Blended family and finances

[Alyssa80]

Hi all,

DP and I met 2 years ago. I’m 39 with a 5 yo DD. He’s 42, divorced with 2 DS (11 and 7).
We’re getting married next summer and hunting for a new place to buy together.

DP has sole custody of his children. Their mother left when the youngest was still in diapers and they rarely see her. My ex left me for another woman while I was pregnant. He gradually drifted away and he stopped seeing her altogether 2.5 years ago.

So when DP and I met, we were on the same page: any person that wanted to be part of our lives needed to be 100% committed to not just being a step parent but to be a parent, period.
My DD has a father, on paper, but doesn’t have a dad so the new man in my life needed to be that: her dad not someone who would keep a “STEP-FATHER NOT FATHER” distance IYKWIM. He wants the same thing too.

I love his boys to bits. I’m 100% willing to see and treat them like if they were biologically mine but when it comes to finances, I have an issue.

I make more money than him (almost 50% more) but he wanted us to split all expenses 50/50. That for me wouldn’t be fair so instead, I said we should contribute proportionally to our incomes.
So instead of paying 50£ each on a 100£ bill, since I make 150£ for every 100£ he makes, I pay 60£ and he pays 40£. That covers all expenses including kids’ expenses. My ex pays child support, his doesn’t. So for me, it would be fair to keep that money out of the family income. I want to save all of that money for my DD since that’s hers. At the same time, I feel guilty because that would be treating the 3 kids differently when I promised I wouldn’t.

Furthermore, I have a life insurance policy and own the apartment DD and I been living in. I’m selling this apartment to buy the new place. I’m willing to change the beneficiaries on the life insurance policy to include the boys but I don’t want to change my will so in case anything happens to me, my share of the house would go to my DD only. Again, I’m torn about that.

AIBU here ?

First, you need legal advice. You owe it to your DD to ensure that she is protected against all eventualities however unpleasant. This includes separation and if you die.

I would ensure that in both situations your new partner doesn’t have any claim on property beyond what you choose to share. But you need sound advice on this - do not wing it or assume all will be ok

It's easy to say you want to treat them all equally but, as you've just described, it's not that simple! Fact, no slight on you.

When it comes to family money/joint income, it might just be easier to go 50/50, he has two DC you have one, when it comes to child support you are clearly favouring your DD, whilst you say it's hers, it is to help with her day to day life, not a nice to have, could you not put all the money in the pot and set up savings accounts for each of the them?

I completely understand about wanting to have "your" half of a property for DD, but again, this clearly favours your DD.

You make a lot of wanting your DP to be DDs Dad, not step-dad and say he feels the same about you and his DSs, but if you really do want to be one family then all money should go in the pot and all share equally, it's the only way to be fair to everyone.

Blending a family is not easy, but IMO, you're always going to favour your DD financially, your DP and his DSs may become resentful.

Sorry, I answered the day to day cost bit and hadn't given thought to the points @Provincialbelle made.

Definitely get legal advise on wills and life insurance and what would happen to the DC in the event of either of you dying.

I'm not sure where to start with this, so I'll focus on the suggestion that you want your daughters child support to be kept out of the "family" finances and just for her, but I'm guessing that you may not have a long term, legally binding with your ex, and if that's the case, then when you and your new partners relationship becomes serious, and he heard that you want this other person to be a "daddy" and not just a "step daddy" then he might decide that he can pay for her then! So to me, until you've had legal advice, even this could be a moot point...

If your married and house in joint name - wouldn't it go to your husband?

I'd put dd maintenance in a savings account for her and match it with savings accounts for the boys from joint finances.

I think it's lovely you want to treat all the kids equally, it's very commendable, however, the fact is they are not your children. Your priority is and should be your dd. You need to see a solicitor. Protect the apartment and the life assurance policy for your dd only. Take a different policy for your dh so that his sons are protected. Treat them equally in day to day life/birthdays/Christmas/education but when you make a will and take a life assurance policy you do so with your death in mind as things stand not the future so protect your dd in your will as if you were going to die tomorrow so you would definitely want her financial future protected over your step sons.

It's so early to make such drastic decision. You've only been together 2 years, that's nothing. So much can change as you grow. You might love his kids now but feel differently when the eldest hit puberty.

However much you fantasize of the perfect blended family, you can't ignore that your child does have a different father and them different mum.

Your dilemma is already showing that there is an element of picking and choosing as to what constitute full blending. You are better off starting slow and just let it grow naturally.

You met this man two years ago, you would be mad to change your will/your life assurance policy to include three people you know two years or less over your dd. Is that romantic? Nope but it's realistic, sorry. If you die tomorrow why would you want two boys with two parents to get the same as your dd who had only one feckless parent left?

Honestly I think this is dangerously early to proceed when you have children to consider.

You've known him two years. It's not long enough to know. It just isn't.

If you didn't have kids, fine. If you didn't have assets you need to be so so careful about, then fine. But you do.

My advice would be to put everything off for another year.

OP tread very carefully. Remember separation/divorce can happen and his 2 dc as lovely as they are are not in any legal way tied to you. I assume you wouldn't want to jeopardise your dd's future inheritance for the sake of not treading on their toes.

There was a recent thread where the OP was in your dd's shoes. Her father died, the stepmother did not honour the wishes of her husband and the OP's stepbrothers walked away with everything. It was especially painful as the family home had been purchased by her late mother and the OP got nothing.

Finances can scupper relationships.
Making sure all the DC have the same quality & quantity of food, clothes, presents, holidays, the same rules to abide by & the same warmth & affection shown to them is a fine thing to achieve. Money is another matter altogether.
How much are each of you putting towards the proposed house purchase? Has he also a large sum from the sale of a property or is it all coming from you? Who even asks about the beneficiaries on your life insurance? Did he bring that up? As for your Will, marriage invalidates any existing Will & you're treated as having died intestate, in which event he would inherit as the surviving spouse.
No-one gets married/sets up home with someone expecting it all to go horribly wrong but that's the reality more often than not these days. If you & he split up in all probability you'd see nothing of his DS from then on & if the worst happened & you died before divorce should they really get 2/3rds of your life insurance & home instead of your own daughter?
If you both had equal financial positions then fine, split everything, but you don't so use common sense.

My friend rented out her house and kept it in her name and they bought together for the new home. It was 50/50 deposit and ownership although I imagine she earns more than him at this point but once retire they will be on the same- he is partially retired really.

He sold his and used some for his share of the deposit but gave the rest to his grown up DC, he has a good pension due and will also inherit a reasonable amount.

So. keep your house. Buy a new home jointly 50/50.

Legal advice. Does either of the other parents have pr?

I’m 100% willing to see and treat them like if they were biologically mine but when it comes to finances, I have an issue.

To me, if they all live with you 24/7 they should all be treated the same as if you and your DH had them between you, ie as if your DSCs were your adopted children. Just because they're not blood, they are still your family.

The CM payments your DD's father makes are not "for her", they're for you to be able to take care of her as she grows up. The fact that you have a good income and don't rely on that contribution to her upbringing doesn't mean the money should go into savings for only her.

IF you're really serious about being a family, you need to stop with the 'them and us' thing and treat everyone the same.

Who even asks about the beneficiaries on your life insurance? Did he bring that up? I imagine if the OP is talking about buying property with her H then this is a vital part of it - life insurance is needed so that if one of you dies the other doesn't end up homeless. I'd be thinking about that for sure before moving in with my DP.

Thanks all for your comments, very helpful.
@ProfessionnalBoss I’m not sure I understand your point but when my ex left he promised he would still be involved and co parent DD. Then his now wife got pregnant and he decided that he needed to spend more time with her and less with DD. Eventually, once his son was born, he decided he had no time for DD anymore and went from seeing her every other month to not seeing her at all. This had nothing to do with my personal situation.
I didn’t decide to cut him off or anything, he did.

@Justapatchofgrass I thought about that. The thing his me need space so the new place will be expensive. Making a big down payment means lower interest rates on the loan but you’re right. That’s probably the smart thing to do

@EileenAlanna on the house we agreed He would make a slightly bigger down paiement to compensate for the fact that I would be paying more or of the mortgage. To be fair to him, he never brings those things up, I do. He’s a bit old school and feels like he should be doing more just because he’s the man 😊

2 years is no time to be blending living together and getting married.

Well of course he doesn't bring these things up, it looks like he has landed on his feet, why would he?

You absolutely need to protect your daughter in the event of your death.

I have heard too many stories where the step parent cuts off the step child(ren) when their parent dies.

You can buy your house so you own it separately (is that tenants in common? I can never remember). Make a new will in expectation of marriage - I assume this is still a legal term, its what we did 16 years ago before marriage. It just meant our forthcoming marriage didn't make the will void.

If you don't need your daughters child maintenance then i would have an account in her name (an ISA is probably a good idea) and just put it all there.

I think it's important to treat them all the same day to day. So similar birthday and Christmas expenses, same opportunities for clubs and school trips.

I don't think its a big deal that your dd will have a nice nest egg. She could have been given that by her dad anyway. If your dp wants similar for his dcs he needs to save for them.

when my ex left he promised he would still be involved and co parent DD. Then his now wife got pregnant and he decided that he needed to spend more time with her and less with DD. Eventually, once his son was born, he decided he had no time for DD anymore and went from seeing her every other month to not seeing her at all.

And that's the man you once loved and trusted and had your baby with.

Two years is NOT enough.

Give this more time.

And yes, he has landed on his feet and you seem incredibly trusting and giving.

If your DD father died, would his share all go to his wife and child? Have you asked?

Then if you die it could all go to your husband and his children

The money should be a separate issue

I have 2 siblings and a half sibling - different fathers

I expect DM share will go 4 ways and Dsis will get her fathers share as well - she’s younger by years and has yet to buy a property - is older ones have all but paid off mortgages - I have no issues with her getting her full share - it’s not her fault our father was crap and left nothing.

DSDad has down his dues and paid for us growing up - holidays, trips, meals out etc - he doesn’t owe us his life savings as well

My husband has a child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. Once we have died the kids split the house 75% our child and 25% his.

That's shared by biological children of each person who owns the house.

I earn more than my husband and I put money into an account solely for my child so I guess when the time came they could use it to buy out their sibling and they still get the appropriate money owed.

I love my stepchild deeply and they also have a savings account which we keep for them when they turn 18. But in legal matters I'm very determined to protect my biological child's inheritance however needed.

@Justapatchofgrass I thought about that. The thing his me need space so the new place will be expensive. Making a big down payment means lower interest rates on the loan but you’re right. That’s probably the smart thing to do

I think that it is prudent. With my friend she was divorced but a long time ago and he was widowed. I think that was why he sold- as he felt that his children should benefit now from what had been his and their mothers. Her children were a bit younger and lived with them at first but at uni now and just home in holidays.

Later she sold her original house and bought one next to where they live which they run as a holiday let- it was a sort of unique opportunity they couldn't miss. At holiday times the entire 2 families come and use both houses which gives a bit of separation.

Surely half of a house will be better than what he could afford on his own? Indeed for both of you?

My husband has a child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. Once we have died the kids split the house 75% our child and 25% his.

But if you die 1st then he inherits and can do what he wants?