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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what to do?

44 replies

Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 02:33

Name changed as don't want to be identified.

Background- Been with partner for almost a year and we are living together. Saturday he went for drinks with his friends whilst I went to see his parents as they asked to see us but partner didnt want to go.

Sunday he told me he was going to see his friends. We were meant to see my family so I called him selfish etc and we had an argument.

He told me that it would have been his sons 3rd birthday (he passed away when he was 2 months due to SIDS). I didn't realise it was his birthday.

And he went out.

So I felt Awful.

He was out all night Sunday and he was ignoring my texts until about 4 pm yesterday when he called me and told me he would be home later. And he got back around 6/6.30. He is still ignoring me and I think he's angry or upset and if he's upset then I feel awful as I feel like I've upset him even more. 😞

And don't know what to do. 😞

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 29/10/2019 02:56

Just leave him a while. There's nothing you can do to make him feel better, and this sadness isn't about you anyway, and you weren't to know. Try and stay calm and just get on with day to day things for a few days then talk about it.

Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 07:31

I have stayed calm about things. And I've tried to leave him alone but he wouldn't say what he wanted for dinner.

OP posts:
Tiredsahm84 · 29/10/2019 07:33

He won't care what's for his dinner

Just be really patient and give him space

CAG12 · 29/10/2019 07:35

Just leave him be a while.

Hes communicating poorly, but maybe thats his way of coping.

Just cook something you know you both like for dinner. If he wants it, he'll eat it. If not, just put it in the fridge for later

ISmellBabies · 29/10/2019 07:42

He's happy enough to go boozing all night with his friends, but too sad to see his parents with you or speak to you with respect? Nah, bollocks. Just leave him op. He's a horrible person, using this as an excuse for totally unacceptable behaviour.

Topseyt · 29/10/2019 07:46

He can't expect you to have known that it would have been his son's third birthday if you have never been told that. You presumably aren't psychic.

See how things pan out over the next few hours if you want to, but him ignoring you is very poor behaviour in my book. I hope it isn't a taste of things to come, but would fear it might be if you stay. You need to bear that in mind.

BatEaredFox · 29/10/2019 07:48

He's happy enough to go boozing all night with his friends, but too sad to see his parents with you or speak to you with respect? Nah, bollocks.

This. He's behaving badly towards you - but he's happy enough to be with friends? That's unfair. Fine, he's sad with grief but that's no reason to treat you with no respect when you've done nothing wrong at all.

TrebleBadger · 29/10/2019 07:49

Agree with ISmellBabies

He only told you about the anniversary once you'd had a go at him for being selfish. In my opinion it was in an attempt to make you feel bad and deflect.

I bet he was having a right old time drinking with his mates

I'd leave him be. He can sort his own dinner. But don't be visiting family on his behalf unless you want to.

greypetex · 29/10/2019 07:50

Tell him his sons birthday will be marked every single year from now on. Tell him it's ok to talk and that you are there for him.

greypetex · 29/10/2019 07:51

I have had many periods in my life where I would rather be with friends and switched off than dealing with horrific events.

Don't write this off as him being selfish, unless he has months of history, allow him his time.

Grannybags · 29/10/2019 07:56

Do you know for sure that he went out with friends? Maybe he just went out to be on his own. If he is really struggling with this then he needs help. If he is just using the anniversary as a way of deflecting his behaviour then you have to decide if you want to be with him.

Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 08:07

I called him selfish before I knew it was his sons birthday.

I don't know if he was with his friends or if he wanted to be alone. Because on fathers day he told me he wanted to be alone but he wasn't ignoring me or anything.

I went to his parents because they asked to see us both but partner didnt want to go. And they didn't mention anything.

OP posts:
greypetex · 29/10/2019 08:08

They probably wanted to see him because they did know and realised when you arrived and spoke to them that he hadn't told you.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt here and just ensure he knows that next year you will mark the occasion. He probably doesn't know how to do that.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 29/10/2019 08:16

Just leave him alone for a while. Don’t ask him about dinner or anything.
I suspect that ISmell is correct but see how it goes. You’ve only been together a year so you’re still getting to know him. He may very well be selfish and ignoring you like this may become more frequent.
Ignoring is often used to manipulate and the best way to deal with it is to just get on with your life and not try to engage with it.

LIZS · 29/10/2019 08:22

It sounds as if you have rushed into living together without knowing each other that well. This is your third thread about his behaviour over the weekend and tbh it should not be this hard - You having to second guess his feelings, for example. When is the anniversary of his son's death? Does he have contact with ex and are there other children? If he is going to cut you out in favour of friends that is not a partnership.

Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 08:37

I think he had counselling when we weren't together. I don't know if he would now because he doesn't like anyone talking about his son.

I will leave him alone for a while.

We knew each other previously before we got in a relationship. He has his ex on Facebook but don't know if they message each other. And no other children are involved.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/10/2019 09:13

but he wouldn't say what he wanted for dinner.

Without knowing you, I can't be sure but honestly, if someone is sulking like this, the last thing I would be worrying about would be cooking for them.

Leave him to it. Go out, or get engrossed in something at home so your attention is not on him.

Either he needs space or he is playing up. Either way, ignore him. Don't fuzz about cooking for him. He really does not deserve it.

It sounds as if you are making him the focus of your life while you are just a small part of his. What else is there in your life that has your attention ?

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 09:15

I read your first thread about this and I said I thought he was using that as an excuse. Still do.

In a normal relationship you wouldnt be beating yourself up so badly over this, and he wouldnt be manipulating your feelings

Weenurse · 29/10/2019 09:19

Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace.
Just let him know you care and are willing to talk if he wants to share.
Cook for you both, but don’t expect him to eat.
💐

Spied · 29/10/2019 09:22

He's selfish.

Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 09:53

I'll be working this afternoon. I am giving him space.

I've told him I'm there for him if he wants to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 12:14

The anniversary of his sons death is in January. I didn't know this year though as we'd only been together for a month and he didn't tell me until about a week later. But he invited me to go out for a meal with him to distract him and acted like he was fine.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 12:54

It's tricky; because the death of his son is obviously tragic.

But I don't understand why he's not opening up and talking to you about it? Surely you'd want support from your partner if you were upset? I know I do when horrible anniversaries come around.

Maybe the drinking with his mates was just a way to try and ignore it?

Either way, as others have said, not much you can do apart from tell him you're there if he wants to talk, which you have.

Original poster
Explosivertwi · 29/10/2019 13:42

I don't know why he won't talk to me about it. I don't think he went for a drink on Sunday. But on Saturday I know he did but he didn't drink much.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/10/2019 13:51

Oh FFS, bin this self-obsessed whinyarse and move on. He's setting things up so that you will be forever scurrying around in a flap trying to figure out the magic trick that will make Mr Miseryface smile again.

Oh, and you can all call me a total cunt if you like, but are you sure this son of his actually existed? Or that he ever had any dealings with the child or his mum? It's not totally unheard of for abusive men to simply invent tragedies that they 'don't like to talk about' as a way of getting attention and a free pass for horrible behaviour.

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