To ask what to do?

[Explosivertwi]

Name changed as don't want to be identified.

Background- Been with partner for almost a year and we are living together. Saturday he went for drinks with his friends whilst I went to see his parents as they asked to see us but partner didnt want to go.

Sunday he told me he was going to see his friends. We were meant to see my family so I called him selfish etc and we had an argument.

He told me that it would have been his sons 3rd birthday (he passed away when he was 2 months due to SIDS). I didn't realise it was his birthday.

And he went out.

So I felt Awful.

He was out all night Sunday and he was ignoring my texts until about 4 pm yesterday when he called me and told me he would be home later. And he got back around 6/6.30. He is still ignoring me and I think he's angry or upset and if he's upset then I feel awful as I feel like I've upset him even more. 😞

And don't know what to do. 😞

@ReanimatedSGB Harsh, but very good points

I don't think he would lie about something like this but he hasn't showed me any 'proof' because.I haven't asked him. He was with his ex when his son was born but he split up with her after his death because she blamed him for leaving him alone to sleep.

It is possible that ReanimatedSGB is right. Otherwise, it seems a remarkably convenient time to bring it up. It could easily be made up to trip you up and guilt trip you.

Have you ever seen any pictures of the child?

Have you considered asking his parents if this is his norm?

When he told me in January we weren't arguing or anything. He told me because he asked if I wanted to know what was wrong with him (he was pretending he was fine but I knew he wasn't so I asked him and he said he was just tired). So don't know why he'd make it up.

No i haven't seen any pictures. He was going to show me on fathers day but he didn't want to in the end because it would upset him.

Also, OP, even if he did suffer the loss of a child, which is probably the worst thing that could happen to anyone he doesn't get to take it out on you all the time. He sounds, at the very least, like a man who is keen to dump every last bit of responsibility for keeping other people happy onto his female partner - you get to spend your Saturday evening visiting his parents while he goes to the pub? WTF is that about?

Nothing worse than someone using their grief as an excuse to act like a selfish prick and get wasted.

LTB

I haven't asked his parents.

He wasn't drunk on Saturday.

If he is lying I will leave him but I don't think he is and if he is don't know how I'd find out.

If you're comfortable visiting his parents without him there, I'm assuming you have quite a good relationship with them. Could you call and ask him Mum about this in confidence?

Just say he seems to be struggling with the birthday and you're not sure how best to help him? If it's true, they will have lost a grandchild too and might want to talk about it.

Nothing worse than someone using their grief as an excuse to act like a selfish prick and get wasted.

There is a lot worse.

In fact, if you can't get wasted in your dead child's birthday, when can you?

I don't see why he is a selfish prick for going in the bevvy at this point.

This is what I wrote on your other thread:

While his grief is unimaginable, I don't think it is fair to hold you responsible for not knowing the significance of the date. I also think it is wrong of him to just fuck off and worry you. I'd recommend that he seeks some counselling to work through his grief in a healthy way, and if your relationship is to last then he needs to be more emotionally open with you. You both need strategies to manage trigger situations such as birthdays and Christmas.

Not much more to add really.

It's not specifically the going for a drink that's the issue, it's the being vile to OP and expecting a free pass because of his grief. Whether or not the grief is genuine (and, if he's made up the whole thing for sympathy and attention he wouldn't be the first or the only person to do such a thing) it's not OP's job to 'love him better' if he's a tiresome selfish prick. there are other men out there OP. Find a nice one.

I do have a Good relationship with his parents and they did ask to see us both. I might phone his mum

Get info from his parents ...weird they did not mention it, and weird you went alone to see them, grief is not a free pass to make partner suffer he is being emotionally stunted

I'm going to try to phone his mum tomorrow. As he's still ignoring me although he did make dinner for us both.

I'm not sure why his parents didnt mention anything.

His parents asked to see both of us but they didn't ask how he was or anything like that. I'm not sure why