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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wasting time, who is BU?

42 replies

Kate436b · 29/10/2019 12:05

Husband and I both work from home, but we have to go out for work in the evenings.

We have DD who is 2 and DD who is 9 weeks.

2 weeks ago I booked in a business bank meeting at 10.30am, all fine. Plan is for me to take DS with me and DD to stay with DH, as it's a 20 minute drive, park, plus 15 minute walk into thr branch.

Yesterday he says he wants to go surfing today, normally fine, normall is 3 hours ish. I ask if he can go once I'm back around midday, but no, the best time is at 9.30am, would be pointless any later and no surf for the rest of the week...i okay it and agree to take both kids into town which is pretty faffy and awkward...so that he can get his surf in at the best time.

I come home at 11.45am and he's still here...about to leave as he thought Id be home in a few hours, even though I made it clear it would be around midday. So now he's quietly arranged his surf stuff and gone. Leaving me with both kids, again fine looking after them...but I have a ton of work to do today too...and he leaves for work at 5pm.

I know when he gets home I'll be made to look like the dick who doesn't let her husband do anything, but I went out of my way dragging both kids to a bloody business bank meeting so he could surf...supposedly while I was out.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 29/10/2019 13:57

How comes you are back at work already?

How was the division of labour decided? (your work arrangements sound a bit unconventional so I assume it was discussed how you were going to make it work)

Slightly OT but why was it a 15 minute walk to the bank, after a 20 minute drive?

Original poster

Kate436b · 29/10/2019 14:06

We both work self employed for our own company, i do most of the behind the scenes in the day, and then he does the out of the house work in the evenings. Hence the lack of maternity.

Cars just pulled up...he's a faffer, i think it was a time ran away with him scenario, we shall see!

OP posts:

TotHappy · 29/10/2019 14:26

I can probably imagine myself doing this. I'm a faffer too. That is I can imagine myself wasting the morning pottering about when I said I needed it to go out and do something. BUT when DH came in and caught me I would shamefacedly take the kids not slope out for another three hours off!

And in any case I wouldn't ask him to take the kids to work so I could do a hobby . That's the weird thing here. When he said he wanted to surf, how come you didn't say 'well I have to work so you'd need to get a babysitter' and if he complained that it was the only chance this week just shrug and say 'you cant do your hobby this week then. Sorry.' I mean, it's a hobby! You sometimes have to miss them - especially when you have a 9 week old!

OnceFreshFish · 29/10/2019 14:36

If he's a faffer he needs to be the one to suffer the consequences of the faffing not you. So if it's his turn for some childfree time he gets a certain amount of time e.g. 9-12. If he chooses to spend that time faffing around that's his choice but he doesn't get extra time to compensate.

NearlyGranny · 29/10/2019 14:43

So did the surf conditions actually change or did he plan all along to haves a lazy morning while you juggled work commitments, child and baby?

Is he viewing not his work, but his actual leisure as coming before your work commitment AND his parental commitments?! Because it certainly looks that way. This is the question he needs to answer.

If conditions were indeed poor first thing, he knew this and could have cared for his children while you saw the bank manager without encumbrances and then left when you got back. He made sure you got the short end of the stick coming and going and that's not fair!

Witchinaditch · 29/10/2019 14:50

That is ridiculous, like other posters have said my DP would stay at home with both kids while I sorted out an important meeting. Your husband sounds very selfish and manipulative.

Lulualla · 29/10/2019 14:54

Granny has it right. Today, he put his leisure time above your work comittments and above parenting. He worked it so he'd have a lazy morning alone in the house and it wasn't an accident because when you came home he was surprised and said he thought you'd be longer... he didn't think he'd get caught, as well as then having a nice jaunt to the beach. In that time you had to have a business meeting, with the kids and then an afternoon of looking after them alone.

It's just not OK.

thisnamechanger · 29/10/2019 15:02

tbf sometime you do go and look and it's crap and you wait a bit and see if it improves - the apps aren't always that accurate.

Lulualla · 29/10/2019 15:26

But if that were the case then he should have accepted he couldn't surf today because his wife has to work so he needs to parent, then when he goes to work she will parent. But he didn't do that. He still went, leaving her to work and parent, because his surfing was more important.

Jux · 29/10/2019 15:53

Why on earth does he have to surf when there's a business meeting? I would have just said "shame, you'll have to go tomorrow".

Does he not take the working from home seriously? Is the only thing that matters his evening job?

ShippingNews · 29/10/2019 21:57

If the surf was up at 9-30am, it definitely would NOT be up at midday. It is entirely dependent on the wind and tides. So his day's activities have nothing to do with surfing and everything to do with having a chilled day. If I were you I'd get a tide app on your phone so you can check when / if the surf is good at a certain time.

rededucator · 29/10/2019 22:37

ShippingNews Genius idea! __

HalloweenCandyLeBonBon · 30/10/2019 08:30

Twat. Men and their hobbies. Again.

justasking111 · 30/10/2019 09:03

Big salty or magic seaweed can check surf suitability

cees · 30/10/2019 09:10

Faffer my arse, he took the piss. Why on earth would you ok it in the first place, stop being a martyr. Hand him the children and go get your work done.

LannieDuck · 30/10/2019 09:32

He's being v unreasonable. I think you need to stop being so accommodating of his hobby.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 30/10/2019 14:35

What did he say when he got back yesterday?

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