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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Acceptable level of child contact?

31 replies

westendgirlx · 29/10/2019 21:03

Could I have people's views on this, please? What is the acceptable amount of contact for a fourteen and a half year old girl with her father who lives 150 miles away?

I moved to be with my new husband and my daughter lives with us. We've been here three years and she's settled and has just started her GCSEs.

Her dad lives in the town we used to live in with his new wife.

I have been driving her up and down for contact with her father for several years. Always me because her dad doesn't drive and neither does his new wife!

He used to give us child maintenance but now he pays nothing because he has lost his job.

I've been trying to get my daughter to decide for herself how often she would like to visit now she's getting older but she's finding that very difficult.

Her father and I have never really agreed on how much contact he should have. We have discussed it time and time again. There's no perfect solution.

What do you guys think??

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 29/10/2019 21:07

Youve not said what contact they have now or how much either of them actually wants. Does maintenance not come out of unemployment benefits?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2019 21:22

You should stop putting your DD in the position of having to make a decision that she clearly doesn't want to (or should have to make).

It seems to me that she is happy with the visitation arrangements and her happiness should come first.

underneaththeash · 29/10/2019 21:26

Can she not get public transport and her father contribute. My 13 yo is capable of going to see both grandmas alone - They are around 200 and 300 miles away.

lyralalala · 29/10/2019 21:27

What contact does she currently have? If she's happy with that then that should continue

And when you moved her away from her non-driving parent then you were committed to doing all the travel imo.

OnlineShopping · 29/10/2019 21:31

I've been trying to get my daughter to decide for herself how often she would like to visit now she's getting older but she's finding that very difficult.

I think this is really unkind and unfair of you. By not answering, she is telling you that she wants to continue seeing her father either as often as she currently does or even more so. Why should she suffer because you moved away? I imagine she has many friends still where her father lives and would quite possibly prefer to be there.

Saharafordessert · 29/10/2019 21:34

You chose to move away therefore you facilitate contact.....harsh but true.
Maintenance and contact are two completely separate issues.

MoggyP · 29/10/2019 21:38

As you moved away, you should be transporting her for at least the same amount of contact as she previously had. It is her right to have a relationship with her father, and you should not keep on asking her about it. Just ensure she has it.

And yes that means both expense and admin for you, but that's an inherent part of the cost of choosing to move away. It's not up to the side of the family you removed her from to do the travel, so it doesn't matter whether they drive or not. This was you choice and these are your consequences to live with.

AuntieStella · 29/10/2019 21:39

By not answering, she is telling you that she wants to continue seeing her father either as often as she currently does or even more so. Why should she suffer because you moved away?

Agree completely

Drinkciderfromalemon · 29/10/2019 21:43

Agree with pps- you moved, therefore cost and logistics of transporting her are your problem, not his.

Crazycatperson · 29/10/2019 21:47

How often did she see him before you moved?

thethoughtfox · 29/10/2019 21:48

The law is that the person who moves away must facilitate contact. My friend got legal advice on this when she planned to move away.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 29/10/2019 21:49

I completely agree that you moved so you should absolutely be taking her to him. How much contact does he want?

Peony99 · 29/10/2019 21:52

Poor poor girl being made to answer that question!

Boots20 · 29/10/2019 21:54

Sorry I will probably get slated for this but although you were the one to move her away....that's life...people move every day, her dad should be doing his driving lessons as soon as he finds employment - that is going to solve so many problems in itself then it takes OP out of the equation when it comes to contact etc

lyralalala · 29/10/2019 21:56

people move every day

And people get prohibited steps orders every day to stop their exes moving their children hundreds of miles away

He didn’t. He let the OP have her move. She knew he couldn’t drive, therefore facilitating the travel is on her head until her DD is old enough to do it on her own

Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 22:01

It's up to dd. At 12 +14 my dc stopped seeing df at all.
Not driving seems a cop out.
He could meet her by train half way!

TheRedFox · 29/10/2019 22:02

@thethoughtfox

The law is that the person who moves away must facilitate contact. My friend got legal advice on this when she planned to move away.

No, this is not "the law". It is the view the Family Court often expresses when asked to decide these issues but this will depend on the circumstances of the individual case.

Boots20 · 29/10/2019 22:06

And the reality is that the OP and her daughter did move.....so the obvious thing would be for the dad to do some driving lessons and get a car so he can do some pick ups, obviously once he is back in employment

Ellisandra · 29/10/2019 22:09

An acceptable amount of contact could be for her to move in with him, and you to drive up to take her out to dinner every other Saturday night. If that was right for her, that would be acceptable.

If he was in the RAF and deployed, not seeing him for 9 months might also be acceptable to her.

How can we know? What does she have now, what does she want? I agree with PP that her avoiding answering could be because she’s happy now but feels under pressure to change.

My finger in the air would be for her to go up him EOW, have as much phone contact as she wants, and to spend 2 full weeks in the summer and 2x 1 full week in other holidays.

Dollymixture22 · 29/10/2019 22:12

Have to agree, you took her away from her other parent, knowing he couldn’t drive. Therefore it’s up to you to do the running,

She needs to maintain a relationship with her dad (unless there is some form of abuse). So you need to do as much as you can to keep a strong relationship.

It sounds a little like you think it’s a hassle and want to reduce contact. I think this would be a huge mistake - and quite a selfish move.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2019 22:17

It sounds a little like you think it’s a hassle and want to reduce contact. I think this would be a huge mistake - and quite a selfish move.

I agree. You chose your relationship with your new bloke over her relationship with her dad. Not amazing. The very least you can do is not make her feel bad for wanting to see her father regularly.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2019 22:19

At 14 I bet she does have an opinion but feels too guilty to express it. I’m guessing if she ‘can’t decide’ the answer might be she wants a reduction but as you’ll drive her anyway she doesn’t want to think about it. Get her a bus / train pass and encourage her to make the trip herself and she may well be more honest.

Dollymixture22 · 29/10/2019 22:21

Or, maybe she has picked up her mum doesn’t really want to make the journey as often as she currently does.

No way for us to know. However study after study has found its damaging for a teenage pr to lose contact with a parent.

Boots20 · 29/10/2019 22:22

You chose your relationship with your new bloke over her relationship with her dad

Oh come on the whole situation cant be narrowed down like that, OP said she drives daughter to visit her dad, who is also married. The man needs a driver's licence at some stage,, if not for his daughter then maybe for potential future kids, hospital runs, employment, daughter going to university etc

Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 22:27

I moved 40 ish miles away. Drove 500 miles a week to keep to out of date court order so dc would keep same routine. Ds bowed out as and when friends /parties etc kept them at df's way...
At 12 +14 they went nc with df. Their wish. He didn't argue. They had no real relationship with him. His own doing. Certainly not my lack of driving... The op's dd may want to just be a teen at home.

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