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AIBU?

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Original poster

Infertility season on the radio - AIBU

31 replies

Ineedaholidayagain · 29/10/2019 14:53

Bbc radio are doing a series on infertility, not once have I heard adoption being talked about. As someone who took the positive decision to adopt over ivf and other options am I being unreasonable that they are not discussing it and promoting other forms of motherhood. Adoption is just another form of being a mum in my opinion.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 29/10/2019 15:00

To be fair I think they are focusing on advice for people who are in the throes of infertility, adoption is part of the “next stage”. From what I’ve heard on the series so far it’s been about advising people on what to do if they suspect a problem and how to go about accessing support and help.

One of the most patronising things that can be said to an infertile couple is “well you can always adopt”. Adoption should never be an afterthought or considered a consolation prize. It deserves long, hard thought and consideration.

I speak as someone who suffered infertility and put myself through 3 years worth of treatment before successfully conceiving.

gracepoolesrum · 29/10/2019 15:07

YABU. I don't think adoption has anything to do with infertility. I know infertile people who don't want to adopt or would not be approved for adoption (we fell into the latter category) and I also know a couple who adopted even though they were (as far as they knew) able to have bio children. It doesn't and shouldn't follow that for an infertile person adoption is the next step and if anything there needs to be far more education that this is the case, not the other way around.

1234512345Meh · 29/10/2019 15:08

You’ve made your decision and are happy with it. That’s great. It’s an avenue I’d like to think I’d look down myself when faced with what can often be a really difficult fertility treatment journey.

I do think, though, that when women are struggling with infertility, they can resent “why don’t you just adopt” type comments or putting the option in the basket of fertility treatment. You need to be ready to make that consideration rather than focusing on having a biological child.

I don’t know the parameters of the series above... but maybe it’s not included as it’s not a ‘physical’ cure?

Adoption should certainly be talked about but perhaps as a separate episode rather than alongside treatments?

Steenac7 · 29/10/2019 15:09

I absolutely hate it when I tell someone I am suffering from infertility and they say I should ‘just adopt’. Adoption has absolutely nothing to with infertility. When we were diagnosed with infertility I wanted information and help on how to overcome it and this is what infertility week is providing.

gwenneh · 29/10/2019 15:24

YABU. It's a series on infertility, and adoption is completely a separate topic.

WooMaWang · 29/10/2019 15:26

Adoption in the uk is a completely different kettle of fish to what this is about. Just because people want to be parents does not mean they'll be suitable to adopt a child, or that it would be right for anyone involved.

Similarly, there's no reason people can't adopt regardless of their fertility. It's just such a different issue and not reasonable to align it with infertility.

HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2019 15:27

YABU. Adoption isn't just another way of becoming a parent, there are lots of things to consider - DH and I discussed it and decided if IVF etc. didn't work we wouldn't be adopting, it's not a consolation prize. It's not wrong to want your own, biological child that you get to raise from birth and protect from alcohol/drugs in the womb and/or parental neglect or abuse that can cause great damage later on.

MarshaBradyo · 29/10/2019 15:29

I think it’s fine to focus on infertility without adoption.

Steenac7 · 29/10/2019 15:30

@havelock I feel the same way. Haven’t discussed it with DP yet as we are dealing with infertility not discussing adoption!!!! But I want to have our child not any child.

JacquesHammer · 29/10/2019 15:30

YABU.

Infertility and adoption are very separate entities and should be focussed on as such.

Meirou90 · 29/10/2019 15:31

It’s got nothing to do with infertility. A fertile person can adopt so it’s a moot point.

ChrisPrattsFace · 29/10/2019 15:32

I know many fertile people who have adopted over robin addition to having their own.
They’re separate issues completely. I also hated when we were having test how many people told me to adopt - for me it was not part of my discussions or plan at that time.

SleepWarrior · 29/10/2019 15:39

Hmm, it could definitely be included as part of the topic as it one of the possible routes that someone with infertility may choose to take, but as a PP said, it's not directly anything to do with infertility.

I really like something that I read on here a few weeks ago (and this isn't a quote, just vaguely how I remember it) that said

"looking after some of the most vulnerable and neglected children in society isn't infertile people's job, it's everyone's".

So I'd say adoption deserves its own special season of focus, not as a tag on to infertility season - the latter lays down the idea that it's infertile couples who should being adopting children rather than everyone (regardless of fertility) who feels they can/would like to.

LateToTheParty · 29/10/2019 15:43

We adopted because of infertility and I think YAB a bit U, particularly given how recently adoption has been covered in the UK media both positively and negatively during National Adoption Week which was less than a fortnight ago.

8 years in and to me adoption isn't just another route to becoming a parent; while I love the bones of them both it's brought more heartache, frustration and fear for their futures than I thought possible. This is due to the increasing difficulties which both children have as a result of the trauma and disabilities caused by their early experiences, which weren't apparent or anticipated when they were younger, combined with the difficulty of getting diagnoses and support for them at school, and for us as parents. I can no longer work and seldom get enough sleep because of their additional needs. I'm a member of several support groups made up of adopters, foster carers and people with SGOs and their experiences are the same. There simply isn't enough appropriate support and I would struggle to "recommend" adoption.

Josette77 · 29/10/2019 15:46

I think adoption should be it's own topic. But just to reply to someone above when you adopt, they are your child. They are not just "any child". I'm adopted and an adoptive parent. It's fine to want your own biological child, but adoption means you become family. If that isn't your path that's fine, but my dc are very much my own kids.

Josette77 · 29/10/2019 15:48

@LAtetothePArty sending you a huge hug. I'm in a very similar situation. There is very little education about early childhood trauma. It's extremely hard.

LateToTheParty · 29/10/2019 15:48

This Radio 4 podcast series about adoption is brilliant and gives what I think is a really detailed, representative and fair account of what sounds like a typical UK domestic adoption process.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p05k3wsq/episodes/downloads

LateToTheParty · 29/10/2019 15:55

@Josette77 thank you, you too Thanks.

It feels a bit taboo not to be positive about adoption but I feel so worn down by the last few years of managing increasingly difficult behaviour while having to get up to speed on trauma, attachment, FASD, brain damage, executive function, sensory issues, etc, while being ignored and patronised until I'm proved right.

To paraphrase Sheryl Crow & Coldplay,

"no one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard!"

7125r · 29/10/2019 15:58

YABVVU

Infertility and adoption are two separate issues. People dealing with infertility are sick to death of having ‘why don’t you adopt?’ rammed down their throats (almost always by people who’ve never adopted).

Why don’t you write to them and request an adoption week?

Seems a bit goady of you though tbf, this thread.

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 16:01

Isn't this the same as saying

"Bbc radio are doing a series on Adoption, not once have I heard IVF being talked about. As someone who took the positive decision to have IVF over adoption and other options am I being unreasonable that they are not discussing it and promoting other forms of motherhood"?

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 16:01

In my opinion, adoption and IVF are two different things, you don't have to be infertile to choose adoption.

FenellaVelour · 29/10/2019 16:04

Infertility and adoption are two separate issues. People dealing with infertility are sick to death of having ‘why don’t you adopt?’ rammed down their throats (almost always by people who’ve never adopted).

👏

valentinoandme · 29/10/2019 16:08

Agree with everyone that infertility and adoption are entirely separate issues. And they did mention adoption yesterday as the Dr who was on Jeremy Vine was adopted herself

UOkhun77 · 29/10/2019 16:14

YABU. I have secondary infertility and have no interest at all in adoption. I think it’s a wonderful thing to do, but it’s not right for me or my family and I hate the suggestion of “well you can always adopt”.

Littletabbyocelot · 29/10/2019 16:33

I remember when dealing with infertility a 'friend' told me it was God's way of telling us we'd be such good parents we should adopt. They couldn't explain why their God could intervene to make me infertile but couldn't stop children being born to abusive parents. Nor could she explain why she chose to have biological children if adoption was such a good thing.

I think adoption should be considered separately to infertility and as a positive choice. But not everyone has the emotional resilience or the support structure. We decided we weren't right for adoption.