Can parents whose children are now adults help answer this question?

[Redlioness123]

Kind of Taat, but I have come across lots of threads on MN in recent years about the stresses of raising young teens now, particularly given the prevalence of smart phone use (cyber bullying, social media) and safeguarding in general.
My DC is still very young but I'm already starting to dread it. Technology is moving so fast and the pressure seems to be increasing.

I was born in 1986 so started my teens just before the turn of the millennium, and I honestly can't remember there being anything major that used to worry my parents. I asked my mum and she couldn't really pinpoint anything . So was raising teens pre -2010 really less stressful compared to what it's like today? What used to keep you up at night as parents ?

Tvstar
I think my dps would ha e worried if they had been aware of the stuff we got up to as teens!
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I feel the same.

I'm not so sure it's the grown up dc you need to look at.
Mine are 28 and 24, and we managed fine because tech wasn't half as advanced as today.
They grew up with phones but no internet access except from at home.
There weren't the same pressures as today, they just missed it.

I would say as long as you educate them well about the pros and cons, don't give unrestricted use, and keep them from skulking in bedrooms and you'll be fine.
I found with our 15 year old dd it was much worse ito having to keep on top of social media, and internet access/ homework.

My youngest is still a teenager (just). Have to say, the Internet was nowhere near the top if my worries. 23yo dd is still suffering from PTSD after bullying, not from peers or random strangers over the Internet, but from a headteacher she saw every day. 2 of ds' teachers were sacked for paedophilia, one went to prison, but I don't think he has ever been at risk from anyone online: this was decidedly the old-fashioned type of behaviour, (certainly around in my day, but far less likely to be reported). There are drug dealers out on the streets--as there were in my day. Underage drinking doesn't seem to have got any worse and drink driving is definitely less prevalent. In my young day, driving home from the pub after a night out was something respectable middle age people did, let alone youngsters.

Great posts from
@Seeingadistance at 01:13:56 and
@Whoops75 at 01:19:18

That doesn't sound at all healthy @Hellofromtheotherside2020
How are they learning to risk assess? To socialise? To make the transition from child to adult ?

Omg @Seren85! Trouble chat - my friend and I thought we were so sexy and mischievous calling ourselves HotandMoist fucking we were 13!

Actual bullying was a thing for my poor DD, who became a teen in 2011. And it was blimmin difficult to get the school to take any interest. I’d say actual bullying is still more of a problem than cyber bullying. The latter leaves a footprint if the victim is smart enough to take screenshots. The former, as the bully knows all too well, is one word against anotjer

I have copy of a long letter from someone in my family (a vicar) blaming his wife & her extended absence (caring for relatives far away) for their 12-13yo daughter going off the rails. Seems like the girl had been drinking with teen friends AND with some random adult man she barely knew. Barely 5 yrs later the girl was pregnant, had an abortion. She briefly got married but husband was violent so soon divorced.

The letter was written in 1937 or 1938.
The girl's younger brother went away to WWII where he promptly lost
half a leg (luckily that's all, blown out of an armoured car).

I'm just saying, people have worried about teenagers since forever!!

4 here ,all adults bar one
Terrorism ,
One of mine was due to go to Barcelona,around the time of a terrorist attack,or a bomb or something ..I remember hoping the school would cancel..they didn’t and all was fine
But that’s the only major time I’ve worried

My dd is 18, she went through a phase if I didn’t take her phone off her at night (mid teens) she would be on it all night. I think they panic that they will miss something if they aren’t always on it.

She also won’t wear the same outfit twice for being photographed in it and cannot wear it again!

She has allowed me to put tracking on her phone so we can both see where each other is.

I was worried that she was becoming socially awkward she wasn’t going out as much as I did and then I think this generation sit in their bedrooms and chat online to each other which I think is really sad.

A family friend has had an issue with her daughter taking pictures of herself and sharing with teenage boys - it’s just a mindfield but I think if you have an open and honest relationship with your child then hopefully they can bring things to your attention etc.

I do worry about bullying this day in age- at least before all this social media it would just be at school but now it’s constant people can track you down at home and there is no way of escaping.

I’m glad I’m not a teenager this day in age

Internet didnt really concern me. Cellphones did. Lay down rules immediately before they have access to phones, internet. Check their phones check their internet history. Know who their friends are and family. Let them know you are there for anything, any questions. Tell them to not be afraid to confide in you. Speak to them about drugs, sex at the right age. Never turn a blind eye and always go with your gut feeling. Be a parent not a friend. Discipline is hard, probably harder on you than your kids. Stick to it. Have a stable home. Kids and teens thrive on stability. They dont need lots of material things they need lots of love. Do not make a big deal out of the small things. Pick and choose your battles wisely. Raised 4. Hardest thing I did. I got through it. So will you. Best wishes.

Also, I homeschooled my children once they were middle school age. One of the best decisions I made. I couldn't tolerate bullying. I didnt raise my kids to bully and I couldn't dare for them to be bullied. I always told them dont start trouble and dont take trouble. Make sure they are involved in after school activities keep them busy busy busy.

My DCs were born mid 90s. They're into technology but not consumed by it. When they were younger I got them into creative after school/holiday activities so maybe that's why. I'm not sure. I know I had lots of worries and stresses about raising kids but I can't really remember what they were now so, can't have been so bad although I bet I thought they were at the time.

I don't tend to look at worst outcome scenarios anyway, as parents we can only do our best.

Some of the responses here are very wide opening.

I'm a couple of years younger than you, I asked my mum while I was pregnant this question and she said the only time she worried about me as a teen was when I was older and started going out at the weekend (she said it was more for my safety than anything, dad would lay awake until I got home, even if that was 5am and he had to be up at 7 for work) We lived too far away from school for me to hang out with friends after school, so I very rarely 'played out' or bothered with after school clubs.

My dad used to check up on my computer use, so early/mid 2000s was MSN and MySpace, once he found a conversation he wasn't happy with the content of and we had a chat, that was it. I think that stopped once I was 16 and finished compulsory education.

They worried more about my younger brother because he seemed to have no direction, she said they were worried he wasn't going to be happy because he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life (spoiler alert, he's highly successful in his field and lives on the other side of the world now) I think that has created a whole new worry about him for them.

I'm 53. mI think a lot of 'worries' were more located to a time and a place and to a certain extent technology but not in the ways you may think.

My mum was exposed to rubella in early pregnancy, she had no option to find out if I was damaged in any way until after giving birth.

I was born not long after the moors murders, I remember my mum being very hot on not talking to strangers, and strangers could be women as well. We lived in Yorkshire.

Then in my teens there was the Yorkshire ripper. We'd moved across the Pennines then.

Strangely the were not bothered by the flasher in the flats where the bus stopped.

He'd been flashing at school buses for at least a week before the school found out.

We were convinced there would be a nuclear war.

@Hellofromtheotherside2020 I'm sure your actions come from a place of love, care and concern but it really is bonkers to keep your 14 year old as restricted as you describe. In 4 years time they will be able to leave your care and if you haven't gradually introduced them to managed risks, they are not going to be able to make rational decisions on how to keep themselves safe. Ultimately they will then possibly be in a far more dangerous position than if you gave them some freedom now and alongside that freedom, helped teach them how to keep themselves safe.

I have a 20 year old and a 14 year old both DDs. The oldest - social media was a nightmare mainly due to her personality ( used to get involved in everyone's dramas) and Facebook. The youngest. Easy so far. Why? Because she keeps out of girl fallouts and teens that age no longer use Facebook. So basically it depends on the personality of the child/ teen.

My parents worried about me getting pregnant. Constantly.

I had two older brothers but it seemed to them that as I was a girl, that was what girls did, get pregnant.

My DCs are now late teens or early 20s.

The only major problem we had was youngest self harmed very badly during her mid teens. We had to ensure that all sharp objects, lighters, paracetamol were kept under supervision.

Now as a very late teen she is much more aware of her own mood and works hard to avoid anything which can affect her mood. eg is a student but drinks fairly lightly, doesnt take recreational drugs. Gets plenty of sleep and tries not to let issues/problems build up.

My DS was born in 1995. We went through so much in his early years - birth mum abandoning him, his dad dying - I was grateful if he was just alive and breathing every day.

I did eventually take his devices away in his teens every night at 10pm because he was getting into arguments on FB and allowing classmates to wind him up.

I think there was a major sea change about anxieties in the last 20 or so years.

When I was a child growing up in the 70s/80s, the major threat felt like it was nuclear war. Lots of stuff about the 8 minute warning, docu-dramas like Threads.

Our pc was in the living room. When it came to social media, they could only have it on the condition that I had the passwords too and they they knew I would 100% be logging in to check the content. This worked well for us. If they didn't like it, they could lump it.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 unless your 14 year olds have extra needs why is their life so restricted?

Assuming they are NT teenagers you will find that this level of wrapping them up in cotton wool will backfire spectacularly. They will probably go off the rails at the first sniff of freedom. Do they not have any friends?

Some parents put a lot of work in when their dc are little to make sure they are confident and have a high self esteem and that they learn to keep things in perspective a bit.

BackforGood I did this with DD, butit didn't work. I encouraged her and praised her, but she still felt that she wasn't good at stuff. Then she was horribly bullied at school, and the little self esteem she had came crashing down.

I hate the way social media makes people feel so isolated. This applies to adults as well as teenagers. I have read so many threads on here where posters have seen posts on Facebook where all of their friends have been out somewhere and they weren't invited.

I have two DS 18 & 16, they are very into insta, you tube etc. SM causes them to be much less social in my experience, lots of phone, WhatsApp communication.

Bullying never been an issue for either of them.

The main issue at school/college is drugs tbh.

You never stop worrying as a mum, every time my son drives his car, I am worrying till he’s home. It never stops, my advice is to keep communication going, which isn’t always easy with teens.

My boys tell me everything, if our dining table could talk, it could tell some tales!

Enjoy your children while they are little it goes too quick OP, it really does.

I was born in 1982 and my parents didn't have a clue about chat rooms etc (even though my mum was an IT teacher!) Id get up to all sorts on Yahoo chat and the rest. Seeing a/s/l still makes me shudder.

My older sister went massively off the rails as a teen (had a relationship with a teacher, drinking, drugs etc) so they were very over protective of me and barely let me out so I saved going off the railed until I left for university.

Whoops75 genius post. I have never heard that saying before. It makes a lot of sense!

To be honest, mine aren't really into technology too much and I am self admittedly an overbearing and over protective parent (eg 14 year olds still not allowed to walk to school alone or play out the front alone etc). I check their iPads (they have to have them for school) regularly and randomly. They do not have nor need to have a phone as I take them to school and pick them up each day and aside from that, they're either with me or my husband (their dad). So that itself makes my life 100% easier I believe.

WOW.

You have no idea what your children are up to.

They may not be up to much, but then they might be up to a lot.

I was taken to and picked up from school. My school was all girls and run by nuns.

I could access drink and drugs, knew where I could by as single cigarette and 2 matches.

I'd be surprised if your teens don't have a phone, it will be hidden and the sound switched off.

Drugs
Bullying
Relationship issues including under age sex, grooming, getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant
Worrying when late home etc