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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to go to mediation?

33 replies

Deepblueriver · 28/10/2019 18:07

I am currently separated from my husband due to abuse and controlling behaviour. We have a baby.

I moved out of our home that we jointly own with just one bag each for myself and the baby as I didn’t want him to know we were leaving. I am currently staying with family.

I have allowed him to see our baby but I have been there all the time as my solicitor recommended that I only allow supervised access.

He has spoken to a solicitor who said that I can’t do this and recommend mediation. He wants overnights every weekend.

I feel very anxious about this as before I left there were some very distressing incidents. When I was pregnant I wanted home to come with me to one of my hospital appointments as I was having some complications during pregnancy and wasn’t sure if I was getting the right care. He was working a lot and didn’t want to take time off even for the birth or paternity leave. The night before the appointment he had a knife and said he was going to commit suicide because I was putting too many demands on him. He wouldn’t let me call an ambulance. I stayed up most of the night trying to calm him down he refused all offers of help. He went to work the next day as normal. I went to my appointment alone.

I believed for a long time that he had a serious mental illness but I realised that he was not as ill as he claimed and was using it to get me to do what he wanted while I crept around on eggshells trying not to upset him.

I was very frightened that he was going to go to court to try and take the baby away from me as he had threatened to do so. I am relieved that he is going to try a more conciliatory approach. However I do feel anxious at the thought of him having our baby overnight. I don’t feel strong enough to stand up for myself. My solicitor says I don’t have to do it. I am frightened of going to court.

I also worry that he will kill himself and kill our baby. Is this a rational fear?

He comes across as a lovely sensitive caring man and I think he could convince the court that he is a fantastic dad and I am mentally ill.

He is trying to be reasonable by going to mediation would I be unreasonable not to go?

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 28/10/2019 18:10

If there is a history of DV you don't have to go to mediation. Did you ever report anything or do you have any photos or messages? Please contact your local women's aid who will be able to advise you properly.

spice3 · 28/10/2019 18:15

You don't have to go given the abuse but if you have no evidence then unfortunately it could look bad on you as it would likely go to court if you refuse (that's how my situation worked anyway).

They should offer you shuttle mediation, your solicitor should be able to help, which would mean you're not face to face with him or even in the same room, the mediator would essentially shuttle from room to room as a messenger. Maybe you'd have more strength standing up for yourself and your baby this way when you wouldn't have to be face to face with him?

I'm sorry this is happening Thanks

Clangus00 · 28/10/2019 18:18

How old is your baby? Are you breastfeeding?

Original poster
Deepblueriver · 28/10/2019 18:20

Aliceinwonderland there is evidence as the police came out to our. I also went to Women’s Aid.

Spice3 that is exactly my concern. I don’t want to look unreasonable as he will come in very calm in a nice suit. My fear is that if I go to court he will get more contact than he would in mediation.

I do also fear that he wants to use the whole system as a chance to bully me as he knows that my worst fear is losing my baby.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 28/10/2019 18:21

Insist on shuttle mediation. Only use a mediator who agrees to it.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 28/10/2019 18:21

As a pp mentioned, I had shuttle mediation for similar reasons. I was advised that if I was not prepared to have a discussion about things, court would end up making a ruling and I didnt want my opinions to go (relatively) unheard.

Original poster
Deepblueriver · 28/10/2019 18:22

I am breastfeeding but the baby has just turned one .

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 28/10/2019 18:24

I turned down mediation due to DV and it didn't go against me. I've had to turn it down again as less than a year later he's taking me back again as it didn't go in his favour. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's really tough. I've found women's aid invaluable, also their recovery toolkit programme is really helpful.

CravingCheese · 28/10/2019 18:26

He has spoken to a solicitor who said that I can’t do this and recommend mediation. He wants overnights every weekend.

What does your solicitor says about this... ?

It doesn't sound like your unreasonable for not wanting to go. Not at all.

I'd advise you to talk to your lawyer, maybe call a legal aid charity as well and then make a decision.

NeverTwerkNaked · 28/10/2019 18:27

Sending you a huge hug as it is such a ghastly thing to go through

kimlo · 28/10/2019 18:28

I've just been offered shuttle mediation.

I have no doubt it will end up going to court. Does anyone know that appart from the £100 I have to pay for the mediation, how much going to court is likely to cost me?

NeverTwerkNaked · 28/10/2019 18:28

I don't think it will go against you to turn down mediation but it would be worth getting some legal advice

Alicenwonderland · 28/10/2019 18:28

I was advised against mediation as it's not legally binding and he could potentially not return the children. With a court order at least you have protection although it is a daunting prospect.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/10/2019 18:31

As you have a solicitor, I’d recommend talking it over with them. If I remember correctly the courts generally don’t recommend overnights away from the primary carer under the age of 2/3. Also supervised contact doesn’t mean you need to be there. It means it takes place in a contact centre, which will offer a layer of protection to you and your baby.
Flowers

spice3 · 28/10/2019 18:40

Sending you hugs again. I've been going through a similar situation for months. It's hell. Thanks

If you're breastfeeding, I think you have very good reason not to want your baby having overnights, so don't worry too much even if it does end up in court.

granadagirl · 28/10/2019 18:55

As he been hands on with help with the baby
As he looked after the baby alone?
If he didn’t want to go to appt or paternity leave because off wanting to go to work, why would he want more days with baby.

You could say, only daytime stays? Also do they let father of DV have children unsupervised or overnight. You’ve obviously got prove

Original poster
Deepblueriver · 28/10/2019 20:42

Alice that’s good that you turned down mediation and it didn’t go against you. My absolute worst fear is that he doesn’t return the baby.

Drinkciderfromalrmon did you end up going to court anyway? What was the outcome.

I do need to see my solicitor. I have spoken to her since he suggested mediation.

I am not sure if what happened to me was really abuse. My solicitor said it is but I do think that a lot of people believe him that I have post natal depression and wasn’t coping. I am coping with the baby it was him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepblueriver · 28/10/2019 21:48

My solicitor did suggest a contact centre. However I have been doing research and it doesn’t look like that is a long term solution. They want you to move on from it quite quickly.

OP posts:
Aveisenim · 29/10/2019 01:45

your*

DonKeyshot · 29/10/2019 04:26

Mediation is NOT recommended in cases where one party has been abusive to the other. In these circumstances, repudiating mediation will not be seen by the court as prejudicial to the case of the party who has not agreed to participate.

Mediators are self-employed and if you decide to engage in mediation you should source a mediator who is not conflict averse otherwise, even if you engage in shuttle mediation while seated in a separate room, you may feel as if you are being bullied by two people.

It sounds as if your controlling h has gaslighted you to the point where you doubt your own existence, or the right to have an existence separate from him. It's not uncommon for these men to make unreasonable demands and asking or insisting on overnights with a breastfed or young child can be a means for them to continue to control their victim.

Please don't be frightened of 'going to court'. Your solicitor/barrister will speak for you and it's highly unlikely that your h will be granted overnights with a breast fed baby or with a child of such a tender age. If your ds was aged 3 or so I would not be so confident but, even then, overnight stays with the non-custodial parent would be an aim to be worked towards by increasing the times/duration of existing contact as the welfare and wellbeing of the child is always paramount

Speak to your solicitor as it occurs to me that the issue of contact should be addressed by a child arrangements order set in place as part of divorce proceedings. If you are not proceeding to divorce you should discuss a residence order which will give the police the power to return your ds to you should your h fail to do so although it seems that, at the present time, your h does not take your ds out of your sight.

I also worry that he will kill himself and kill our baby. Is this a rational fear

Without being in possession of all of the facts no-one can give an informed opinion - and even then it could come down to guesswork. . As it is, I can only say that your fear may be caused by your experience of him as being a calculating and controlling individual and, possibly, your belief that he does have an undiagnosed or underlying mental illness or that he will stop at nothing to get back at you.

I appreciate this doesn't give you much comfort, but it could be that your fear is heightened by the current ill-feeling or rancour of such a recent separation and will subside in time particularly if you see, or feel confident, that he has engaged or bonded with his ds.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/10/2019 06:23

@DonKeyshot you are reciting the text book ideal. The brutal reality I have had to deal with is that despite ample evidence of DV the courts and cafcass have pushed me time and again to mediate. And I have been made to feel bad time and again for pushing for shuttle mediation.

#thecourtsaid

Op. Stay strong.

ChilledBee · 29/10/2019 07:05

The night before the appointment he had a knife and said he was going to commit suicide because I was putting too many demands on him. He wouldn’t let me call an ambulance. I stayed up most of the night trying to calm him down he refused all offers of help. He went to work the next day as normal. I went to my appointment alone.

The other thing is that this can be easily characterised as him self harming and not as abuse or violence against you. It sounds like he was going to use the knife on himself and wasnt threatening you. He could easily swing this to appear as if it is the lengths he was driven to by your demanding behaviour.

Turning down mediation in this context would seem like you're the obstructive one.

Other than scaring you with self harm like behaviour, (btw it is quite normal that even suicidal people appear stable in some environments, especially men), what has he done against you which would definitely constitute abuse? That's what I'd focus on to justify why I refuse mediation.

Original poster
Deepblueriver · 29/10/2019 07:31

ChilledBee that is exactly what I was worried about. He could say that he was ill and I was unreasonable wanting him to come to my hospital appointment.

He has been abusive to me in other ways but the most frightening incidents are around suicide threats. He did smash things up and shout but never hit me. A lot of it was about control and he had a lot of rules that I had to follow.

OP posts: