idea that men don't have to wake up at nights because they work or whatever. Made a rod for your own back and you'll be doing it yourself forever now. Could last years. Good luck.

I genuinely don’t think a ‘great man’ would be happy to see his wife on her knees with exhaustion and do nothing to help.

How do you not resent him? A few weeks of such utter selfishness would have had me boiling over. Never mind 9 months!

Honestly this ridiculous idea that men need unbroken sleep when women with older babies regularly get up several times a night and then work. Women encourage men to be the useless fecks they often are. First their mothers. Then their wife finishes the job.

Bring the baby in your room all night. You take turns in getting up to see to baby. No spare rooms. Take the mattress off the bed and push the bed up onto the wall. Announce that from today,you will both be parents, all day and all night..awful way to treat an adult but as you alreadybtrrwt him like a child with no responsibility or commitment, it shouldn't be a big change.

Imo, he should be doing more. Me and dh have 2 children, and since day 1 we have split it. One morning and night, then switch. I got up with them this morning and will watch the tonight, 5am tomorrow it'll be his turn. It's always worked for us, and that way at least one of us will get some sleep. When they were babies he'd do night feeds too, regardless of work the next morning.

A lot of by people are saying he is selfish, how can he see his wife on her knees etc but for me this depends on the discussions you had before DC2.
What was the expectation re his hobby? What did you agree would happen for night wakings.
My DH would often be in bed reading at 2am when I got up with DC2. He wouldn’t ‘help’ but was woken by the noise. It was ok for him to say the next day that he was tired too. We were both tired!
For us, the difference was he had to go to work and perform the next day, whereas I would roll up to the library and sing wind the bobbin. There is a difference.

@ChilledBee alright, thanks for your ever so helpful and kind words

He just doesn't seem to understand why I moan about being tired. Just gets on the defensive.

Maybe he “does” understand and that’s why he gets defensive - because he knows he should be doing more. That would also explain the grumpiness when you try to discuss it with him.

YADNBU. He should be doing more. At the very least he should be doing weekends.

You’re going to have to tell him how you feel. I do think it’s a bit strange how little he gets involved (and how much sleep he seems to need) so be prepared for complaints from him too. Have suggestions as to how he could help you. Even if he only agrees to weekends, it’d help.

I think it is very helpful to be told that he should have been fathering your baby from the first day and that the spare room stuff was a dumb idea that left you always holding the baby.

@Molly2010 The hobby I have no issue with. He has cut down how often he goes during the week.

Before DS2 was born he said although he couldn't do night feeds he would sit up with me ect, and he did for a few weeks.

It doesn’t matter what the expectations were before the baby was born Molly2010. Things change and you adapt to circumstances. She is exhausted. Struggling. I wouldn’t respect a husband who just said ‘ah well, we agreed you’d do it. Sorry’ and trotted off for his full nights sleep.

I guess it comes down to different personalities.
DC2 has a health issue that effects his sleep. I now realise DC1 was a great sleeper, although I didn’t appreciate it at the time. So when I agreed with DH that I would do all the night wakings before we had DC2 I honestly had no idea what I was agreeing to.
With DC2 I felt I was on my knees with exhaustion. He woke every 45 minutes at night for the best part of the first year. Not to mention the added stress of his medication. But I did it. It felt unfair to go back on what I had agreed with DH. Yes the goalposts had changed, but that wasn’t either of our faults.
That’s why I asked about what was agreed in relation to his hobby. And you say you are happy with that time, so I’m not sure what more you expect your DH to do?
Stay up with you so you are both more tired? He’s already telling you he’s tired as well.
I’m not sure what benefit it will bring to make him do this.

@Molly2010 I expect him to get up with him on the weekends or at least one day over the weekend so I can sleep. Also, now that his night feeds are being reduced, doing some of the wake ups where he is not having a feed would be helpful too.
I dont think IABU to expect this.
He works yes, but he is not a brain surgeon and he is home at a good time of day. I see it as we both have 'day jobs' mine is the house and the kids. I'd also like him to come back into our room but I understand he needs some interrupted sleep too.

I agree in the different personalities. My first was also an amazing sleeper and I also didn't realise that at the time. I too thought it wouldn't be that bad.
We have the waking every 45 minutes due to health reasons too and it was tremendously hard, which is why he went to the spare room. Totally understandable. But things have changed and our relationship is suffering as a result of the way we are doing things.

I agree that the DH is being grumpy and defensive because he knows he's in the wrong.

Posters saying oh the man needs his sleep because looking after DC in the day is so easy. I hope the mum's not got to drive a car at all then! Anyway, if looking after DC is so easy it'd be easy enough to take over at weekends...right?

I have 3 kids & i did the majority of night wakings whilst i breastfed. But my husband does have a job where tiredness could kill him or someone else.

However on his days off he would look after the kids whilst i went for a nap (with ear plugs in!). When bf'ing wasnt an issue on his days off he would get up with the kids and leave me to sleep, and still does now and my eldest is 10.

I think there are people for whome sleep deprivation is just an idea they cant cope with & the very suggestion instills a feeling of terror. My sil was and is one of those people so having had a baby who doesnt sleep through at all has basically left her a stroppy, rude, impatient woman. Her DP however copes much better and so will take over the night wakings whenever possible.

My kids are past the night waking stage but are all very early risers and i am not a morning person!

What @Phineyj said: when dealing with selfish people to draw up a fair schedule (on e.g. a whiteboard or piece of paper on the fridge) and sticking to it like glue

Surely if he sees in black and white how grossly unfair the current schedule was he'd be embarrassed. Why does he get to do a hobby, do you also get time to youself to do a hobby? TBH his attitude, moodiness, grumpiness, lack of desire to help when he sees you struggling, would slowly kill this relationship for me, if it continued. Hope a rota will help OP.

Molly2010 turn it around.
You’ve agreed that your DH will take on a particular task long term. At the time, you have no idea how exhausting this task will be. A couple of months in, it’s clear your DH is struggling with this task. He’s exhausted, and it’s affecting him greatly. Do you...

A) say ‘well we agreed you’d do it so you’re doing it, however much you’re struggling. Not my problem. Oh and can you please stop moaning about it because it’s annoying’

Or

B) Do what you can to help him out?

Yes it might be ‘unfair’ to change the goalposts, but I think a decent man would see that his wife is struggling and want to help. Because he loves her.
That’s the standard I expect (and get) from my marriage anyway.

Dh and I alternated lay ins on a weekend,even though I was sahm and he worked.Id have the sat lay in,he would have the sun or vice versa.

Why doesn't he do bed/bath times?

Why doesn't he get up with the babies on weekends so you can sleep?

...and you must start to take time out for yourself on Sundays so he can get used to looking after the children (child with SN included). The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break habits. Maybe just go to a friend's house for a few hours to watch TV, but do it every weekend so he gets used to it.

Molly that makes no sense. Circumstances change and as a partnership you need to adapt to that.
A person would have to be severely lacking in compassion to hold you to that agreement.

Well I was in your exact position with my second.

I would have cracked up if it wasnt for my husband. He got up with the baby in the morning whenever he was around so I could have an extra couple hours sleep. He took the baby whenever he could in the day plus our toddler so I could nap. He did sleep in the spare room but every night said to come and get him if I needed him. I mostly didnt other than a handful of times (maybe 10) when I was so angry and sleep deprived I was worried I'd snap and hurt the baby when she demanded feeding again even though she had feed 5x already that night, and he would wrap her up and take her a walk round the neighbourhood or a drive to try and take her quiet, in the small hours.

I cant believe not only does your husband not help in the week, which I know divides people, he doesn't do his share at weekends either, and then has the cheek to complain when you are upset at being sleep deprived! He literally couldn't be any less supportive.

In the end we sleep trained at 7 months (disappearing chair method) and it was literally the best thing I did for my own sanity, though it took me a few months to recover mentally (I'd panic every time the baby woke up etc for ages)

@Benes yes circumstances do change and if I had been ill or incapacitated somehow I’m sure we could have changed our arrangement. @SoyDora both myself and my DH have very practical personalities. If he was struggling I’d come up with strategies and solutions but I wouldn’t do the work for him, otherwise it would become a pattern and one person would always end up doing the lions share (a bit like what has happened with the OP).

Bringing it back to the OPs thread, it just seems a bit unreasonable that the OP says she was/is happy with the time he spends on his hobby. That doesn’t seem to be the issue. She is upset that he doesn’t ‘sit up with her’ (OPs words) when she gets up in the night.
I honestly can’t see the benefit in making him more tired then he is by asking him get up in the night when she gets up with the baby. Asking him to get up at the weekend is a different matter. Sounds like you maybe need to have this conversation again and position it differently. So tell him which night he is on duty. Saturday night sounds more suitable if he has commitments on a Saturday morning. Insist on a Sunday lie in and agree you will not be disturbed before 10am?
There’s some good advice about sleep training too.
I understand the comfort feeding element for a baby that was poorly. I’ve been there and also used a sleep training technique (“shush and pat”) which I found online and helped.
I also understand the distance that separate sleeping arrangements can cause. My advice would be to give it time. Baby is still young at 9months and generally sleeping will improve as they get older. Maybe agree with him that when the baby turns one he moves back in. That way you have a date to look forward to and he knows when the arrangement ends.

If he was struggling I’d come up with strategies and solutions but I wouldn’t do the work for him, otherwise it would become a pattern and one person would always end up doing the lions share (a bit like what has happened with the OP)

She’s not asking him to do the lions share. Just a bit of help (and empathy).
You’re obviously happy that your DH didn’t help when you were struggling and that’s fine. I’m glad mine did. We’re all different.

@Molly2010 I think there is miscommunication here. Of course I'm not upset he doesnt sit up with me. There would be no point in us both being equally tired. I am irritated that he doesnt get up with him on at least one morning of the weekend and do a night or two of the settling. I am only feeding twice during the night now so he could settle him say before 12 if he wakes up.

I am currently sleep training doing gradual retreat with the help of a nursery nurse and slowly night weaning too. Had a much better night last night so hopefully progress is coming.

Me and DH had a conversation last night and he's going to help more during the nights so that's good too.