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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid dresses

32 replies

Sparkey47 · 29/10/2019 19:22

My best friend is getting married and asked me to be her bridesmaid, I’m over the moon of course and would love to support her on her big day, however she’s asked the bridesmaids (there’s 3 of us) to pay for our own dresses and make up, she’s already found the dresses and she’s in love with them, I don’t particularly like them however, and altogether it would cost me £190 for it all. I know it may not sound like a lot of money to some, but I’ve got a young baby so I’m still on maternity pay and my and my partner don’t earn that much as it is so money is a bit tight, she’s not struggling for money as they both still live at home and work good jobs. I get that weddings can easily add up but then she could just cut back elsewhere to make it work, one of the other bridesmaids is in the exact same boat as me. Everyone else has been shocked at why she’s asking us to pay for stuff when it’s her wedding, I’m never going to wear the dress ever again, AIBU to not want to pay? Should I say something? I just don’t want to upset her.

OP posts:

Amys136 · 29/10/2019 19:24

Could you explain your situation and suggest going halves? If not then I’d step down rather than risk a friendship if you’d end up resenting her

BasinHaircut · 29/10/2019 19:24

Yes I’d say if she wants you to but your own outfit you have to:

A - like it and want to wear it again
B - be able to afford it

I don’t agree with asking bridesmaids to pay for stuff however so I’d have said no no begin with

Yeahnahyeah1 · 29/10/2019 19:24

That’s outrageous. Tell her straight that you cannot afford that money, the others will probably thank you for being the one to stand up and say it.
It’s completely wrong of the bride to expect you to pay for a dress you didn’t choose, and don’t even like, and for your hair and make up to be done for a day that isn’t for you. If they want something specific, they pay for it.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 29/10/2019 19:25

And actually (sorry this has wound me up!!) it’s not about if you can afford it or not, it simply shouldn’t have been asked of you in the first place.

misspiggy19 · 29/10/2019 19:25

Nope I wouldn’t be paying. Very poor of her to ask you to pay.

TheoneandObi · 29/10/2019 19:25

Is the chosen dress one you can wear again to parties etc? If it is maybe you could ask your mum or partner or someone to contribute as a gift?
If it isn’t, could you nudge her in that direction?

LagunaBubbles · 29/10/2019 19:28

Of course say something! This is so wrong, brides should be paying for all the dresses.

Mumofboth · 29/10/2019 19:28

That’s ridiculous. If you choose your dress you pay for it, if it’s chosen the bride does; that’s the rule. The same applies with make up.
Tell her you can’t afford it but would be happy to buy a similar dress and arrange your own hair and make up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2019 19:29

She’s completely out of order. Everyone knows the rules. If you dictate the dress you pay for it. Otherwise it’s basically a charge for being in the wedding party. She sounds the type to expect you to fund her part in a ridiculous hen do and make you stump up for a room in a poncy hotel etc. Slippery slope my friend, draw some boundary lines now or it’ll spiral out of control quickly.

tigger001 · 29/10/2019 19:29

She's not unreasonable to ask, but you certainly are not unreasonable to explain you simply don't have the money.

Don't turn it into a big thing and fall out. It doesn't make her a bad friend for asking nor you a bad friend for declining.

Just sit face to face and be honest, explain you really would love to be a bridesmaid but are just not in a position to pay for it. There's no need to upset her and say you don't like her choice in dress, it won't change anything just say you don't have the spare cash.

Graphista · 29/10/2019 19:30

I used to work in the industry, expecting bridesmaids to pay for the dresses etc the bride wants is a very recent development, and not traditional for UK at all.

No, if she wants you wearing a certain dress and having hair/make up a certain way she and her fiancé pay for it!

Have the wedding you wish BUT costs are on the bridal couple NOT on GUESTS.

greeentopmilk · 29/10/2019 19:32

When I got married I paid for everything I wanted the bridesmaids to have/wear then asked them to sort themselves out for anything else.

So I bought their dresses and matching jewellery/

They paid for their hair/makeup or did their own and they wore shoes they already had or bought some new if they wanted to.

I wasn't terribly fussed about them being identical and wanted them to be comfortable and happy. And I couldn't afford to go all out and wouldn't dream of asking them to pay for anything on my say so.

It's just not on to expect bridesmaids and ushers to fork out for anything the bride and groom are asking them to wear.

CAG12 · 29/10/2019 19:32

When I got married the bridesmaids dresses were by far the biggest stress.

That said, I would never ask someone to pay for something they a) didnt choose and b) didnt like

Maybe mention your financial restrictions to her

MaMaMaMySharona · 29/10/2019 19:45

I bought my bridesmaids skirts and asked that they wear their own tops and shoes (whatever they wanted). I would never have asked them to pay for a dress that I had picked, massively unreasonable. In fact I’m a bridesmaid next year for someone who asked if I’d be happy to pay for a dress she picked and I said no

Sometimes when you’re getting married you can get very caught up in the costs and everything being perfect, but really your friendship is more important - just be honest and say you can’t afford it, if she’s a good pal she will understand!

ThatLibraryMiss · 29/10/2019 20:18

She's been reading too many American brides' blogs.

Wearywithteens · 29/10/2019 20:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 29/10/2019 20:52

I think it should be ask bridesmaid to pay = bridesmaid chooses (or at least has some cheap options), bride pays = brides choice. Of course there is some compromise to be had, but demanding someone else pay 200 quid for a dress that they don't like, to properly 'celebrate' them signing a contract, is unreasonable. I'd just be honest and say you're not earning at the moment, your budget is 50 quid or whatever, you can either put that towards it and she pay the rest or you can look for something similar that you can afford

PlanBea · 29/10/2019 20:52

Anything the bride picks (dress, professional hair/makeup) the bride pays for. She can ask eg if you want professional hair for £x or if not to put it up/have it loose/some other vague request but not a "exactly mimic this updo from Pinterest", or request a colour of dress. Just tell her you can't afford it. Very cheeky of her to demand.

CantstandmLMs · 29/10/2019 20:57

Nope!!

SuitedandBooted · 29/10/2019 21:02

So it's "Pay to be a part of my wedding". No thanks. It's really very bad manners to make bridesmaids pay for dresses they won't wear again, and can't really afford. Just tell her how you feel. You have family expenses - she lives with her parents! It's not fair of her to cut costs by making YOU pay.

When I was a bridesmaid the bride paid for everything. We wore blue dresses based on the one Grace Kelly wore in To Catch a Thief. She put as much effort into them as she did for her own dress.They were beautiful, - we even had necklaces made from our birthstones as a keepsake.
Why do these CF brides push the costs onto their friends? If you can't afford it, change your wedding plans.

rosewater20 · 29/10/2019 21:06

I agree that if the bride wants a particular dress, makeup, etc., then she needs to pay for it. I am getting married next year and let my bridesmaids pick out the dresses they wanted to wear, and I am paying for them (I have one bridesmaid coming from across the world for the wedding and didn't feel right asking her to buy a dress and a plane ticket). I am also purchasing all of the accessories and buying them a thank you present too.

I was in a wedding two years ago that cost me thousands between buying a hideous dress I never wore again, plane tickets, and then the hen do and bridal shower. I am still a bit resentful with my friend over it, and the cost of it caused me a lot of stress for months. I wish I just told her no from the start regarding the cost of the dress, etc.

Graphista · 29/10/2019 21:14

I married long enough ago that hiring dresses was still very common, I'm not really sure why that has more or less disappeared as bridesmaid dresses aren't really the kind of dress you can wear again.

My 3 bridesmaids were at that time living in 3 different countries - none of them in the country I was living in! So actually co-ordinating through hire stores who all stocked 2 well known ranges made things much easier, this was pre-internet being widely used too.

This meant I was able to do the matchy thing without too much trouble (one bm had a slightly different style as she had a scar she wanted covered)

I think to be honest that bridal couples these days start from a point of "what kind of wedding do we want" and then desperately try and find ways to cover the costs rather than the far more sensible way of working out what they can afford first and then finding a wedding that fits their budget.

It's ONE day, it's not worth offending your loved ones, getting into debt, causing themselves more stress than is absolutely necessary

Expressedways · 29/10/2019 21:25

I agree she’s been reading too many American bridal blogs as it’s the norm in the U.K. for the bride to pay for dresses and hair/make-up if required. Or maybe she’s just a CF. I’m not sure how you can tell her that she really should be paying for this stuff without causing a row though. You could say that due to being on maternity leave you really can’t afford £190 for a dress plus professional hair and make-up and stress how tight money is and leave it there. Or if you’re childhood friends and close to the family, could you have a word with her Mum about how stressed you are about the cost? She might put her daughter right about who should be paying.
Good luck as you’re going to need it, just wait for the hen-do planning!

MaggieMcSplash · 29/10/2019 21:30

Tell her you'd love to be her bridesmaid but can't afford it. I think the bride should pay for the dress, hair and make up. I did this and got their jewellery as a present. Most brides pay for the dresses at least. Have any of the other bridesmaids said anything?

Wattagoose90 · 29/10/2019 21:33

I think it's super cheeky to ask your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses and makeup! I've been a bridesmaid 3 times, bride once and bride has paid for everything each time. It's their day so you shouldn't have to struggle financially, especially when you have no say in the dresses either.

Personally I'd be upfront and say exactly what you have in the post above - you're on mat pay and as much as you'd love to be her bridesmaid, you just can't afford the costs and you're super sorry but you'd like to support as a guest instead.

Don't forget she'll likely be wanting you to pay to attend her hen do and there's probably an expectation to split her costs for that, too.

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