Can parents whose children are now adults help answer this question?

[Redlioness123]

Kind of Taat, but I have come across lots of threads on MN in recent years about the stresses of raising young teens now, particularly given the prevalence of smart phone use (cyber bullying, social media) and safeguarding in general.
My DC is still very young but I'm already starting to dread it. Technology is moving so fast and the pressure seems to be increasing.

I was born in 1986 so started my teens just before the turn of the millennium, and I honestly can't remember there being anything major that used to worry my parents. I asked my mum and she couldn't really pinpoint anything . So was raising teens pre -2010 really less stressful compared to what it's like today? What used to keep you up at night as parents ?

My dc are all adults now, although the oldest didn't become a teen until 2009 so I can't really talk about raising teens much before 2010.
However, having raised 3 since 2010, I can't say I've ever been stressed by social media or cyber bullying.

Some parents worry about all sorts of "what if" scenarios.
Some parents get overly involved in their dcs friendships etc
Some parents are more laid back
Some parents put a lot of work in when their dc are little to make sure they are confident and have a high self esteem and that they learn to keep things in perspective a bit.
Some dc are very unlucky of course, but it isn't a 'given' that their experiences of social media are bad.

My children are in their twenties. I have to admit that we were a little bit strict re game time... only at weekends . They did watch some tv but they weren’t slaves to it. Smartphones/tablets weren’t the norm in our house. Homework had to be done first.
Gosh we were probably harsh.

I'm a year older than you and I can assure you nothing kept my parents awake at night because they had no flipping idea that I was in Yahoo chat or Trouble chat with all the a/s/l stuff or messaging some seriously inappropriate stuff on MSN! I turned out absolutely fine and even married MSN guy but they'd have been horrified to know.

And this would be after 6pm on a pc in their room or at weekends when the Internet (dial up) was free. I accept it wasn't so constant though as no phones or ipads in my own room and certainly no cameras.

I have 3 adult children 29 to 39. Compared with what parents face today I don’t think there was nearly as much to worry about. However bullying was a major issue. Similarly apart from my 29 year old when they were out you wouldn’t always know where they were. Of course as with all parents the worry of them being attacked or worse.
I remember with my first I was worried about the atom bomb.

Well mine are 24 and 16 so fb and phone's have been around since even the oldest was a teen

I'm most worried about knife crime/drinking bullying. That was probably the same as when I was a teen

Although we were able to sneak into pubs at 14 in the 90s, it's more difficult now

So pre 2010, I'd say no. My eldest was 15 then . It was stressful

My 16 year old puts his track my phone on if he's coming home late because he knows I worry.

That could just be dependant on what kind of teen you have though. I'm sure loads won't put tracking on so their parents can see where they are

Well, there was bullying, nuclear war, drugs, whatifIdiebeforethem etc

I'm raising 2 teens (14) and one preteen currently. I'm a year older than you (1985).

To be honest, mine aren't really into technology too much and I am self admittedly an overbearing and over protective parent (eg 14 year olds still not allowed to walk to school alone or play out the front alone etc). I check their iPads (they have to have them for school) regularly and randomly. They do not have nor need to have a phone as I take them to school and pick them up each day and aside from that, they're either with me or my husband (their dad). So that itself makes my life 100% easier I believe.

As for my parents. I do believe parenting was completely different back then. However, I know that while I was out playing all day every day, my only rule was to come home when the street lights came on, my mum and dad had zero idea where I was or who I was with. I cringe at the dangers that I used to put myself into. I do think it was perhaps less stressful for them though as in that era, to keep your child safe you could just keep them at home. Now days danger can creep into your home through technology. Eg bullying, revenge porn, other religions brainwashing vulnerable teens....

The culture of underage drinking and smoking felt worse then. (My dc born 1983-8) . Recreational drugs including Ice (methamphetamine I think) were often in the news. We lost a teen friend to what was known as Mad Cow Disease. And young drivers were sometimes killed on the rural roads around us which worried me when my dc started driving at 17. Anorexia seemed more common then, and was something you worried about. Teen pregnancy as well, before the morning after pill was around.

You seriously don't let your 14 year olds play outside?

Not letting your 14 year old have any freedom or agency is

I'm in my 50s and when I was a teenager my parents and others worried about underage drinking, drugs, teenagers involved in joy riding and car accidents as young drivers, underage pregnancy, AIDS - that was a new one just as I was leaving school. This was in addition to bullying, teen/young adult mental health issues including anorexia and suicide. As a child growing up in the 70s and 80s my friends and I used to worry about nuclear war.

Previous generations got to see their sons being conscripted and sent to die in world wars, daughters working in munitions factories, ...

Basically, as parents and as humans, every generation will have something to worry about and fears about their children's future.

Speak out and act when you can, and otherwise treasure the time you have with your family and friends.

My mum didn’t really get youth culture in the 90s and so didn’t have the knowledge to be worried. I, however did, and my biggest concern as the elder sister of brown boys growing up on the 90s /00s was gangs / drugs. I would also check their bags for anything even remotely weapon like. Drug dealers approaching kids on school routes / knife crime isn’t a new thing.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 not healthy!

Had kids in 96 & 98 reared without drama
Ds 01 is all drama, he and his peers hit every bump on the teen road.
The difference no idea.

Luck
Friends
School
Home

It’s the same water that boils the egg softens the potato.
People are sometimes just more prone to stress or anxiety etc

I was born around the same time as you OP and my mum was worried about underage sex, getting in cars with drunk drivers and drugs. I remember my grandma showing me the photos of Leah Betts in the paper and telling me to never do drugs.

I was rarely kept up at night with worry, Redlioness, however my parents were with me! That's a whole other story but I will say I was determined to bring mine up better; when it happened I was happy and relaxed but, later on, I occasionally came in for criticism (from my mum!). It has to be said that I was right about mine. Also, I loved teenagers!

OP, many people have difficulty at times with their children - but things do pass.

All the very best .

I have older children. I tried to guide them but they chose a different road. They kept a lot of secrets from me but I did worry about the things I knew about. I knew one was drinking underage. Later than one took up with someone very involved with drugs and drink. There was also a lot of violence and criminality. The other one showed signs of knowing that the first one had gone down a wrong route. Later the second one took up with someone with an interest in drugs. There are children involved in both cases. I worry every time I hear a new report of someone of a certain age being involved in car crashes or fights. I worry about events taking place in the areas they live in. I worry because I see them working themselves into the ground without any home back up. I also worry about all the younger children and wonder what chance they have living that life.
I have had to remove myself from the situation because it affects my health. I have had years of all this and it is too much for me. As an adult, I am concerned that children are living in circumstances I can't cope with.
I think as mothers we will always worry about our children

To: TheBouquets

I have nothing to add since my last post but want to say I am so sorry that you have these worries and hope that they fade and die before too long.

@Bluerussian - thank you for your kind words. Unless there is a huge change I think this is best for me even though I do worry about the tiny children. No-one would expect me to stay with a husband who did all the things they did. I stay away for my safety

My DSS2 was born in 87, and didn't give us a moment's worry. He was in with a bit of a dodgy crowd at secondary school but only because he wanted to be friends with the popular kids, not because he was bad. He changed schools and after that made friends who he is still close to now. He never stayed out late or was into drugs, he never smoked or shagged about - he married his second girlfriend. He liked gaming, but grew up in the playstation 1 and 2 era so limited functionality really. He went to uni and has worked ever since.

DSS1 was a different kettle of fish. He was born in 81 but had a lot of medical issues as a young child which meant he didn't really go to school much. He wagged school in his teens when he wasn't in hospital, robbed DH blind and took drugs. DH kicked him out when his behaviour started negatively impacting DSS2 and baby DS (like selling their stuff and raising their piggy banks). He has never worked and is still a stoner, I feel a bit sorry for him really because his parents and brothers didn't really bother with him. He's never really settled down with a woman, but had a child who was removed by SS and is now living with DH's ex.

DS is 19. He is the only one of the brothers to grow up with both parents together (DH and his ex divorced when DSS2 was a baby and DH raised him solo), and also the only one to have fully grown up with the internet accessible all the time. He is determined not to end up like his eldest brother and so is very driven when it comes to keeping his job, although he didn't get great results at A Level due to also being his dads carer during his terminal illness, and having such a lot going on at that time. He has a bit of an attitude at times, but is much closer to DSS2 in his approach and attitude to life. I don't know if that means that DH's parenting skills improved over the years with time and experience, or they are poles apart from DSS1 naturally, but the younger boys had more opportunities as teens than DSS1, mainly because DH and I got together when DSS2 was 12 and so there were 2 incomes in the house, we bought our own home, and moved up tbe career ladders over the years. DSS1 was already an adult and only lived with us for a short time as a family of 5 (a couple of years).

Anyway that's a load of waffle, but hopefully answers the question!

Parents worried less then because of the absence of social media / cctv culture. They simply weren't aware.......the prevailance of underage drinking was far, far worse than things are now. Kids today are a lot more cosseted but also harshly judged. I feel really sorry for them, they're teenagers. Being a twat and making mistakes is a rite of passage. But today's society doesn't seem to allow for it.

I feel we give up on 'nitemare teens' far, far too easily now. Instead of riding the storm and finding the decent human that's still underneath.

I think my dps would ha e worried if they had been aware of the stuff we got up to as teens!

I have DSS(22) DSD(20) and DD(11). DSS was the one we worried about most, he wasn't very interested in school, dabbled with weed at 14 and we worried a lot about 'the wrong crowd'. I still worry about knife crime, just because young men tend to be the main victims but he has a stable relationship, a good circle of friends and has worked his way up to a pretty decent job now so most of our fears have not been realised.

With DSD it was mainly bullying and boys we worried about but she always seemed really level headed and confident so they weren't major worries. She's struggling now, no job (despite decent qualifications), binge drinking and MH issues so maybe we should have worried more

DD remains to be seen, she's been an absolute dream up til now so I do worry we have it all to come through her teens. I already worry about bullying (cyber and otherwise), the internet in general and whether I'm technologically savvy enough to keep her safe and knife crime and I suppose those worries are only going to get worse as she grows up.

Like PP's I shudder when I think about what I got up to but my parents were blissfully unaware. The world does feel more dangerous to me now though and it's no longer the norm to give kids the sort of freedom I had (born 1975) so she's unlikely to get herself into the same sort of scrapes I did at least. Time will tell what fresh horrors we'll have to deal with instead I suppose 😱

I am a bit older than you and my parents main worry was too much underage drinking/getting in a car with a drunk teen driver/me getting pregnant. When I was a teen AIDS was headline news and ecstasy was a growing issue but both seemed very far removed from where I was brought up and I am fairly sure neither was a worry.

I have a teen at the moment and social media is a huge concern. I am lucky that my teen isn't particularly interested in it now but we certainly had a few moments when she was younger of things like other kids being shitty in group chats and adding random people to group chats. Luckily I teach Computer Science, including Internet Safety, so I checked her phone regularly until she was over 16 and was aware and able to stamp out issues before they got out of hand (a 'teenage' boy someone had added to their class group chat who was asking more and more personal questions, for example. No one actually knew who it was).
I know from many years of teaching teens that no one is immune to grooming/cyber bullying/sexting - even the most savvy teens with savvy parents can wind up in a very bad place.
In my opinion parents who do not check their childs' phone are being neglectful. Seriously neglectful.
For those in doubt - google Breck Bednar. What started as fun with his school friends on a gaming server ended up in his murder at 14 years old. His parents knew there was a problem, even reported it to the police but too late to prevent his death.
Every other week there is a teen in school who sent a naked or nearly naked photo to a boyfriend or girlfriend who then shared it with others. The parents invariably had no idea - but never checked their phone or monitored their internet access.