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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wasting time, who is BU?

42 replies

Kate436b · 29/10/2019 12:05

Husband and I both work from home, but we have to go out for work in the evenings.

We have DD who is 2 and DD who is 9 weeks.

2 weeks ago I booked in a business bank meeting at 10.30am, all fine. Plan is for me to take DS with me and DD to stay with DH, as it's a 20 minute drive, park, plus 15 minute walk into thr branch.

Yesterday he says he wants to go surfing today, normally fine, normall is 3 hours ish. I ask if he can go once I'm back around midday, but no, the best time is at 9.30am, would be pointless any later and no surf for the rest of the week...i okay it and agree to take both kids into town which is pretty faffy and awkward...so that he can get his surf in at the best time.

I come home at 11.45am and he's still here...about to leave as he thought Id be home in a few hours, even though I made it clear it would be around midday. So now he's quietly arranged his surf stuff and gone. Leaving me with both kids, again fine looking after them...but I have a ton of work to do today too...and he leaves for work at 5pm.

I know when he gets home I'll be made to look like the dick who doesn't let her husband do anything, but I went out of my way dragging both kids to a bloody business bank meeting so he could surf...supposedly while I was out.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/10/2019 12:09

You are for putting up with it.

Never mind looking like anything, it would be reading the riot act when he gets back about not pulling such a selfish stunt again and next time you'll be leaving both kids with him and if he wants to do something else then it's his job to arrange childcare.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 29/10/2019 12:09

Typical selfish man child.
My DP would've stayed at home with both kids as that would be priority over bloody surfing.

gamerchick · 29/10/2019 12:10

You do know he's engineered that so he could get the house to himself for the morning and be nice and relaxed for his fun few hours don't you?

Selfish.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2019 12:10

he is massively, is that bank meeting for work? If it is I'd be properly pissed that you had to bring either child with you nevermine both, it's very unprofessional. He sounds very selfish

Whatsnewpussyhat · 29/10/2019 12:11

He also said it was pointless to go later than 9.30 yet still went. He is avoiding parenting

Sparrowlegs248 · 29/10/2019 12:11

Why was he still there? If the best time to surf was 9.30?

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2019 12:11

nevermind*

Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 12:11

Find a nice place with sharks to send him + his board....
Does he do much parenting?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 12:12

So it was pointless to go later than 9.30...? And yet he was still at home at 11.45?

is there a reason he's being such a twat or is he always this selfish?

Original poster
Kate436b · 29/10/2019 12:13

Yes - to set up a work business account.

And i know it's lush having the house to himself and having a surf...but I have work to do today too!

Thanks ladies, I'm bot going mental with sleep deprivation, he is BU!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kate436b · 29/10/2019 12:14

He does do a lot of parenting while I work at home in the day, and he os fab with all the kids (2 DSD with us half the time). He just has a streak of not seeing when he's being a selfish idiot!

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 29/10/2019 12:15

He's being unreasonable.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 29/10/2019 12:17

Well he obviously has absolutely no respect for you as his wife or as a business woman, does he. He thinks your work is so much less important than his and that’s why he behaved in such a way. Then he goes off on his hobby. What a prize you’re married to OP.

JADS · 29/10/2019 12:21

I get that surfing is very time dependent. I had a friend who worked as a dentist in Cornwall and he either surfed early morning and worked late or started early and finished at 3pm. Unsurprisingly a lot of his patients were surfers and loved him.

However in this case, he is being unreasonable. I thought that you couldn't really surf at midday due to the tides? Is he off to sit in a surf caf first?

adaline · 29/10/2019 12:29

I have a DH who surfs and I get the time-dependency of the hobby - it's not something you can just go out and do whenever you fancy.

So, knowing that, why the fuck was he still home at 11.30am? He's a cheeky bugger and he knows it, which is why he slunk out in silence when you returned home.

He can have the kids to himself tomorrow - take yourself off to work elsewhere for the day.

DarlingNikita · 29/10/2019 12:39

He also said it was pointless to go later than 9.30 yet still went. He is avoiding parenting

This exactly. I'd hang him out to dry. And obviously any future 'Oh but you have to take the kids, I MUST go at 9.30am, it would be pointless any later' would be treated with the derision they deserve.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 12:39

Next time I wouldn't take them out of the house until 12.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/10/2019 12:39

I bet he's cleared his browser history...

I also bet he sees his work as being way more important than yours. Would you ever refuse to watch the dc's when he has something to do for work?

There's no way he can make you look like a dick, you weren't unreasonable in any way.

justasking111 · 29/10/2019 12:47

What an ass, surfing is time sensitive so he was either lying about 9.30 am or he just did not want to watch the kids. He has blotted his copy book so do not agree to do this again, reminding him of this occasion.

nowayhose · 29/10/2019 12:48

To be honest, I agree he is being selfish etc etc, but personally I'd be more angry about the blatant lie he told you about the only suitable time to go surfing. He LIED, ON PURPOSE, to trick you into taking both kids with you to a bloody business meeting !

He KNOWS he lied, and he now realises that you CAUGHT him out in the lie ! And he isn't grovelling and apologising or anything ? And he STILL WENT BLOODY SURFING (supposedly) !!!!

I'd be having a very serious discussion about trust, lies and consequences, and I don't see how I could trust him to tell the truth again. Lies are poison, and poison kills relationships.

Beveren · 29/10/2019 13:03

So what was his explanation for the fact that suddenly it was fine to surf in the afternoon when it had been impossible yesterday?

MerryMarigold · 29/10/2019 13:05

I'd be having a very serious discussion about trust, lies and consequences

This does sound a little bit patronising and something I'd do with my young teen.

I think he probably genuinely intended to get out for 9.30 but then it's likely he got carried away 'doing stuff'/ chilling out and it made him late. It is really selfish and inconsiderate but I wouldn't overload it as intentional 'lying'. That's really egging it on and creating a huge issue where there is a medium one. Only you know your dp, and if you think he's usually very organised at getting out on time, and it's likely he did this on purpose then I'd go for it. However, if you think he just got distracted and time ran away then a little grace and a bit of a moan will be sufficient.

BlingLoving · 29/10/2019 13:15

DH was training for a marathon. Training came first. But he was a massive time waster - so I'd have to get up with baby DS because he needed his sleep for training. I could live with this as he'd get up on the other day of the week. Except... he'd then faff around and not leave for training until much later. Came to a head when he came in the door at 3pm having left at 11 (ie two hours late) for a three hour run on which he'd got lost so landed up walking/running an extra hour. I was sitting on the floor, absolutely shattered as DS had been difficult all night and had got up at 6am....

... It was Mothers Day!!!!

It never happened again. It was like a light bulb went off in his head. From then on, he got up early, dashed out the door and was back before lunch. But he really needed that wake up call. I'd say, previously, "its fine to do training but please go first thing" over and over again but he'd faff around and it just didn't happen.

Fatshedra · 29/10/2019 13:29

I don't surf but surely if the tide /sea is ace for surfing at 9.30 it isn't at 11.45 as he's missed the best.

DarlingNikita · 29/10/2019 13:52

I'd be having a very serious discussion about trust, lies and consequences
This does sound a little bit patronising and something I'd do with my young teen.

Well, that's kind of the point; he's BEHAVED like a teen!

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