Blended family and finances

[Alyssa80]

Hi all,

DP and I met 2 years ago. I’m 39 with a 5 yo DD. He’s 42, divorced with 2 DS (11 and 7).
We’re getting married next summer and hunting for a new place to buy together.

DP has sole custody of his children. Their mother left when the youngest was still in diapers and they rarely see her. My ex left me for another woman while I was pregnant. He gradually drifted away and he stopped seeing her altogether 2.5 years ago.

So when DP and I met, we were on the same page: any person that wanted to be part of our lives needed to be 100% committed to not just being a step parent but to be a parent, period.
My DD has a father, on paper, but doesn’t have a dad so the new man in my life needed to be that: her dad not someone who would keep a “STEP-FATHER NOT FATHER” distance IYKWIM. He wants the same thing too.

I love his boys to bits. I’m 100% willing to see and treat them like if they were biologically mine but when it comes to finances, I have an issue.

I make more money than him (almost 50% more) but he wanted us to split all expenses 50/50. That for me wouldn’t be fair so instead, I said we should contribute proportionally to our incomes.
So instead of paying 50£ each on a 100£ bill, since I make 150£ for every 100£ he makes, I pay 60£ and he pays 40£. That covers all expenses including kids’ expenses. My ex pays child support, his doesn’t. So for me, it would be fair to keep that money out of the family income. I want to save all of that money for my DD since that’s hers. At the same time, I feel guilty because that would be treating the 3 kids differently when I promised I wouldn’t.

Furthermore, I have a life insurance policy and own the apartment DD and I been living in. I’m selling this apartment to buy the new place. I’m willing to change the beneficiaries on the life insurance policy to include the boys but I don’t want to change my will so in case anything happens to me, my share of the house would go to my DD only. Again, I’m torn about that.

AIBU here ?

Why not have a joint account for all family expenses and pay in proportionate to your incomes. Keep a life assurance for your dd, he can have one for his boys and consider a term policy (until the youngest is 25 is a good age) jointly .

2 years is far too soon for all of this, sorry.

OP I'm still not clear what your plans are for financing the new house. Are you both making the same amount of payment as deposit? Does he also have a property of his own that he's going to sell or does he have substantial savings for it?
I agree with another PP, splitting 50/50 is fairer than 60/40 as there 3 of them but only 2 of you. Is this what you meant when you said you'd be paying more of the mortgage? It really should be 50/50 on the mortgage unless the deeds state that you own a larger percentage of the property. Buying it as tenants in common is the most sensible way to go, but please see a solicitor - on your own - to get the best advice for you & your daughter.

@Justapatchofgrass
No, both will are written to reflect this arrangement. No matter who dies first.

We were very specific about this when we had them written.

Go 50/50 in everything.
See a solicitor. Ring fence all assets
Preferably....don't get married at all.